no larry actually i dont remember hearing any of those lines, it was more like "do this or else/because I said so/because its what you're good for/because if you dont ill fucking kill you" all threats and i believed him because he made good on his threats. about the same thing as what you're telling me about it, i mean it was bullshit, but it was easier to blame myself and just do what i was told to do after a while, i mean how many beatings does someone have to take before they just give up and believe their nothing and stop even questioning whats happening to them you know? easier to say "well i deserve this because i'm bad so i'll just take it and hope that its over quick", then the next one comes and you think "well okay one more but i must have been really bad this time so its okay because it was my fault" and the next one, "this is what happens when you're bad and i knew id get punished anyway so this is what i get" and on and on and on and you just lie to yourself over and over again to make it okay, to make it hurt less. but it never really does hurt any less does it? then you get older and you know you fucked up somehow but you cant remember what you did that was so bad, you're faced with these adult men and they out weigh you and they out number you and they out smart you and you know theres no way out and by then, well, you just give up ya know? "whatever it was that i did this time, it was my fault and i'm sorry and i know this has to happen" and you just fucking take it again and again

wow- sorry that was a lot of rambling on with bullshit there, sorry, this is bugging me out today

Jesse,

Not bullshit at all. And it makes perfect sense. Many guys here will know exactly what you mean when you talk about giving up. I had totally given up by the time I was 13: I would go anywhere with him and willingly do whatever he demanded. I didn't think I deserved better. Then when I was a young man in San Francisco it all came crashing down on me again, with the same results - I just gave up. your phrase is perfect: "I know this has to happen."

Those responses are difficult to understand and explain, but again, there are reasons for them and the bottom line is that it wasn't your fault.

Much love,
Larry

say that again will ya?

Okie dokey...

Here's a supply. Take one every morning, another when you're feeling bad, and two anytime you start drinking.


THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.


Much prescribing,
Larry

Hi Jesse,

My name's Curtis and six or seven years ago I was just beginning my recovery. I thought I would never be happy, and now I'm the happiest person I know and it's all becuase of my effort, a great therapist, my family and MaleSurvivor.

I started here too frightened to post, I cried all the time, and I felt worthless.

You weren't here when I was a regular visiter posting all the time and always looking for support but I used to be one of the guys, and if you tried to tell me back then I could ever be happy or all the pain of recovery is worth it, I wouldn't believe you. Now I can tell you first hand it is worth it, and if I can do it anyone can.

Hang in there.

larry, wow thanks, that'll get me through to my test on the 1st, after that i'll have to hit you up for a new supply lol

thanks for the message curtis, i'll remember this one.

One week to test time, Jesse?

I'll bet you suprise yourself by how well you do!

David

probly have to hear its not your fault about 10 million
thats what it feels like to me