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#174299 - 08/19/07 12:28 PM Male Bravado?
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I'm so pissed off...I hear stories from the "guys"
about their dates and the women they've had...

The experiences they've had...the details of their
escapades...

I have not experienced the same things...I can only imagine...
and then get pissed off that I'm not normal...

The dates that turn to booty calls...

The black book filled with numbers...

I'm a very attractive guy...I get flirted with all the time...

Women flirt with me all the time...I enjoy it...but no
booty calls...no one night stands...no sex in the car...
no sex in the parking lot...no 'let's go back to my place'...

But that's as far as it goes...

WTF is wrong with me? Can these women 'sense' something
is wrong with me inside?

I have a GF right now who is very supporting and loving...
I do love her for who she is...

But somewhere deep down I feel something is missing,
that I've missed out...

I only dated a few girls while growing up...all ended
abruptly...even in my adult life until now, they've all
ended abruptly...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174304 - 08/19/07 12:37 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: Frog]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Frog

You are been to hard on yourself. Do not worry about the stories you hear from the "guys". Sounds to me that they are insecure if they have to boast about these things.

I cant see that there is anything wrong, i could be wrong, but you could be feeling insecure and not sure of yourself. Love is very powerful and can be very helpful.

but stop "whipping" yourself. a friend.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#174339 - 08/19/07 03:55 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: duncanUK]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
seems like the guys that constantly talk about how much they are getting?are the ones who aint getting any at all in reality

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#174369 - 08/19/07 07:13 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: Frog]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I think I understand the feeling you describe. I am very familiar with that "something inside me is damaged permanently" sort of generalized feeling.

I don't want to get carried away identifying with what you describe, but your post rang a big familiar bell in my head. I'll try to share my personal experience with this feeling and see if we are talking about the same sort of thing.

I used to feel like there was some kind of cruel power stronger than myself somewhere that made sure I was always sort of mysteriously broken or inadequate. Like fate had predetermined that I must be this way no matter what efforts I put forth to change it. Perhaps not that it was laughing at my pain, but just sort of not really concerned with it, no matter how intense. My suffering just didn't matter.

I come from a different perspective than you since I am only attracted to males, but I think the general idea is the same. I used to feel the frustration and self-loathing you describe because I just didn't feel any sexual desire for women. Whenever other guys would make crude remarks about women's bodies or about the physical act of intercourse, I would always feel very deeply humiliated because I could not relate. The feelings of inadequacy were so overwhelming that putting them into perspective and accepting them was not possible. Occasionally, some guys would try to engage me in this kind of dialog, and I would just freeze up. As an adult now I realize that it is very likely that these guys were observing my reactions (or "restraint") and then experiencing feelings of regret, shame and embarrassment. On some level they must realize that they have been conditioned by insecurity (emulating other "alpha" males) to behave that way, and that saying such disrespectful things is a sign of their inability to rely on their own true feelings.

This general feeling of inadequacy carried over into my adult relationships with males as well.

The good news is, it's completely, absolutely, 100% reversible, not to mention, it's simply not true. The key to its undoing, is to tune in to that voice in your head that is you talking to you and sort of "coaching" your general mood. Sometimes it's difficult to tune in to the actual words and phrases because they seem to happen so quickly and automatically, but that doesn't really matter when you know why it says those things.

Once you can find that voice, you can monitor what it says. This voice is responsible for the feelings you describe. It has a tendency to replay painful remarks made by someone we once looked up to and respected, without us even realizing it. When the amount of hurtful and negative ideas this voice says to you becomes too great, we start having symptoms of deeper emotional suffering. We are overwhelmed with the task of trying to maintain a happy and confident lifestyle while at the same time a seemingly unidentifiable source of negative energy is poisoning our ability to make any kind of personal progress. Eventually the negativity becomes more than we can keep up with, and it is time to start dealing with that voice.

Rather than rambling on, I'll stop here to see if I am even making any sense. I hope I have understood you and that I am on the right track with you. If not, let me know and I'll stop now! \:\)

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#174370 - 08/19/07 07:14 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: Frog]
Gabbahey Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 43
Very few people really live this life, I guess. But they get all the attention, like celebrities. And they make all the noise.

My solution: a driver's license that just reads "McLovin." Superbad!


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#174391 - 08/19/07 08:43 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: Gabbahey]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Frog:

I used to have problems with discussing similar issues when I was younger simply due to the fact that I want to get to know someone before having any kind of sexual relations. I'm not a virgin, but believe it or not, I wish I was. Every sexual encounter I have ever had was forced upon me, and not a single one of them was enjoyable.

When I mention that to my friends, they think I got some kind of huge ego for saying that. But it's true. It seems like every gal I ever like just wanted me for sex. The truly good gals, the ones who I can sit down and have a good intellectual conversation with, are either already in long term relationships or are lesbians.

My idea of the perfect woman is one who is smart and open minded. A beautiful face is more important to me than a beautiful body. Most importantly, though, I want a woman who is modest about her appearance.

This is a pretty big step for me, as I do still consider myself to be quite asexual. Maybe that's why I want a woman who values comapanionship more than sex. I want a woman who I can truly learn to love so that sex becomes a part of our relationship where we are trying to make each other happy rather than the glue that holds the relationship together.

I don't know if this helps or not, but let me just say that all of my previous relationships have also been quite disasterous.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#174556 - 08/20/07 08:10 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: BJK]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Bryan...I have exactly what you just described in my
current relationship.... WOW... word for word.... WOW

It doesn't change how I feel 'missing something'
NOT experiencing what they have experienced...

TO BE 'NORMAL'

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174616 - 08/21/07 03:08 AM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: Frog]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Frog,

Frog im a teenager so i strive to be normal....

but can you define normal? i know i can't. i went to a rock concert yesterday and their were a lot of weird people there. strange people all different styles of dress and hair and tattoos.... is that normal? to them it was.

I guess what i'm saying I know it sounds kinda Cliché but be your self make your own normal... and try and not worry about what the "other guys" think cus odds are they are full of shit anyways.

,Chris


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#175031 - 08/22/07 02:29 PM Re: Male Bravado? [Re: theatrekid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Frog,

By the time I graduated from college I bet I heard hundreds of guys talking about their "conquests" and exploits with women, and you know what? The vast majority was bullshit. How did I know? Because I was an expert as sex of every kind by the time I was 14, and because I had put it all into practice for fun and profit (read: "misery and survival") in a short stint in San Francisco when I was 20. Guys love to talk, and the loudest and most elaborate stories come from the insecure ones who probably haven't ever been with a girl. And have you ever spoken to a woman and heard what she thinks of a guy's "black book" full of phone numbers? \:D

This idea already comes out in what others have said, but I'll repeat it anyway. It doesn't matter what others have done and you don't have to compare your own life with theirs. Just try to be yourself and aim for what's good for you. I can see you have sexual aspirations and needs that remain unfilled, and okay, that's something to think about and figure out. But don't think you need to do that against anyone else's yardstick.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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