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#174250 - 08/19/07 05:51 AM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
But then, I digress..


Another sign of aging...

Sorry Andy! lol

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#174253 - 08/19/07 05:54 AM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: endlessjourney]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hey!!!!

Originally Posted By: endlessjourney
Maybe I should say "far out" or "groovy" and then maybe you'll understand LOL. Just kidding.


"Far out" - one of the coolest most flexible expressions ever!!!

Much grooving,
Larry (age 58)

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#174254 - 08/19/07 06:01 AM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Okay - back to your thread...

I think you hit on a vitally important point here. One thing that men do a lot is try to "fix" things. As soon as someone begins to talk about their problems, a man will shift gears into "fix" mode and try to think up solutions.

But sometimes that isn't what we need or want. We just need companionship and don't want to be alone with our pain and confusion. We need the other guy just to listen - to "be there" for us. If it were a face-to-face thing we would want a hug, not a repair.

It reminds me of the Book of Job, where Job has been utterly destroyed and then is visited by his three friends. They sit with him in silence for three days - they are just "there" for him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#174355 - 08/19/07 05:58 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
If it were a face-to-face thing we would want a hug, not a repair.
Wow, did THAT sentence bring up the well. Guess I want a hug more than I realized...

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
It reminds me of the Book of Job, where Job has been utterly destroyed and then is visited by his three friends. They sit with him in silence for three days - they are just "there" for him.
Except they do get into trying to "fix" Job ... clearly not listening to everything he says. Guess maybe that's a human reaction as well.

But you were right - I often don't want (or need?) a fix - I need a listening ear - a helping arm - an understanding hug or a strong shoulder.

And sometimes I just need someone to grieve with me.

M



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#174363 - 08/19/07 06:59 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: MarkK]
peer345 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 35
Loc: australia
I think by not trying to fix stuff you are accepting that who or what you are is okay even if it hurts...that is what listening can be a deep acceptance...sometimes i can even do it for myself! and not demand that I be a better person, a more improved person to be accepted. Fixing stuff up can be about stopping pain but also about trying to improve the situation ie not accepting it as it is. For me acceptance often is the only improvement I really need...can be hard to do though!!

_________________________
"Our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up." Pema Chodron

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#174376 - 08/19/07 08:07 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: peer345]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: peer345
For me acceptance often is the only improvement I really need...can be hard to do though!!

It can be hard to get as well...

M


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#174377 - 08/19/07 08:11 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: MarkK]
peer345 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 35
Loc: australia
Yes, most people don't really understand how this works...I sure didn't...it has grown, slowly, out of my therapy.

Dan

_________________________
"Our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up." Pema Chodron

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#174380 - 08/19/07 08:14 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: peer345]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
So, all i need is an answer to my earlier question: How do i tell someone i don't need fixed that without hurting people's feelings?

m


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#174385 - 08/19/07 08:25 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: MarkK]
peer345 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 35
Loc: australia
I have had long discussions with my wife, J. about this...it can be tricky because two needs are present here. Yours and the other persons.

With J what I did was I thanked her for her input and good intentions and said at this moment I don't need advice but just need for you to listen and hold me. People get anxious when you tell them hard stuff and feel inadequate, powerless. If they can listen to this request ie to do nothing or to hold you then at other times you can explain more about why this kind of listening works...anyhow that is what i did and it did work with J at least.

I am sure others will have good advice about this!!

I hope you can find this space for yourself soon!

Dan

_________________________
"Our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up." Pema Chodron

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#174386 - 08/19/07 08:28 PM Re: if it ain't broke [Re: peer345]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Thanx, Dan. i appreciate your input.

m


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