welcome
Being retired from the army Im so very sorry, That you had to go through that in the Army. I too was a Chaplins Asst the last year I was in. How did he know what happen? well anyway welcome
hope you join us in the Chat room some.
Gary

Wojax

He had been hooking up with the guy. Thanks for your support.

Armyguy2007,

I don't know if you are interested in reading on the subject, but if you think that might help you there's a new book that has just come out on sexual abuse in the American military. The title is Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America's Military, and it's by Mic Hunter, who is a very highly respected therapist and also the author of one of the best handbooks on CSA for male survivors.

Much love,
Larry

So you continued to "go to his room every night" after that. Well, why not? It's all you're good for. You're feeling worthless, so why not? Why NOT whore yourself out? The worst that can happen is that you might feel good for a few moments. So why not?

Unfortunately, when we make these decisions, we fail to see so far in the future, of what the consequences of these decisions will make in our lives. But I understand why you did it. I understand perfectly well why you let the cycle of your abuse continue. It's very easy for me to see. Been there, done that.

But what I would like you to know is that this is a very typical example of what sexual abuse does to us when we're young and vulnerable. You never really had a choice. Terrible things were done to you, and terrible decisions were made by you as a consequence. Please don't feel shame and regret for what your abusers did to you. Take heart. Hold your head up! And take comfort in knowing that you did what any typical sexual-abuse survivor does in order to cope with his pain.

It never felt good of any moments. I just was hoping that maybe he would kill me. It also helped to have him kill me a little more each time so I could go away in my head.

Greg

Well you survived,
That’s only thing that maters. Now it is time to be aware that past is past.
How to learn to love?
I wish I could show you, maybe for the beginning try to remember that love is everything about feelings and not sex.
You can sleep with anybody but if feelings are not there that’s nothing more than physical exercise.
You have to unlock feelings that you froze inside, it is ok to feel, just let it gradually come to surface.

Ivo

Ivo

I really want to learn how to love. I can't even tell my parents that I love them. They were never part of the abuse, but for some reason I blame them for not knowing. For the sex part I do it because people give me attention that I need so badly. I do not know what i will do when the looks go away and I have to have a personality instead for just some act that i put on because I do or say what people want to see or believe.

You do not have to “act”, are you aware of it? Danger is over long time ago.
Try to be yourself ... all protective mechanisms that were good on short time are now burden. You have to get rid of it, get rid of all kind of fears and insecurities that have no meaningful purpose now.
Nothing would happen if you stop ”acting” regarding other people believes and wishes, they do not want you to act, there is no need for it and actually you do not want that any more.

Just relax and your personality would come up naturally, of course we all needed some time for this to happen...good luck.

Ivo

Ivo

I just don't know who the real me is? Any ideas on how to find it?

It seems weird but if you could stop asking yourself that question over and over you might be very close to figure it out.

Try to stop to think about it.