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#174891 - 08/22/07 06:49 AM A nice little article I found:
shining_light Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 22
----------------------------------------------------------------
Be Honest with Yourself

Ah, this one's a little more difficult. Being honest with yourself takes practice, lots and lots of practice. We all lie to ourselves. Sometimes, it's just little white lies and other times it's bold face double underlined big gigantic lies. Sometimes the lies are so big that it will take an entire lifetime to even identify them and then you're dead and well maybe we shouldn't have been looking for those particular ones in the first place.

Being honest with yourself mostly means that you think about what you did. But the trick is that you do it in a non-judgemental way. If you did something that you are ashamed of, something bad, or maybe even something criminal, you just can't live your life revolving around it. You've got to move on. Try to do better. Well, don't try to do better. Just do better. When you actually do something better, be cognizant of this. The things you do right are much more important than the things you do wrong. Do the right things on purpose. Do the wrong things accidentally.

It's OK to be self critical. This is an important characteristic of being honest with yourself. It is always a little scary, too. But try to work through that. Face it. Ignore the fear. It is you, you're talking to after all. And if you're afraid of yourself, you'll never change. So, if you don't like something about yourself, like the clothes you wear, the way you smell, the color of your shoes, don't yell at yourself. Think about what you're gonna need to do to change that. This is the goal behind being honest with yourself. Be constructive with your self criticism. You're not trying to become even more depressed or self-loathing, you're trying to figure out how to correct your problems.

Quit blaming. If you just quit blaming other people for everything that's wrong, you can then take steps to deal with it. You see, you cannot control other people, as much as you would like to think you can. Everyone has as much free will as you do. They will never do what you want or what you expect, so get over it. You are only in charge of yourself.

When you quit blaming others, it becomes a little easier to have compassion because you begin to understand things from the perspective of the people around you. Commiserating with others is an important factor in being honest with yourself. When you understand how it must be for another person, you loose a little of the hate that is bottled up inside of you. Hate is an energy draining poison that you must purge from your soul. You will never enjoy life if you are hating.



Edited by shining_light (09/03/07 11:48 AM)

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#174896 - 08/22/07 07:01 AM Re: A nice little article I found: [Re: shining_light]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
shining_light,

Originally Posted By: shining_light
This is the goal behind being honest with yourself. Be constructive with your self criticism. You're not trying to become even more depressed or self-loathing, you're trying to figure out how to correct your problems.


When I talk to guys here about this I like to put it in terms of choosing blame or responsibility. We can blame ourselves for things we have done in the past, but the jag is we can't change the past and choosing blame fills us with shame and guilt for things we can't do anything about.

It seems to me that it's far better to take responsibility instead. That means looking at the past to learn its lessons and discover what the problems are that we need to address. But instead of tearing ourselves up with blame and being negative about the past, we should accept responsibility for putting things right. That is, we should engage in positive efforts aimed at our future.

I just love the way Mike Church, a retired mod here, used to put this to us. He would say: "After all, the future is where we are going to live the rest of our lives."

Thanks for posting this, bro. It's a really good piece and something well worth thinking about.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174902 - 08/22/07 07:20 AM Re: A nice little article I found: [Re: shining_light]
patch22 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Ireland
Yep, that's a good article, with much sense to it. But I'm a bit doubtful about this bit:-
Quote:
Quit blaming. There is no one to blame but yourself. Even when others around you are failing left and right, it really is your fault.

Many of our problems are indeed caused by ourselves, but surely part of the guts of CSA is absolving ourselves of blame and assigning it to the perpetrator(s)?

Paddy

_________________________
A dog is a man's best therapist

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#175486 - 08/24/07 12:47 AM Re: A nice little article I found: [Re: patch22]
shining_light Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 22
Your right. That's the past. But for the future, and for now, we want to chose to have as much control over our lives as possible. In order to do this, we need to really just take everything into consideration, understand ourselves, our past, and choose to take full responsibility for our lives from this point forward.

Makes sense?


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#175536 - 08/24/07 08:36 AM Re: A nice little article I found: [Re: shining_light]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
there is no one to blame but yourself? that statement is not cool to me. i am not to blame for what happened to me ,no way no how . how can i take full responsibility for my life when for the first 18 years of it i had no control of it ,none? the whole purpose of this place is to help us understand that it wasnt our fault! i dont get this at all.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#178012 - 09/03/07 11:46 AM Re: A nice little article I found: [Re: shadowkid]
shining_light Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 22
Ok, I'll take it out. I think I can edit stuff here.

Anyway, I responded to this concern already from someone else.


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