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#174513 - 08/20/07 02:51 PM I had to get this out. Might Trigger.
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I went in chat, thinking I would be able to talk to people. But I couldn't so I made my own room and wrote this, it helped.





I dunno if it will trigger. There are bad words tho.


[Nyjah] 2:45 pm: aaaaahhhh!!! its not fair! its not fair to take alex away. but i know he's in a better place. i know he can't be
in pain anymore, but i wish he could have stayed around to experience a world without pain. even if there's no such thing, he
deserved it.
[Nyjah] 2:46 pm: i can't do this. its not the same. its just not the same.
[Nyjah] 2:48 pm: fuck!!!
[Nyjah] 2:48 pm: im sorry
[Nyjah] 2:49 pm: i just need to get this out. i just gotta get it out. i miss him so bad. its not gonna be the same. no more
poking wars with the older guys here. no more running behind lorie when we were fighting.
[Nyjah] 2:50 pm: or writing my name on his hand cos he couldn't remember it. he inspired me to change my sceren name to
Nyjah. cos thats who i am. i wish he was still here.
[Nyjah] 2:50 pm: ill never forget you bro. ever



Edited by Nyjah (08/20/07 11:07 PM)

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#174705 - 08/21/07 02:52 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Nyjah]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
im sorry.


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#174707 - 08/21/07 02:57 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Nyjah]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Nyjah, don't be sorry. We have to let out the anger and hurt or it will come out in other, unhealthy ways. This is what this site is all about!

Take care of yourself,

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#174719 - 08/21/07 03:52 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Brian]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Nyjah? Is this the first time that you have lost someone that you loved? Well, if it is, I would like to fill you in on some certain realities that we have to live with in this world.

When we love someone, we get very good feelings that come with it. A feeling of connection, sharing, .......... love. But it comes with a price. That price is loss. Loss is inevitable in this world because we are mortal, and we all die, no matter how nice you are, no matter how kind you are, no matter how innocent you are, we all die. I suspect this is the first time that you've felt the pain of the loss of someone that you loved, it won't be the last. The love you had for Alexander was something that he was able to take with him to Heaven, and he won't ever forget you.

But no matter how much you hurt over this, do you regret having known Alexander? I suspect not. No, you are blessed to have known him, and you only regret not having been able to know him longer in this life. (I miss him too).

I'm sorry that I didn't know Alexander as well as you.


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#174733 - 08/21/07 04:53 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Hauser]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
No, its not the first time I've lost someone I loved.

My mom took her own life.

This hurts more though, cos Alex was fighting for his life, he was fighting back against what happened. My mom just gave up and blamed me and my dad. Alex...he was my friend. He was my bro.


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#174740 - 08/21/07 05:08 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Nyjah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

Hey, little bro, one of the things that's difficult to accept about life is that it's very often so unfair. All this site shows that fact, doesn't it?

But what matters is what we do about that, right? How do we react when we lose someone, and how can we find ways to move on in healthy ways. Brian is so right when he tells you that it's important to let out how we feel.

That's what we are doing when we grieve. We are expressing what we have lost and how it affects us, and at the same time, perhaps in ways we don't see right away, we are finding our ways to let go and move on.

Do you see how you are doing that here? You're expressing your hurt at losing Alexander, but you're also deciding how to remember him: as the cool guy who wrote your name on his hand, as the older teen who took you seriously and included you in fun things as his friend, and as the brave survivor who wouldn't give up.

I think Alexander will look down and be happy you see him this way. He will always be your friend, bro.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174743 - 08/21/07 05:16 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Nyjah,

What a powerful post for a powerful friendship! I'm so sorry you have to go through this painful period...but go through it we will...together. Don't forget to lean on others at this time all that you can.

Rob

_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#174752 - 08/21/07 05:43 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Still]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. But at the same time I know he's still with me you know? Like, when I log in and write Nyjah, I know he helped me make that decision.

Thanks for the support guys. It means a ton. I really appreciate it.

I miss you alex.


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#174756 - 08/21/07 05:48 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: Nyjah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

It's okay to cry. That's another way we have of expressing how we feel at our loss. I just love the idea that you will have your friendship with Alex every time you write your name. How totally cool is that?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174809 - 08/21/07 08:56 PM Re: I had to get this out. Might Trigger. [Re: roadrunner]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Nyjah,

I don't know how you feel, because everyone grieves differently.

I do know I miss Alexander too. He was a big help when I first came here and needed to talk. He always had the most amazing and smartest things to say to people. I know he went through more pain than anyone should have to go though in a lifetime. I think this part of what gave him wisdom beyond his years. His wisdome was able to help people, including you, and me.

It is ok to cry, Nyjah. I remember in a recent post that you wrote about not crying. But now, you haven't hidden from your feelings about Alexander. It hurts, but its a gift in a way, to experience that pain. I welcome the tears I've shed, because Alexandar deserves to have them and he was one of the people who helped me feel enough to shed them.

Keith



Edited by KeithR (08/21/07 08:57 PM)

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