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#17480 - 05/10/03 10:53 AM Mother's Day
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I remember last year on Mother's Day my uncle wanted me to go visit my mother in prison and wish her well. I refused and he was annoyed with me for a while. This year he hasn't suggested it at all, I suppose because now he knows what she did to me.

I had a dream last night where my mother died and I went to her funeral. It was just me and my uncle (her brother) at that funeral. Not even my sister came. When it was over my uncle wandered away and I stood over the casket and spit on it. Then I walked away too.

It hurts me to see all these Mother's Day commercials on TV. I envy a person who had a mother that they'd want to thank or show respect for. I bet they were held and rocked and fed by their mothers. I bet they were tucked in at night and read bedtime stories and kissed on the cheek when they came home from school. I'll never know what that's like but everyone has a mother and it seems like the ones with loving mothers have something that I don't. They're less empty inside, maybe. I had one half of the equation... a loving father, and I am grateful for that, because I know some people had neither. It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother because she never helped foster them. She avoided me as a baby. When I became a child she beat me and sold me and used me for sex. We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to. She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person. \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#17481 - 05/10/03 11:26 AM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother because she never helped foster them. She avoided me as a baby. When I became a child she beat me and sold me and used me for sex.
As you may remember Josh, my story is tragically much like your own in this. I empathize with you in that empty feeling, that lack of love feeling & attachment to my mother.

Quote:
We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to. She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person. \:\(
My mother means nothing to me either, except perp #1. I don't think this means there is anything wrong with me, or with you, Josh. I think it means
we have the sense enuf to know the difference between a biological mother and a true nurturing, caring, loving, child-rearing mother. My mother is
only my biological mother. My mother is just a mother...

For me Mother's Day is about my wife and our daughters, my own true family of creation. So it's not really Mother's Day but Wife Day & Daughter Day which suits me fine.

Josh the only way your feelings reflect on you or me is that they show you & I we are survivors!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17482 - 05/10/03 01:18 PM Re: Mother's Day
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
"We never bonded like a mother and son are supposed to."

that struck me heavily - it is the knawing emptyness in my stomach (perhaps why I am have always been a fat little kid?)

coming to terms with her is the hardest for me - partly because I didn't feel bonded but did not know why for so long - it was the heart of why I felt like a "freak of nature" - other kids seemed to love and be loved by their mothers - painful stuff

((((((((sick puppy))))))))) you are not alone

....t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#17483 - 05/10/03 04:16 PM Re: Mother's Day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I wasn't abused by my mother, or any family ever, but my mother has always been a distant person to me.
She cared for me well, loves me I have no doubt, but she's always been cold and afraid of showing any emotion. We've never been close, although I am getting closer now.

But when I met my wife I bonded with my mother in law Jemima; I know mother in laws are always the butt of every comedians jokes but she was different. I could laugh with her, talk to her about anything. She'd put me to bed and look after me when I was drunk and she never complained ( we lived with my in laws for a while ) She was a remarkable woman.
She died 9 years ago and when I go for a walk through the woods behind our home I pass the graveyard and I always stop for a quick chat.

Your 'mother' doesn't have to be your biological mother,we can adopt one if we're lucky.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#17484 - 05/10/03 04:51 PM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Quote:
Originally posted by Sick Puppy:
It still makes me feel empty, though, to realize that I have no feelings of love or attachment towards my mother ...She means nothing to me, and it worries me, because I wonder if it reflects on myself as a person.
I worry about that too, that I am not able to bond with other people iin a really real way. I go through phases of my life where I don't have any social connections. Then for a while I'll get some friends, or date someone, but then they fade away. Three years ago I moved to a different state, away from a group of friends I had at home. It seemed at the time like I was doing the right thing, but now I wonder if I wasn't moving away from people who liked me.
I get these intense feelings of panic that there is permanently something wrong with me, and I'll never be able to make things work like normal people do. I was abused by both parents, separately, at different times, and I can't seem to really be real with anyone.

sickpuppy, I really admire the relationship you have with your partner. That is inspiring to me.

--Ken


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#17485 - 05/10/03 06:29 PM Re: Mother's Day
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Sick Puppy just to let you know that you are not alone in your reactions. My wife knew I had parents but she says I acted like an orphan. There was not the close bonding and never showed affection.

My mother was not my abuser but she protected him and in a sense condoned what he had done.

When Mother's day comes I celebrate with my wife and step daugther and my Mother-in-law who have been very supportive of me and loving.


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#17486 - 05/10/03 08:04 PM Re: Mother's Day
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Posts like these kind of tear at my heart--I am a really sentimental guy. I just wonder if you have any "mother-like" people in your life, e.g. a loving grandma or aunt or such.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she was a loving mother as best she could be and I adored her. The mother of my best friend George was like a second mother to me and a teacher who knew about my home life did all kinds of things to make me feel loved and a little more secure.

I hope you guys can think of a mother figure that can be of some warmth to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#17487 - 05/10/03 08:17 PM Re: Mother's Day
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Quote:
Originally posted by TheDean:
Posts like these kind of tear at my heart--I am a really sentimental guy. I just wonder if you have any "mother-like" people in your life, e.g. a loving grandma or aunt or such.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she was a loving mother as best she could be and I adored her. The mother of my best friend George was like a second mother to me and a teacher who knew about my home life did all kinds of things to make me feel loved and a little more secure.

I hope you guys can think of a mother figure that can be of some warmth to you.

Bob
I can't speak for any of the others in this thread but I know that I never had any kind of mother figure. All my known relatives, besides my mother and sister, are male. My sister is younger than me so she was never any sort of mother figure. I was never close to any female teachers or neighbors, either. Now and again I have come across a female friend who acts very "motherly" towards me but I find myself getting frightened and pushing them away. I think that perhaps I can't deal with being cared for by a female.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#17488 - 05/10/03 08:28 PM Re: Mother's Day
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
No I never had a mother figure either, as most of my SA came from women all who in my so called childhood were domineering & abusive.

But I'm another one who has to say that while it didn't start off so great, I now have a good relationship with my mother in law.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17489 - 05/11/03 12:43 AM Re: Mother's Day
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Victor said:
But I'm another one who has to say that while it didn't start off so great, I now have a good relationship with my mother in law.

Chuck said:
When Mother's day comes I celebrate with my wife and step daugther and my Mother-in-law who have been very supportive of me and loving.

Dave said:
But when I met my wife I bonded with my mother in law Jemima

This is cool that you guys were able to bond with some sort of maternal figure, and also that you rose above your pasts to let in those relationships. Again, I'm impressed with all of you who have created your own loving families in your current lives. I guess I'll have to toss out some of my self-pity and work at the whole relationship thing if all you guys are doing it.
:p


i had a stepmother for a couple of years that was actually the opposite of the stepmother stereotype. She was decent to me, and she's the one that set up a bed for me when I would spend the night at that house, instead of sleeping in a chair in the living room. I actually liked her a lot. Unfortunately I didn't see her anymore after she separated from my father, but still even having that brief contact with a normal relationship helps.

Also, in elementary school, I ate dinner a lot over at my friend's house. I never talked with those parents about anything serious, but it still helped to be around people who were normal and decent.

I think I was lucky to have these contacts, but since none of these people were my family, I think it left me with the feeling of never being the insider. I was always on the outside, pretending that they were my family, but thinking that I could never have that for myself. Does that make sense to anybody?


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