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#174488 - 08/20/07 11:27 AM My progress
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Hi Everyone

I did not get to a therapist yet. I find it rather difficult to get hold of someone in my region, and I would prefer a person who specializes in this matter. But just talking (or writing) about this whole thing appears to be meaning more than what I thought. I know these may be trivial, but to me it's a biggy:

1. I acutally used a urinal in a public toilet for the first time. I never wanted to do it before. I just did it without thinking and was so surprised at myself.
2. I was visiting my parents last weekend. I could never undress before someone else, not even family. I went to the shower while my dad was in the bathroom and started to undress without thinking. (My dad does not know about the abuse...yet). When I was done, I realised that I was naked without being ashamed. That was a big one for me.

There are, however, still a lot of things about the abuse that I do not remember. I am afraid how I may react when I remember all. Did anyone go through something like this?
Thanks
LL


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#174495 - 08/20/07 11:52 AM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Lucky I never forgot about my abuse. Both Perps where very violent and I have had life long health issues to deal with.

Glad to know that you are making process.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#174530 - 08/20/07 06:01 PM Re: My progress [Re: Muldoon]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Should I try to remember everything (with the help of a therapist)? Or should I be grateful that I don't remember it and just leave it? Any opinions?


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#174534 - 08/20/07 06:11 PM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Hello there, Lucky.

I also never saw a therapist but there are things I know Ill never forget. Things such as these. I dont know if you should try to remember it or not. If you dont remember maybe its because your mind made a deal to protect you for what happened or because you were very young.

But there are things we are afraid for not remembering too. If thats your case, them I believe that talking to sb would help you to find the pieces of your memory that you lost. Try a local hotline if you can. That really helps. I didnt know that before some minutes ago too.

Glad to know that people can recover. Glad for you.
Julian

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#174729 - 08/21/07 04:39 PM Re: My progress [Re: user2007]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Hi Julian

I think that's where my problem is. Somehow I feel that I should not be recovering that fast. I feel like the whole problem is getting solved. Everything will be fine.

I am afraid that one day, unexpectedly, I will remember everything. And that I will not be able to handle it. It scares me to death. I cannot remember the actual abuse. just what happened before and after it - giving me enough evidence that it actually happened.


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#174746 - 08/21/07 05:25 PM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Little Lucky,

Memories may come back to you as you gain in confidence. Sometimes traumatic memories are stored away in a different part of the brain where they cannot be recalled (like recalling what you had for breakfast), but are instead triggered.

In my case I never really thought I had "forgotten" anything; it seemed more like I had just refused to look at things. So as my therapy proceeded my T asked me to write things down and try to put them into some order. That way we could talk about whatever bothered me, and writing it all down gave me a sense that I was back in control and using the information to promote my recovery, rather than becoming a victim of the information.

My guess is that you will indeed recovery memories that are very painful. If that happens, however, try to talk about them; they lose their power to harm us when we can talk about them. And remember always that none of this was your fault. What you are recovering is a record of the terrible things done by someone else, not by you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174937 - 08/22/07 09:37 AM Re: My progress [Re: roadrunner]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Larry, thank you so much for your encouragement. I spoke about this whole thing to a very, very good friend of mine. We agreed that she would not bring up the topic, but to be available whenever I need to talk about it. It is almost as if she is on stand-by. I told her about this site, and she was glad about it. I guess I'll keep her on stand-by until (and IF) I remember something. Your explanation helped. The (suspected) abuse happened when I was younger than 6, may even be as little as four years, and I cannot remember anything. I look at my behaviour as a child from a very objective perspective. If I, as an adult, see a child of that age behaving in such a way, I would be very concerned and strongly suspect abuse. Combined with the huge issues I am currently struggling with, I cannot think of any other cause. I posted the type of questions I struggle with, in another thread. The thing is, I can not say for sure that I have been abuse. And that makes me feel guilty that I am even on this site. BUt something happened, and it screwed up part of my life. And I am desperate to deal with it, whatever it was.

Another thing (sorry for this long post) is that I remember one guy's name. I cannot remember any adult's name from that town (except my teachers), but this guy's name keep popping up. And then my sister told a friend (who she definately could not trust) that she was abused by this man.

I don't know what to think.


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#174941 - 08/22/07 09:51 AM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
little lucky
I can't rememeber major parts of my abuse when I try I get disasocilative amnesa. It is a way to protect myself. I don't know if I will ever realy want to know. I am glad though that you are able to start doing things yo could not before.

Greg

_________________________
Greg
Armyguy2007

The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.

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