I can’t believe that I am speaking about this and opening myself like this, but here I go. I was molested by two neighbor boys who were much older than me starting at the age of 5 and ending at age 8. I did not understand what was going on I just knew that I was to tell no one and it hurt. I went on with my life, but became very sexually active at 13 years old. I think it was because I began to realize what had happened was wrong and ashamed. I started using drugs and drinking. After I graduated from high school I went into the army to get my life on track and to prove I was a man.
While I was in the army I was deployed overseas in the middle of nowhere. All there was to do was drink. I went out drinking one night with two girls and a civilian guy that was dating one of the girls. I got very drunk and ended up passing out in the guy’s room. I woke up later to him giving me oral sex. I did not know what to do at first, but after a short time I jumped up and ran to my barracks. The next day I got a note on my door to report to the chaplain’s office at 1900 hours. I went and when I got there was met by the chaplain’s assistant. He told me that he knew what had happened and that he could report me if he wanted to. He told me that the Christian thing to do though was to help me instead. He instructed me to follow him to his barracks room so we could talk some more. When we got there he told me that I was gay but did not know it yet. I told him that I was not. He told me that I would have never gotten hard if I was not gay when the guy blew me.
I can’t get very specific here because it hurts too much, but in summery I was forcibly raped that night. I became numb after that. I continued to go to his room every time after that when he told me to and it happened again and again. I just learned how to escape into my own world and make believe it was not happening.
I cannot understand how I allowed this to happen. I had and have been through combat and have had to kill, but I could not stop this.
I have never been able to love or be in a relationship since. I was having sex, but I feel nothing, so I have stopped. I feel dead inside and have no Idea what to do.

Armyguy2007,

Welcome to the site. It's horrible what has happened to you, but you will find that many on here can relate to what you are saying.

Andy

Welcome. I'm sorry you need to be here, but I'm very glad for you that you found this place. It is an incredible step of strength and courage to step out and admit openly that you want help, much less admit what happened.

It hurts to think someone used a Chaplain's office to pass the lie you wouldn't have gotten hard if you weren't gay. It's worse to think how he used that lie to get what he wanted - power over you - repeatedly.

How you allowed it to happen? I believe that seed was planted back when you were 5 years old. Those wounds run deep and can get us to do things as adults that make no sense.

All I can tell you at this point is you are among friends. We don't judge - we only offer to stand at your side.

My first suggestion is that you find a therapist - someone you can talk face to face with. But, if that is beyond you right now - that's also fine. You have friends here.

Welcome.

M

I hate to open with the "nice to have you thing" but we are glad to have you here.

Thanks for sharing your life with us and know that opening up here is a big step. You are on your way to getting on with your life.

Acting out is what you will probably here others say about some of your actions, but my suggestion is to seek a professional therapist, one who specializes in male CSA.

This is not an easy road you are about to embark upon but it is well worth the effort, it is your life we are talking about and that is important.

The courage to speak out about something as devistating as male CSA, is in my opinion, bravery that has no bounds.

You have SPOKEN VOLUMES...

I have EXPERIENCED the same thing but in PRISON instead
of in the ARMY...BTW the ARMY discharged me other than honorable..

I too DRANK to BURY my secret...

Armyguy,

Welcome to MS. You won't be judged here, buddy. We all have our issues. As a survivor of both childhood and teenage sexual abuse, I can tell you that your body will betray you every time! The perps know it, too, and will use it to help keep you quiet. Erections are normal for boys and certainly young men when stimulated. It has nothing to do with whether you like it or not. It is a physical response.

That chaplain's assistant probably used that line on God only knows how many guys. And trust me, God does know!

I can realte to feeling dead inside when it comes to having sex. But I have to think there is hope for guys like us and this site is the best place I have found to get that hope and keep it alive.

No one can understand or relate, unless it has happened to them or someone they love. You are among friends, Armyguy.

Armyguy:

It took a lot of courage to share your story. You have found a unique place that can offer safety in the storm that swirls in so many of our lives. The incredible thing that I have found out by developing healthy relationships here on the site, is that we can relate to each other's pain, questions, victories and failures.

Take your time, come and visit, read the posts and dive in. You won't regret it.

Regards,

Peter

No matter what you're a good man who deserves to be loved and honored.
You should be proud of yourself because it takes alot of balls and courage to put yourself out there the way you did tonight.

My thoughts are with you during this rough time.

God bless you and always try and remember you are worth so much more then you can even imagine.


Coopstah

I just want to say welcome to the site, you will find a lot of great guys here.

Stefan

Armyguy2007,

Welcome to Male Survivor, and well done - that first post is a rough one to get out. But one thing you will learn here is that this stuff was not your fault, and another is that you're not alone. Change a few of those details and you have the tune and lyrics for my song as well!

Take it easy on yourself and get used to what we have to offer here. You will find that you've got a lot of brothers who know exactly how you feel and can help you with ideas and support.

Much love,
Larry

welcome
Being retired from the army Im so very sorry, That you had to go through that in the Army. I too was a Chaplins Asst the last year I was in. How did he know what happen? well anyway welcome
hope you join us in the Chat room some.
Gary

Wojax

He had been hooking up with the guy. Thanks for your support.

Armyguy2007,

I don't know if you are interested in reading on the subject, but if you think that might help you there's a new book that has just come out on sexual abuse in the American military. The title is Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America's Military, and it's by Mic Hunter, who is a very highly respected therapist and also the author of one of the best handbooks on CSA for male survivors.

Much love,
Larry

So you continued to "go to his room every night" after that. Well, why not? It's all you're good for. You're feeling worthless, so why not? Why NOT whore yourself out? The worst that can happen is that you might feel good for a few moments. So why not?

Unfortunately, when we make these decisions, we fail to see so far in the future, of what the consequences of these decisions will make in our lives. But I understand why you did it. I understand perfectly well why you let the cycle of your abuse continue. It's very easy for me to see. Been there, done that.

But what I would like you to know is that this is a very typical example of what sexual abuse does to us when we're young and vulnerable. You never really had a choice. Terrible things were done to you, and terrible decisions were made by you as a consequence. Please don't feel shame and regret for what your abusers did to you. Take heart. Hold your head up! And take comfort in knowing that you did what any typical sexual-abuse survivor does in order to cope with his pain.

It never felt good of any moments. I just was hoping that maybe he would kill me. It also helped to have him kill me a little more each time so I could go away in my head.

Greg

Well you survived,
That’s only thing that maters. Now it is time to be aware that past is past.
How to learn to love?
I wish I could show you, maybe for the beginning try to remember that love is everything about feelings and not sex.
You can sleep with anybody but if feelings are not there that’s nothing more than physical exercise.
You have to unlock feelings that you froze inside, it is ok to feel, just let it gradually come to surface.

Ivo

Ivo

I really want to learn how to love. I can't even tell my parents that I love them. They were never part of the abuse, but for some reason I blame them for not knowing. For the sex part I do it because people give me attention that I need so badly. I do not know what i will do when the looks go away and I have to have a personality instead for just some act that i put on because I do or say what people want to see or believe.

You do not have to “act”, are you aware of it? Danger is over long time ago.
Try to be yourself ... all protective mechanisms that were good on short time are now burden. You have to get rid of it, get rid of all kind of fears and insecurities that have no meaningful purpose now.
Nothing would happen if you stop ”acting” regarding other people believes and wishes, they do not want you to act, there is no need for it and actually you do not want that any more.

Just relax and your personality would come up naturally, of course we all needed some time for this to happen...good luck.

Ivo

Ivo

I just don't know who the real me is? Any ideas on how to find it?

It seems weird but if you could stop asking yourself that question over and over you might be very close to figure it out.

Try to stop to think about it.

Armyguy2007, what you did in those 464 words took a great deal of inner strength and courage. Welcome to a safe place to be on your journey with men who have been there in our own way. Just remember, that with all that you are feeling;

You, Armyguy2007, are a sacred man. Acknowledge yourself for finding malesurvivor.com and writing such a powerful post and hitting the submit button. When you don't know what to do, re-read the acknowledgments other men wrote to you. Let their words sink in and feel how much you are cared for and accepted by all of us.

Daniel

Intending inner peace for you Armyguy2007

Thank you, I will try.

Hi,

I can only chime in with welcoming you, and telling you you're not alone. I was abused both as a child and as an adult, though not quite what you experienced. I can relate most to the shame. Thanks for having the courage to tell your story. I hope I can do my part to be supportive.

Ed

Hey Greg,

That was one powerful post, and it's good you got it out.

I can relate to your inability to "feel", I too suffer that left over lack of emotional connection.

It is the root of all the problems with the abuse, and my wife and my relationship. Thus the screen name emptydreamer.

You have found a fabulous place here, and healing is possible, I'm learning that myself and it is because of this place and the people here.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

Thank you everyone for your support and input keep it coming.

Hi ArmyGuy,

I'm glad that I've had the chance to speak with you before and that, for the moment, we're only miles away.

I think it is great that you had the courage to share what you did. I could feel tears welling up as I read your post. I can relate to the fear and the shut down feelings. You touched my soul and you, along with everyone else here, share a part of my soul. It all seems kind of like a dream, doesn't it? And waking up is hard to do.

I hope that you find tons of support here. I'm in your corner, as many others are.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.