Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
betterdays (29), ChevyMan76 (46), cuda (48), swartzhund (42), wdf9 (70)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 48 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62520 Topics
438127 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#174267 - 08/19/07 08:14 AM Lost with out a compass **possible triggers**
Tridentguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 2
I come from a family of 4, my mom, my dad, my sister (whos 4 years older) and me...We had the typical disfunctional family..my mom was/is an alcholic. When I was nine I discovered a diary my dad wrote about an affair he had with a female neighbor. My mom and my sister constanly had screaming matches when I was little, mostly due to my moms alcholol problem, and when my dad was at work, I always had to be the medator between them..i was only like 10-13 at the time. Ever since I can remember I knew I liked boys, but i knew this was wrong and had to keep it a secret to myself and try to deny it. And since my sister was "the problem" child I had to be the good one..and lie about who I was. Our family moved from one city to another..at the time they said it was for my dad's job, now I think it was to save their marrige and maintain our family. At that time I was about 9 or 10, it is then that my "play time" with my dad started. For the longest time, I wondered if something was up, but then quickly denied it..but it was like last year, memories, and dreams started, reliving what we did. I dont have any "real" negative memories of playing with my dad..because I knew I also enjoyed it...It happened between us quite frequently until I must have been about 15. It would happen after my mom and sister fell asleep at night which was always early. And I remember after we were done, I would run immedaitely to the shower and sit in their and srub my whole body till I was "clean" and force my self to sleep to forget that it happened..till the next time which may have been a few days later..I distinctly remember talking to my dad late one night that I thought I was gay. He quickly told me that what we were doing was very normal, and that he and his father "played" so it was ok and that it didn't mean I was gay..but i KNEW i was gay....For a short time after that conversation, I was the one that would instagate our "play" time, and I have a feeling that my father then realized that his actions were turning me gay (even though I already was). He suddenly stoped or "play time", which weirdly upset me and made me mad at him...Over time..I forgot and grew older..till where I am today. Im 34, single, alone, no friends except my coworkers. I had relationships with guys..even thought I was in love once, but because what had happened to me with my dad, I couldnt maintain a relationship. Sex was /is only physical to me not emotional..and actually, to this day, I still feel dirty after I have sex..which has led to my failed relationships. I now find myself attracted to older men..the dad/son scene, but I dont want that, I want to be with someone I can grow with, and not be a "son" to. I dont know what to do, who to talk to, or where to go..I can say this, Im falling apart inside...and I am scared that no one can help me...I am now facing a drug problem that isnt getting better..and I dont want this life..I want a better one! So if anyone can help me, or give me advice, who I can talk to..whatever..I need it

Steve

(edited to add trigger warning in title- D2K)



Edited by Dewey2k (08/19/07 12:10 PM)

Top
#174274 - 08/19/07 09:08 AM Re: Lost with out a compass [Re: Tridentguy]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey Steve. Welcome to MS. First, I want to tell you I think you are very brave to post all this. You have been through so much pain, but none of it was your fault.

That being said, every man here can relate to the feelings you are having... Your feeling dirty when you have sex, your feelings of abandonment when your abuse stopped, your using drugs to numb your pain, and your decision to begin healing and move toward a better life.

There is no judgement here, only understanding men who can offer you their support. You can talk here. You can tell as much or as little as feels safe. This is a place of healing, and, although I am sorry you had reason to come here, I am very happy you found us.

Welcome.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#174277 - 08/19/07 09:28 AM Re: Lost with out a compass [Re: dannym]
Tridentguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 2
wow..thanks..i just want to be happy...


Top
#174302 - 08/19/07 12:33 PM Re: Lost with out a compass [Re: Tridentguy]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
And you deserve to be happy, Steve. We all do, and each day we can deal with what has happened to us moves us a step closure to that happiness.

Welcome... take it at your own pace.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#178416 - 09/05/07 04:18 PM Re: Lost with out a compass [Re: dannym]
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California
Tridentguy,

I'm new here too and am very happy to have found this place. I've been going through a lot of what you are as far as the after effects of the abuse. I don't know if others would agree, but what my therapist has done with me is to first, get me sober. He says that I can't deal with the childhood traumas unless while using drugs/alcohol... they just get in the way, and I have had to learn that they are the wrong thing to turn to as a means of medicating. He says that there are pre>

Top
#178424 - 09/05/07 04:42 PM Re: Lost with out a compass [Re: Tridentguy]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Originally Posted By: Tridentguy
wow..thanks..i just want to be happy...


WELCOME TO MS....You have a good place to find help, towards becoming happy. We are all on that journey.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.