Thank you so much for welcoming me, guys. I feel exausted for being fighting all alone for all of this time. It's the first time I say what I do to myself to anyone. No one in here would even try to understand. They'd probably just put me in a mental institution. Thanks for caring even without knowing me, you don't know how it's helping me...

I'll really try harder and do the things you taught me.

Thanks,
J.

First, welcome to MS.

Second, you're not alone. You're the first first person I've seen to bring up this subject (I've only been here a little over a month). I've got a mass of scars on my left wrist that are twenty years old. When I was cutting myself, I never cut myself enough to kill myself (although that was on my mind), just enough to see blood. The overwhelming feeling at the time was to punish myself. I tried beating myself with a whip, but it wasn't as satisfying. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to kill myself, but couldn't. I showed one of my friends at the time the open wounds on my wrist at the time because she saw the blood in my bathtub and she freaked out. I haven't told anyone since.

A few years ago, I started cutting myself again. I'd been unemployed for a few years and wanted to die (again). I'm currently unemployed and have the urge again, but have resisted.

I guess that what I'm saying is that you're not alone (and neither am I).

Maxx

Especially for the newer guys here...

Check out http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

It may help you anticipate cutting or other self-harm episodes and take positive action instead of something that controls you.

Ken

Here's another way. Find a bunch of nettles and stick some inside your clothes - under socks / inside shirt / inside pants. If anyone sees the rashes you can just say you fell info nettles when you were out for a walk.

I've never felt particularly guilty about doing this - no serious damage to me, and nobody's ever found out. I have stopped it though, even though I feel the urge sometimes. Partly, I laugh at myself - fancy being in love with a bunch of f-ing nettles! Mainly though it's a sort of self-test, just to prove to myself that I can get by without doing it.

Guess that all sounds a bit crazy!

That's what I'm afraid of the most. What will it happen if someone discovers? I don't know what they could think or do.


And patch, I don't think it sounds crazy. You gave me another idea.

burnt my arm with cigarettes............for some reason -------------i am proud of the scars

J-

I did cut myself for over 35 years. For me it was a rush to just feel something. I could not talk with anyone about the abuse or about cutting myself. It was just another reason to isolate. Catch 22 - to talk hurt too much and to cut (more shame and guilt) made the talking hurt even more so I did not talk and cut more and the sick cycle continued.

But I, like you, have to take control and stop. A T can help a great deal and I have heard but do not have first hand knowledge of medication that can help. I am free of this for the 1st time in 35 years and have been for about 8 months - and I can speak 1st hand about what it is like not to be hounded by thoughts to hurt ones self.

Hi J_McCormick,

I'm new here too. I never cut myself but I did bang my head against concrete walls and punch my legs with my fists. I still do it when I get really stressed out. I just wanted to add my voice to those who already spoke. You're not alone in this.

SB

Kelly, my reason to do this is just like that if I cant hurt the people who did this to me then Ill hurt myself. Because I am to blame for these feelings I have. I already tried anything I could to stop this, but it seems like its just like drugs. It became an addiction in my life that I cant control.

SB, actually I already hit my head in the wall too, but it was only once because I couldnt sleep.

Julian,



Have a look at the article Ken has linked to above. It is possible to stop this kind of behavior, and of course for all kinds of reasons it's a good idea to give it a try.

Much love,
Larry