I felt overwhelmed last night and I think that the prospect of not having dealt with this for yet another week was getting me down.
I had just returned home from my gf's place and the two hour drive home was filled with nothing but regret. I hated the fact that I didn't have the strength to talk to her about this on the weekend and I just wanted to be done with it.
I think I knew last night the the email idea was the wrong way to go about it. Even as I typed my first post in this tread, I felt weird about it. It felt wrong.
I realized today that I have never said the words out loud, I've never said, even just to myself, "I was sexually abused" or "I was raped". I still can't. Not out loud. It scares me and I don't know how I'll be able to say that to her.
I have tried to type exactly what I want to say to her, but it's not going well. I just can't seem to get down on paper, exactly what I want to say. What's worse, as I was trying to type some of it today, I heard a song on the television that made me stop what I was doing and I just wanted to cry. The song was "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks. Now, I'm not really a fan, but at that moment in time, the chorus of that song hit me really hard.
"Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay"
I wish tell B that those words remind me of her.