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#17480 - 05/10/03 10:53 AM Mother's Day
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I remember last year on Mother's Day my uncle wanted me to go visit my mother in prison and wish her well. I refused and he was annoyed with me for a while. This year he hasn't suggested it at all, I suppose because now he knows what she did to me.

I had a dream last night where my mother died and I went to her funeral. It was just me and my uncle (her brother) at that funeral. Not even my sister came. When it was over my uncle wandered away and I stood over the casket and spit on it. Then I walked away too.

It hurts me to see all these Mother's Day commercials on TV. I envy a person who had a mother that they'd want to thank or show respect for. I bet they were held and rocked and fed by their mothers. I bet they were tucked in at night and read bedtime stories and kissed on the cheek when they came home from school. I'll never know what that's like but everyone has a mother and it seems like the ones with loving mothers have something that I don't. They're less empty inside, maybe. I had one half of the equation... a loving father, and I am grateful for that, because I know some people had neither. It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother because she never helped foster them. She avoided me as a baby. When I became a child she beat me and sold me and used me for sex. We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to. She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person. \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#17481 - 05/10/03 11:26 AM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother because she never helped foster them. She avoided me as a baby. When I became a child she beat me and sold me and used me for sex.
As you may remember Josh, my story is tragically much like your own in this. I empathize with you in that empty feeling, that lack of love feeling & attachment to my mother.

Quote:
We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to. She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person. \:\(
My mother means nothing to me either, except perp #1. I don't think this means there is anything wrong with me, or with you, Josh. I think it means
we have the sense enuf to know the difference between a biological mother and a true nurturing, caring, loving, child-rearing mother. My mother is
only my biological mother. My mother is just a mother...

For me Mother's Day is about my wife and our daughters, my own true family of creation. So it's not really Mother's Day but Wife Day & Daughter Day which suits me fine.

Josh the only way your feelings reflect on you or me is that they show you & I we are survivors!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17482 - 05/10/03 01:18 PM Re: Mother's Day
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
"We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to."

that struck me heavily - it is the knawing emptyness in my stomach (perhaps why I am have always been a fat little kid?)

coming to terms with her is the hardest for me - partly because I didn't feel bonded but did not know why for so long - it was the heart of why I felt like a "freak of nature" - other kids seemed to love and be loved by their mothers - painful stuff

((((((((sick puppy))))))))) you are not alone

....t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#17483 - 05/10/03 04:16 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I wasn't abused by my mother, or any family ever, but my mother has always been a distant person to me.
She cared for me well, loves me I have no doubt, but she's always been cold and afraid of showing any emotion. We've never been close, although I am getting closer now.

But when I met my wife I bonded with my mother in law Jemima; I know mother in laws are always the butt of every comedians jokes but she was different. I could laugh with her, talk to her about anything. She'd put me to bed and look after me when I was drunk and she never complained ( we lived with my in laws for a while ) She was a remarkable woman.
She died 9 years ago and when I go for a walk through the woods behind our home I pass the graveyard and I always stop for a quick chat.

Your 'mother' doesn't have to be your biological mother,we can adopt one if we're lucky.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17484 - 05/10/03 04:51 PM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Quote:
Originally posted by Sick Puppy:
It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother ...She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person.
I worry about that too, that I am not able to bond with other people iin a really real way. I go through phases of my life where I don't have any social connections. Then for a while I'll get some friends, or date someone, but then they fade away. Three years ago I moved to a different state, away from a group of friends I had at home. It seemed at the time like I was doing the right thing, but now I wonder if I wasn't moving away from people who liked me.
I get these intense feelings of panic that there is permanently something wrong with me, and I'll never be able to make things work like normal people do. I was abused by both parents, separately, at different times, and I can't seem to really be real with anyone.

sickpuppy, I really admire the relationship you have with your partner. That is inspiring to me.

--Ken


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#17485 - 05/10/03 06:29 PM Re: Mother's Day
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Sick Puppy just to let you know that you are not alone in your reactions. My wife knew I had parents but she says I acted like an orphan. There was not the close bonding and never showed affection.

My mother was not my abuser but she protected him and in a sense condoned what he had done.

When Mother's day comes I celebrate with my wife and step daugther and my Mother-in-law who have been very supportive of me and loving.


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#17486 - 05/10/03 08:04 PM Re: Mother's Day
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Posts like these kind of tear at my heart--I am a really sentimental guy. I just wonder if you have any "mother-like" people in your life, e.g. a loving grandma or aunt or such.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she was a loving mother as best she could be and I adored her. The mother of my best friend George was like a second mother to me and a teacher who knew about my home life did all kinds of things to make me feel loved and a little more secure.

I hope you guys can think of a mother figure that can be of some warmth to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#17487 - 05/10/03 08:17 PM Re: Mother's Day
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Quote:
Originally posted by TheDean:
Posts like these kind of tear at my heart--I am a really sentimental guy. I just wonder if you have any "mother-like" people in your life, e.g. a loving grandma or aunt or such.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she was a loving mother as best she could be and I adored her. The mother of my best friend George was like a second mother to me and a teacher who knew about my home life did all kinds of things to make me feel loved and a little more secure.

I hope you guys can think of a mother figure that can be of some warmth to you.

Bob
I can't speak for any of the others in this thread but I know that I never had any kind of mother figure. All my known relatives, besides my mother and sister, are male. My sister is younger than me so she was never any sort of mother figure. I was never close to any female teachers or neighbors, either. Now and again I have come across a female friend who acts very "motherly" towards me but I find myself getting frightened and pushing them away. I think that perhaps I can't deal with being cared for by a female.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#17488 - 05/10/03 08:28 PM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
No I never had a mother figure either, as most of my SA came from women all who in my so called childhood were domineering & abusive.

But I'm another one who has to say that while it didn't start off so great, I now have a good relationship with my mother in law.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17489 - 05/11/03 12:43 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Victor said:
But I'm another one who has to say that while it didn't start off so great, I now have a good relationship with my mother in law.

Chuck said:
When Mother's day comes I celebrate with my wife and step daugther and my Mother-in-law who have been very supportive of me and loving.

Dave said:
But when I met my wife I bonded with my mother in law Jemima

This is cool that you guys were able to bond with some sort of maternal figure, and also that you rose above your pasts to let in those relationships. Again, I'm impressed with all of you who have created your own loving families in your current lives. I guess I'll have to toss out some of my self-pity and work at the whole relationship thing if all you guys are doing it.
:p


i had a stepmother for a couple of years that was actually the opposite of the stepmother stereotype. She was decent to me, and she's the one that set up a bed for me when I would spend the night at that house, instead of sleeping in a chair in the living room. I actually liked her a lot. Unfortunately I didn't see her anymore after she separated from my father, but still even having that brief contact with a normal relationship helps.

Also, in elementary school, I ate dinner a lot over at my friend's house. I never talked with those parents about anything serious, but it still helped to be around people who were normal and decent.

I think I was lucky to have these contacts, but since none of these people were my family, I think it left me with the feeling of never being the insider. I was always on the outside, pretending that they were my family, but thinking that I could never have that for myself. Does that make sense to anybody?


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#17490 - 05/11/03 12:58 AM Re: Mother's Day
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
My mother did not abuse me but was also a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence at the hand of my father. About a year and half ago, I lost my mom and so this mother's day once again, I am without a "mom" in this world. It is affecting me although I keep trying to hide it and cover it up. I suppose that is what affected my student clinic time today when I couldn't seem to make any of the massages work out.

But what many of you have written about your mom and your feelings towards her, that is exactly the same way I feel about my father...

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#17491 - 05/11/03 10:26 AM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I think I was lucky to have these contacts, but since none of these people were my family, I think it left me with the feeling of never being the insider. I was always on the outside, pretending that they were my family, but thinking that I could never have that for myself. Does that make sense to anybody?
Yes Bowman it does. Growing up, my best friends in one neighborhood was a large Afro-American family (I'm Italian-American myself). The
kids all just called each other "brother" &
"sister" (maybe becuz there were so many of them) and the parents "mother" and "father." So that's what I called them all, too! They thot it was kinda funny but never really minded.

Quote:
I am without a "mom" in this world. It is affecting me although I keep trying to hide it and cover it up. I suppose that is what affected my student clinic time today when I couldn't seem to make any of the massages work out.
Tho my mother is alive (or she exists anyway) I kinda feel that way too Don. Incredible how the loss/lack of family of origin can affect us in our work & everything.

Maybe it makes sense that we don't, but as my wife just now pointed out to me, I wonder why we never hear about abusive mothers & the children who live with their abuse on Mothers Day?

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17492 - 05/11/03 06:14 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bowman

Quote:
Also, in elementary school, I ate dinner a lot over at my friend's house. I never talked with those parents about anything serious, but it still helped to be around people who were normal and decent.
This makes a lot of sense to me !
When I was little, 5 onwards, my best friend came from the roughest family in our local town. Much to the horror of my parents.
Micks mom was loud, wore too much make-up, fake leapord-skin coat, short skirts ( she hadn't got the legs and body for this stuff I promise you ! ) Mick had about 7 or 8 brothers and sisters and none looked remotely alike. I guess she had a lot of men friends.
But I loved to go there, half the kids in town hung out there. She fed us bread and jam ( jelly ? ) and glasses of pop then clipped our ears and kicked us out of the door. She dried us out when we fell in the river, and wiped the blood of our grazes with the dirty dish cloth. And she NEVER complained.
It was home to her family, and as good as to many of us local kids.

The great thing for me was I didn't have to take my shoes off every time I went in and I could sit on the floor to watch TV. WOW \:D

And this was the attitude of my mother in law, if I hadn't got an ash tray to hand - use the mug I'd just had my coffee in, it's ok.
My parents still make me coffee in a cup and saucer and give me a serviette !!
Somehow I can't relax like that. Something ain't quite right.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17493 - 05/12/03 01:54 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Quote:

Growing up, my best friends in one neighborhood was a large Afro-American family (I'm Italian-American myself). The
kids all just called each other "brother" &
"sister" (maybe becuz there were so many of them) and the parents "mother" and "father." So that's what I called them all, too! They thot it was kinda funny but never really minded.
Quote:
But I loved to go there, half the kids in town hung out there. She fed us bread and jam ( jelly ? ) and glasses of pop then clipped our ears and kicked us out of the door. She dried us out when we fell in the river, and wiped the blood of our grazes with the dirty dish cloth. And she NEVER complained.
It was home to her family, and as good as to many of us local kids.
Common threads here, I guess. I'm glad we were able to find refuges that gave us a little of what we lacked.


Dave, I know you said you weren't abused by your parents, but it seems like they weren't really there for you, since you weren't able to get help from them (I don't know if you tried or not) when you were being abused.

Ken


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#17494 - 05/12/03 05:14 AM Re: Mother's Day
oldjoe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/02
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington
Josh and all, i wouldn't be having the problems i have now if my mother had not chosen to look the other way or been to busy to be around.
This week before mothers day is very depressing and i get and feel the rage and anger, i'm begining to feel the battle is not worth it and it would be easier to just end it as some of my fellow surviors have chosen to do.
Gary


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#17495 - 05/12/03 09:13 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Gary,
I'm sorry you are going through so much hurt and anger right now. Sorry I don't have any magic answer.
--Ken


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#17496 - 05/12/03 10:19 AM Re: Mother's Day
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Gary,

I hope things get better for you after getting through Mother's Day itself.

The battle is hard, but ending it is not the answer. Read some of the posts here of guys making progress, a little at a time, but progress. You and I can make progress, too, no matter how bad it feels at times.

Find someone/somewhere to talk and vent, a therapist, a friend, these boards. If you really feel like "ending it" you need to talk. Call a suicide hotline if that's the only way to find someone right now. 1-800-784-2433

Go easy on yourself.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#17497 - 05/12/03 11:28 AM Re: Mother's Day
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Gary
A couple of months ago, probably around Feb, I was feeling down and depressed. I thought I could not take this much longer, but I got this idea that the perps have taken so much from me that they do not deserve my life. They don't deserve your life, you deserve your life. Call a friend or your T, because I know it is tough and keep reading these posts.

Chuck


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#17498 - 05/12/03 12:42 PM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
No mother can be expected to love unconditionally;
each has her limitations. But no mother has the right to sexually abuse her offspring or fail to protect them from being harmed by others.

When we reach adulthood, there is only one person responsible enough to be our mother--ourself. Whether female or male, we can learn to be a caring non-abusive mother to our child within. Only then can we decide how we want to relate to the person we called "mother" when we were children. Perhaps the mothering side of ourself, who helped our inner child make it through the abuse, is the one who deserves tender, caring love
this Mother's Day.
--------------------------------------------------
I know yesterday was Mother's Day, but the above was today's meditation from "Surviving with Serenity: Daily Meditations for Incest Survivors"
by T. Thomas.

This gives me a lot to think about in relating to my mother, and in deciding who my mother really is

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17499 - 05/12/03 06:27 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ken
my parents were good enough, just not an emotional or sharing kind of family. I was never mistreated by them at all, I just never learned to share anything with them

I was abused at boarding school and when the headmaster found out he did nothing, he actuallt didn't believe me. And at that time he was the most powerful person in my world - so where else could I try ?

My parents are in their mid 80's so it's too late to tell them now, which I know is going to leave me with the slightest doubt in my mind " what would they have done ?"

I "know" they would have cared for me, taken me away from the school and raised hell, because they're good people. But............

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17500 - 05/12/03 06:31 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Gary
Your fellow survivors did NOT choose to end it, they were still in grip of their abusers, and we don't need to be there Gary.

Be strong.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17501 - 05/13/03 01:13 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Quote:

posted by Lloydy:
I was abused at boarding school and when the headmaster found out he did nothing, he actuallt didn't believe me. And at that time he was the most powerful person in my world - so where else could I try ?
I'm sorry. That must have been devastating.

It seems like that's the particularly terrible thing about SA, its not just the actual abuse, but also the separation from the rest of humanity. Until years later when we try to reconnect in place like this.


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#17502 - 05/13/03 02:37 AM Re: Mother's Day
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
MY mother died when I was 25 (27 years ago), and it was a relief.

She was no longer around to poison the relationship with my new fiancee of one week.

She would never meet her grandchildren, and I would never have to protect them from her.

I did have to protect them from her poison that lived within me. The everpresent self loathing that she taught me so well was a constant threat, to my family, and to my wellbeing.

To learn to treat myself as if I mattered felt like It was an endeaver of pure alchemy,... like turning lead into gold.

To be gentle with myself back then meant not killing myself today.

I did not percieve suicidal thoughts as part of the equation working against the notion of being gentle with myself. I believed I deserved to die. She taught me to believe this about myself by what she did to me.

To turn this around I had to learn what happened to me which is difficult enough in, and of itself.

The tortuous part for me was to unlearn what I had learned from her, which is giving up the unstable props that barely held me up if at all (ie.sexual addictions,obsessive compulsions etc.)

To feel the real pain of what happened and not numb out is both the good news and the bad news of my recovery.

Allowing the wound to heal by draining all the pus, leaves me a wound that can then heal properly. Having done this, some desensitization by telling my story over and over, and over,and over again, has finally set in.

Tomorrow I may have to start almost all over again. But every time I recover from a shame spiral, the next one is a little less devastating.

This healing process is directly against the lessons she taught me.

I used to believe I was the mistake at birth, but I know the mistake that was made in my life was her doing not mine. I had no skills for dealing with what she dealt me.

I'm now my primary caregiver, and I seem to be doing good enough.

I know the parenting I gave my daughters was far better than the parenting I rewcieved.

I had lost any sense of having a loving protective mother long,long before she died.

Again it was a relief when her life ended.

The twisted love loyalties took years to untangle and I'm not done yet..

I've just learned to live with the pangs of almost feeling like an ungrateful son, and of mourning the loss of what wasn't.


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#17503 - 05/14/03 12:53 AM Re: Mother's Day
oldjoe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/02
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington
Thank you for the words of encouragement
your very kind and i appreciate that, i just feel anger and internal rage, with no outet, so i get very depressed as i am now and have been for a while.
I don't know what the answer is, but this is getting to be a dead end street
gary


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#17504 - 05/14/03 06:33 AM Re: Mother's Day
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Josh wrote
Quote:
We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to. She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person. \:\(
Josh, I understand this cuz I wonder the same thing.
Bowman wrote
Quote:
I think I was lucky to have these contacts, but since none of these people were my family, I think it left me with the feeling of never being the insider. I was always on the outside, pretending that they were my family, but thinking that I could never have that for myself. Does that make sense to anybody?
It makes complete and total sense to me now, at this crap stage of "recovery" I'm in.
MrDon wrote
Quote:
But what many of you have written about your mom and your feelings towards her, that is exactly the same way I feel about my father...
Everyone else who wrote - I don't have the gumption to reply the way I'd like to, sorry guys.

This thread and the "My So-Called Father" thread...

Between these two, I've got to be soooo f'in careful cuz they tunnel down to what defines what happened to me. I just can't go into my black hole of relational lack of bonding with another human being; the lack of being able to trust and and bond with and sustaint a meaningful relationship be it friends or lover -

This, to me, far more than any physical, emotional, sexual abuse - this is the most devistating consequence of my family of origin. Oh how I envy so many here who have families of their own (good, bad, divorced, whatever); at least you were able to play the game that far.

I can't find the third thread that turned into more deep deep stuff about the inner emptiness, where is it? As I posted somewhere else, lost that one too, this is stuff I can only process in T sessions, which I've been doing like with incredible intensity these past couple of months. There are memories and feelings inside that I can't let loose, least they cause my total destruction.

jer \:\( \:\( \:\( \:\( \:\(


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#17505 - 05/09/04 05:02 PM Re: Mother's Day
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
2004 – The pain of this day is still present for those of us whose bonds with our parents were severed by abuse.

I have reread the posts and notice how much I missed. Had I been able to, sickpuppy’s initial post could have helped me realize how I tried to force my kids to honor their mother for my own reasons (see other post “Mother's Day 2002-2003-2004”)

Quote:
I remember last year on Mother's Day my uncle wanted me to go visit my mother in prison and wish her well. I refused and he was annoyed with me for a while. This year he hasn't suggested it at all, I suppose because now he knows what she did to me.
Our discussion continued examining the lack of bonding – search for replacement – need to rely on ourselves in adulthood. We learn so much from each other’s paths to recovery. I thank each of you.

Now I shall make a Journal entry for this day to allow myself to speak as much truth as I can and perhaps I will look back next year to see something helpful about my journey.

My own journey brings me to face with the way in which, as a child and as an adult, I have never allowed anyone to get close – to allow any bonding. I struggle with it even now, as I am trying to accept my T as a person – to feel her compassion – and to build trust with her. It is a slow process. I am living with the hope that once I have accomplished even this little bit of letting someone in, I will be able to allow it with others in the rest of my life.

I am overwhelmed in therapy as I begin to discover the depth of ways in which I live in disassociation – Almost total inability to be in the present using the protection of altering my sense of time – physical self awareness (almost non existent) – or avoiding feeling anything. I never see myself as an adult. I difficult to feel emotions from the present. I have no sense of my body. A total system of protection walling out life, any hope of relationship/bonding and being facing the realities of the present.

I believe this is the hardwiring of my brain from my child’s mind effort to survive the unacceptable world I lived in beginning at infancy and lasting throughout my whole life. These defenses – served me then. Now…they are like the considerable extra weight around my middle which I carry around – comfortable habits used as armor against the feared discomfort of reality – I can not allow the child’s rage toward his mother to surface – to place the blame from it’s suicidal focus on me to my mother. I would surely kill her for what she did. Then I would truly be a motherless child and the complex world view of myself to which I desperately clung, would tumble down into nothingness. I would be cast into the abyss – a desperate child with no sense of self – with no family-parents-self on which to rely. This is the true harvest of parental sexual abuse of this infant which destroyed his/my sense of self. It is so frightening…

But nothing could be more wrong…no amount of pain in the present could be worse than the cumulative effects of this denial system on my life. I will push on. I have no choice. My brothers here will listen, my therapist will listen and so must I to the hidden truths beneath my tenuous facade

It feels good to speak this truth and it is the truth of this day, in the present. Mother’s Day, 2004.

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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