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#174564 - 08/20/07 09:27 PM Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help.
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
I can’t believe that I am speaking about this and opening myself like this, but here I go. I was molested by two neighbor boys who were much older than me starting at the age of 5 and ending at age 8. I did not understand what was going on I just knew that I was to tell no one and it hurt. I went on with my life, but became very sexually active at 13 years old. I think it was because I began to realize what had happened was wrong and ashamed. I started using drugs and drinking. After I graduated from high school I went into the army to get my life on track and to prove I was a man.
While I was in the army I was deployed overseas in the middle of nowhere. All there was to do was drink. I went out drinking one night with two girls and a civilian guy that was dating one of the girls. I got very drunk and ended up passing out in the guy’s room. I woke up later to him giving me oral sex. I did not know what to do at first, but after a short time I jumped up and ran to my barracks. The next day I got a note on my door to report to the chaplain’s office at 1900 hours. I went and when I got there was met by the chaplain’s assistant. He told me that he knew what had happened and that he could report me if he wanted to. He told me that the Christian thing to do though was to help me instead. He instructed me to follow him to his barracks room so we could talk some more. When we got there he told me that I was gay but did not know it yet. I told him that I was not. He told me that I would have never gotten hard if I was not gay when the guy blew me.
I can’t get very specific here because it hurts too much, but in summery I was forcibly raped that night. I became numb after that. I continued to go to his room every time after that when he told me to and it happened again and again. I just learned how to escape into my own world and make believe it was not happening.
I cannot understand how I allowed this to happen. I had and have been through combat and have had to kill, but I could not stop this.
I have never been able to love or be in a relationship since. I was having sex, but I feel nothing, so I have stopped. I feel dead inside and have no Idea what to do.




Edited by Armyguy2007 (01/27/11 07:13 PM)
Edit Reason: Updated

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#174566 - 08/20/07 09:38 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11177
Loc: Denver, CO
Armyguy2007,

Welcome to the site. It's horrible what has happened to you, but you will find that many on here can relate to what you are saying.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#174567 - 08/20/07 09:41 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome. I'm sorry you need to be here, but I'm very glad for you that you found this place. It is an incredible step of strength and courage to step out and admit openly that you want help, much less admit what happened.

It hurts to think someone used a Chaplain's office to pass the lie you wouldn't have gotten hard if you weren't gay. It's worse to think how he used that lie to get what he wanted - power over you - repeatedly.

How you allowed it to happen? I believe that seed was planted back when you were 5 years old. Those wounds run deep and can get us to do things as adults that make no sense.

All I can tell you at this point is you are among friends. We don't judge - we only offer to stand at your side.

My first suggestion is that you find a therapist - someone you can talk face to face with. But, if that is beyond you right now - that's also fine. You have friends here.

Welcome.

M


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#174568 - 08/20/07 09:48 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I hate to open with the "nice to have you thing" but we are glad to have you here.

Thanks for sharing your life with us and know that opening up here is a big step. You are on your way to getting on with your life.

Acting out is what you will probably here others say about some of your actions, but my suggestion is to seek a professional therapist, one who specializes in male CSA.

This is not an easy road you are about to embark upon but it is well worth the effort, it is your life we are talking about and that is important.

The courage to speak out about something as devistating as male CSA, is in my opinion, bravery that has no bounds.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#174569 - 08/20/07 09:48 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: MarkK]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

You have SPOKEN VOLUMES...

I have EXPERIENCED the same thing but in PRISON instead
of in the ARMY...BTW the ARMY discharged me other than honorable..

I too DRANK to BURY my secret...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174570 - 08/20/07 09:50 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: MarkK]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Armyguy,

Welcome to MS. You won't be judged here, buddy. We all have our issues. As a survivor of both childhood and teenage sexual abuse, I can tell you that your body will betray you every time! The perps know it, too, and will use it to help keep you quiet. Erections are normal for boys and certainly young men when stimulated. It has nothing to do with whether you like it or not. It is a physical response.

That chaplain's assistant probably used that line on God only knows how many guys. And trust me, God does know!

I can realte to feeling dead inside when it comes to having sex. But I have to think there is hope for guys like us and this site is the best place I have found to get that hope and keep it alive.

No one can understand or relate, unless it has happened to them or someone they love. You are among friends, Armyguy.


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#174581 - 08/20/07 10:21 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: FLRich]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Armyguy:

It took a lot of courage to share your story. You have found a unique place that can offer safety in the storm that swirls in so many of our lives. The incredible thing that I have found out by developing healthy relationships here on the site, is that we can relate to each other's pain, questions, victories and failures.

Take your time, come and visit, read the posts and dive in. You won't regret it.

Regards,

Peter

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#174588 - 08/20/07 10:36 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
No matter what you're a good man who deserves to be loved and honored.
You should be proud of yourself because it takes alot of balls and courage to put yourself out there the way you did tonight.

My thoughts are with you during this rough time.

God bless you and always try and remember you are worth so much more then you can even imagine.


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#174622 - 08/21/07 06:27 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: thecoopstah]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I just want to say welcome to the site, you will find a lot of great guys here.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#174691 - 08/21/07 02:21 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Armyguy2007,

Welcome to Male Survivor, and well done - that first post is a rough one to get out. But one thing you will learn here is that this stuff was not your fault, and another is that you're not alone. Change a few of those details and you have the tune and lyrics for my song as well!

Take it easy on yourself and get used to what we have to offer here. You will find that you've got a lot of brothers who know exactly how you feel and can help you with ideas and support.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174700 - 08/21/07 02:49 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: roadrunner]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
welcome
Being retired from the army Im so very sorry, That you had to go through that in the Army. I too was a Chaplins Asst the last year I was in. How did he know what happen? well anyway welcome
hope you join us in the Chat room some.
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#174726 - 08/21/07 04:31 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: wojax]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
Wojax

He had been hooking up with the guy. Thanks for your support.


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#174758 - 08/21/07 05:52 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Armyguy2007,

I don't know if you are interested in reading on the subject, but if you think that might help you there's a new book that has just come out on sexual abuse in the American military. The title is Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America's Military, and it's by Mic Hunter, who is a very highly respected therapist and also the author of one of the best handbooks on CSA for male survivors.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174866 - 08/22/07 02:23 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
So you continued to "go to his room every night" after that. Well, why not? It's all you're good for. You're feeling worthless, so why not? Why NOT whore yourself out? The worst that can happen is that you might feel good for a few moments. So why not?

Unfortunately, when we make these decisions, we fail to see so far in the future, of what the consequences of these decisions will make in our lives. But I understand why you did it. I understand perfectly well why you let the cycle of your abuse continue. It's very easy for me to see. Been there, done that.

But what I would like you to know is that this is a very typical example of what sexual abuse does to us when we're young and vulnerable. You never really had a choice. Terrible things were done to you, and terrible decisions were made by you as a consequence. Please don't feel shame and regret for what your abusers did to you. Take heart. Hold your head up! And take comfort in knowing that you did what any typical sexual-abuse survivor does in order to cope with his pain.


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#174960 - 08/22/07 10:56 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Hauser]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
It never felt good of any moments. I just was hoping that maybe he would kill me. It also helped to have him kill me a little more each time so I could go away in my head.

Greg

_________________________
Greg
Armyguy2007

The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.

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#174969 - 08/22/07 11:20 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Well you survived,
That’s only thing that maters. Now it is time to be aware that past is past.
How to learn to love?
I wish I could show you, maybe for the beginning try to remember that love is everything about feelings and not sex.
You can sleep with anybody but if feelings are not there that’s nothing more than physical exercise.
You have to unlock feelings that you froze inside, it is ok to feel, just let it gradually come to surface.

Ivo


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#174976 - 08/22/07 11:34 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Ivo]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
Ivo

I really want to learn how to love. I can't even tell my parents that I love them. They were never part of the abuse, but for some reason I blame them for not knowing. For the sex part I do it because people give me attention that I need so badly. I do not know what i will do when the looks go away and I have to have a personality instead for just some act that i put on because I do or say what people want to see or believe.


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#175203 - 08/23/07 09:29 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany

You do not have to “act”, are you aware of it? Danger is over long time ago.
Try to be yourself ... all protective mechanisms that were good on short time are now burden. You have to get rid of it, get rid of all kind of fears and insecurities that have no meaningful purpose now.
Nothing would happen if you stop ”acting” regarding other people believes and wishes, they do not want you to act, there is no need for it and actually you do not want that any more.

Just relax and your personality would come up naturally, of course we all needed some time for this to happen...good luck.

Ivo


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#175261 - 08/23/07 11:12 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Ivo]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
Ivo

I just don't know who the real me is? Any ideas on how to find it?

_________________________
Greg
Armyguy2007

The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.

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#175612 - 08/24/07 02:41 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
It seems weird but if you could stop asking yourself that question over and over you might be very close to figure it out.

Try to stop to think about it.


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#175897 - 08/25/07 11:41 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: roadrunner]
Soul Think Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Southern California
Armyguy2007, what you did in those 464 words took a great deal of inner strength and courage. Welcome to a safe place to be on your journey with men who have been there in our own way. Just remember, that with all that you are feeling;

You, Armyguy2007, are a sacred man. Acknowledge yourself for finding malesurvivor.com and writing such a powerful post and hitting the submit button. When you don't know what to do, re-read the acknowledgments other men wrote to you. Let their words sink in and feel how much you are cared for and accepted by all of us.

Daniel

Intending inner peace for you Armyguy2007

_________________________
--------------------------------------------
Have courage...face, feel, heal...speak about what happened. It helps us heal and creates an opening for another man to have courage...to face, feel, heal...and the circle expands...

Reach for joy, settle for bliss. ;-)

Daniel

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#176511 - 08/28/07 10:06 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Ivo]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
Thank you, I will try.

_________________________
Greg
Armyguy2007

The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.

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#178325 - 09/05/07 02:09 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: roadrunner]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

I can only chime in with welcoming you, and telling you you're not alone. I was abused both as a child and as an adult, though not quite what you experienced. I can relate most to the shame. Thanks for having the courage to tell your story. I hope I can do my part to be supportive.

Ed


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#178463 - 09/05/07 07:52 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: copenbay]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hey Greg,

That was one powerful post, and it's good you got it out.

I can relate to your inability to "feel", I too suffer that left over lack of emotional connection.

It is the root of all the problems with the abuse, and my wife and my relationship. Thus the screen name emptydreamer.

You have found a fabulous place here, and healing is possible, I'm learning that myself and it is because of this place and the people here.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#179376 - 09/09/07 11:03 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: emptydreamer]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
Thank you everyone for your support and input keep it coming.

_________________________
Greg
Armyguy2007

The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.

Top
#179563 - 09/10/07 10:56 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi ArmyGuy,

I'm glad that I've had the chance to speak with you before and that, for the moment, we're only miles away.

I think it is great that you had the courage to share what you did. I could feel tears welling up as I read your post. I can relate to the fear and the shut down feelings. You touched my soul and you, along with everyone else here, share a part of my soul. It all seems kind of like a dream, doesn't it? And waking up is hard to do.

I hope that you find tons of support here. I'm in your corner, as many others are.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.


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