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#17490 - 05/11/03 12:58 AM Re: Mother's Day
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
My mother did not abuse me but was also a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence at the hand of my father. About a year and half ago, I lost my mom and so this mother's day once again, I am without a "mom" in this world. It is affecting me although I keep trying to hide it and cover it up. I suppose that is what affected my student clinic time today when I couldn't seem to make any of the massages work out.

But what many of you have written about your mom and your feelings towards her, that is exactly the same way I feel about my father...

Don

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In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

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#17491 - 05/11/03 10:26 AM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I think I was lucky to have these contacts, but since none of these people were my family, I think it left me with the feeling of never being the insider. I was always on the outside, pretending that they were my family, but thinking that I could never have that for myself. Does that make sense to anybody?
Yes Bowman it does. Growing up, my best friends in one neighborhood was a large Afro-American family (I'm Italian-American myself). The
kids all just called each other "brother" &
"sister" (maybe becuz there were so many of them) and the parents "mother" and "father." So that's what I called them all, too! They thot it was kinda funny but never really minded.

Quote:
I am without a "mom" in this world. It is affecting me although I keep trying to hide it and cover it up. I suppose that is what affected my student clinic time today when I couldn't seem to make any of the massages work out.
Tho my mother is alive (or she exists anyway) I kinda feel that way too Don. Incredible how the loss/lack of family of origin can affect us in our work & everything.

Maybe it makes sense that we don't, but as my wife just now pointed out to me, I wonder why we never hear about abusive mothers & the children who live with their abuse on Mothers Day?

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17492 - 05/11/03 06:14 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bowman

Quote:
Also, in elementary school, I ate dinner a lot over at my friend's house. I never talked with those parents about anything serious, but it still helped to be around people who were normal and decent.
This makes a lot of sense to me !
When I was little, 5 onwards, my best friend came from the roughest family in our local town. Much to the horror of my parents.
Micks mom was loud, wore too much make-up, fake leapord-skin coat, short skirts ( she hadn't got the legs and body for this stuff I promise you ! ) Mick had about 7 or 8 brothers and sisters and none looked remotely alike. I guess she had a lot of men friends.
But I loved to go there, half the kids in town hung out there. She fed us bread and jam ( jelly ? ) and glasses of pop then clipped our ears and kicked us out of the door. She dried us out when we fell in the river, and wiped the blood of our grazes with the dirty dish cloth. And she NEVER complained.
It was home to her family, and as good as to many of us local kids.

The great thing for me was I didn't have to take my shoes off every time I went in and I could sit on the floor to watch TV. WOW \:D

And this was the attitude of my mother in law, if I hadn't got an ash tray to hand - use the mug I'd just had my coffee in, it's ok.
My parents still make me coffee in a cup and saucer and give me a serviette !!
Somehow I can't relax like that. Something ain't quite right.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17493 - 05/12/03 01:54 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Quote:

Growing up, my best friends in one neighborhood was a large Afro-American family (I'm Italian-American myself). The
kids all just called each other "brother" &
"sister" (maybe becuz there were so many of them) and the parents "mother" and "father." So that's what I called them all, too! They thot it was kinda funny but never really minded.
Quote:
But I loved to go there, half the kids in town hung out there. She fed us bread and jam ( jelly ? ) and glasses of pop then clipped our ears and kicked us out of the door. She dried us out when we fell in the river, and wiped the blood of our grazes with the dirty dish cloth. And she NEVER complained.
It was home to her family, and as good as to many of us local kids.
Common threads here, I guess. I'm glad we were able to find refuges that gave us a little of what we lacked.


Dave, I know you said you weren't abused by your parents, but it seems like they weren't really there for you, since you weren't able to get help from them (I don't know if you tried or not) when you were being abused.

Ken


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#17494 - 05/12/03 05:14 AM Re: Mother's Day
oldjoe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/02
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington
Josh and all, i wouldn't be having the problems i have now if my mother had not chosen to look the other way or been to busy to be around.
This week before mothers day is very depressing and i get and feel the rage and anger, i'm begining to feel the battle is not worth it and it would be easier to just end it as some of my fellow surviors have chosen to do.
Gary


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#17495 - 05/12/03 09:13 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Gary,
I'm sorry you are going through so much hurt and anger right now. Sorry I don't have any magic answer.
--Ken


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#17496 - 05/12/03 10:19 AM Re: Mother's Day
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Gary,

I hope things get better for you after getting through Mother's Day itself.

The battle is hard, but ending it is not the answer. Read some of the posts here of guys making progress, a little at a time, but progress. You and I can make progress, too, no matter how bad it feels at times.

Find someone/somewhere to talk and vent, a therapist, a friend, these boards. If you really feel like "ending it" you need to talk. Call a suicide hotline if that's the only way to find someone right now. 1-800-784-2433

Go easy on yourself.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#17497 - 05/12/03 11:28 AM Re: Mother's Day
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Gary
A couple of months ago, probably around Feb, I was feeling down and depressed. I thought I could not take this much longer, but I got this idea that the perps have taken so much from me that they do not deserve my life. They don't deserve your life, you deserve your life. Call a friend or your T, because I know it is tough and keep reading these posts.

Chuck


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#17498 - 05/12/03 12:42 PM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
No mother can be expected to love unconditionally;
each has her limitations. But no mother has the right to sexually abuse her offspring or fail to protect them from being harmed by others.

When we reach adulthood, there is only one person responsible enough to be our mother--ourself. Whether female or male, we can learn to be a caring non-abusive mother to our child within. Only then can we decide how we want to relate to the person we called "mother" when we were children. Perhaps the mothering side of ourself, who helped our inner child make it through the abuse, is the one who deserves tender, caring love
this Mother's Day.
--------------------------------------------------
I know yesterday was Mother's Day, but the above was today's meditation from "Surviving with Serenity: Daily Meditations for Incest Survivors"
by T. Thomas.

This gives me a lot to think about in relating to my mother, and in deciding who my mother really is

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17499 - 05/12/03 06:27 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ken
my parents were good enough, just not an emotional or sharing kind of family. I was never mistreated by them at all, I just never learned to share anything with them

I was abused at boarding school and when the headmaster found out he did nothing, he actuallt didn't believe me. And at that time he was the most powerful person in my world - so where else could I try ?

My parents are in their mid 80's so it's too late to tell them now, which I know is going to leave me with the slightest doubt in my mind " what would they have done ?"

I "know" they would have cared for me, taken me away from the school and raised hell, because they're good people. But............

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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