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#174082 - 08/18/07 11:26 AM Unrealistic fear
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
My cousin came from US yesterday. He's going to work here in UK, so father invited him to stay in our house for a few months until he gets on his way.

The problem is that although there are several rooms in here my mother told him to stay in my bedroom. She's propably asked him to keep an eye on me because I screwed up with myself this week. I can't believe she did it without even asking me or letting me argue that.

I may be just making a big deal on the subject but I'm frightened with the idea of a 25 year old man sleeping in the same bedroom as me. I already have problems to sleep and this isn't going to do any better.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#174084 - 08/18/07 11:30 AM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona
I wouldn't let him in your room...NO WAY...

Sit down w/ MOM and explain to her that you are NOT
in any way shape or form COMFORTABLE w/ a grown
man sleeping in the same room with you...

You DO NOT have to give details as to why...
you just need to express to her that YOU are
not COMFORTABLE with it...

It is YOUR BOUNDRIES that she is crossing...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174103 - 08/18/07 12:47 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Yeah but there were never boundaries in this house. She just says "you're safer this way".

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174108 - 08/18/07 12:58 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Here's how to "practice" the conversation w/ MOM...

Mom I do NOT feel safe w/ a grown man sleeping in MY room...

I NEED you right now MOM, please UNDERSTAND and RESPECT
what I am SHARING w/ you...

I NEED you MOM, to help ME right now...

MOM, I DO NOT FEEL "SAFE" w/ a grown man sleeping in MY room...

Do YOU UNDERSTAND Mom?

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174116 - 08/18/07 01:08 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thanks for the help, Frog. I'll try to talk to her again. Although I know it's pretty much useless. I'm really pathetic. haha...

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174119 - 08/18/07 01:27 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

NO! You are NOT pathetic!...
You just need to PRACTICE setting boundries...
It is hard at first, it does get easier...
It is scary at first...
It will work, setting boundries is easy after
the first time...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174129 - 08/18/07 03:08 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
J:

It's not an unrealistic fear, and you are not pathetic.

About six months ago, I had the last conversation I've had with my mother when I told her she wasn't welcome to stay at my apartment any more. I live in a one bedroom apartment, and she insisted on sleeping at my place whenever she came to town. At the time, I did not know about my CSA and that she was my abuser. All I knew then is that I had panic attacks at night. I freaked out. That was the first boundary I ever set. We haven't spoken since.

I really think you need to do as best as you can to make your mom understand that you are less safe this way. I can think of a million different ways she can do things to protect you that will be much safer than allowing a 25 year old man to sleep in your bedroom. I just don't know what to say. That is just so inappropriate, it makes my stomach turn.

If you need to print out this page and show it to her, by all means do so. You need to take actions right now, for even if nothing happens, you are dealing with emotions that could potentially harm you for a long time to come. Be persistent, but be nice.

Good luck to you

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#174135 - 08/18/07 03:30 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: BJK]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I too shut my MOM down...she constantly crossed my boundries
Had too...she was an active participant in my chronic abuse
w/ her choices to leave us in situations that failed to protect
us from harm...she would party all the time totally ignoring
us...leaving us w/ strangers that harmed us in many ways...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174148 - 08/18/07 05:11 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thank you so much you guys, Bryan, Frog. My parents are hard people to deal with. Many times when they're both agreeing with each other they join against me. I'm not saying they want to hurt me intentionally, they just believe that is the best for me. And that often hurts. They know nothing about what happened to me, I don't have the guts to tell them (especially my father). What my mother knows is that sometimes I attempt to hurt myself, she saw me this week. That's why she believes that.

Go against her or dad is a hard thing to do but I need to try. This is something I definitely can't allow. I can't bear it.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174151 - 08/18/07 05:16 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

You are STRONG enough to set boundries...
It will also show some maturity on your part
in your parents eyes that you are growing...
We are here if you need us...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174152 - 08/18/07 05:20 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
J:

I just read your story, and it seems that this situation might not only be inappropriate, it might be downright dangerous.

I don't know your relationship with your parents, but you might seriously want to consider trying to at least give your mother the basics about what happened. Maybe, if you don't trust her that much, you could even ask her if she will help you find a therapist without actually divulging why you need to see one. Maybe she'll help if she understands that it has something to do with you trying to hurt yourself. If not, you might want to consider going to someone outside of the family (like a school counselor).

My thoughts are with you.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#174153 - 08/18/07 05:21 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

You DO NOT have to give them DETAILS as to WHY...
Just ask that you need this BOUNDRY...

On the other side of the coin..
you may need to reassure them that you will not harm yourself...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174154 - 08/18/07 05:22 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Sorry Bryan...we must've been posting at the same time...
didn't mean to disagree w/ your post...we just posted
at the same time and I did not see yours... \:\)

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174155 - 08/18/07 05:23 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: Frog

you may need to reassure them that you will not harm yourself...


I just thought that I'd quickly add that it may not be fair to them (or yourself) to offer this reassurance if it isn't true.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#174156 - 08/18/07 05:34 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: Frog

Sorry Bryan...we must've been posting at the same time...
didn't mean to disagree w/ your post...we just posted
at the same time and I did not see yours... \:\)


It doesn't sound like we are much in disagreement, actually. I think a good first step would be to try to establish boundaries. We are in agreement there, but I come from a home where that just wasn't possible. We never know until we try, though.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#174158 - 08/18/07 05:46 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: BJK]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

This may help...
Speak Up For Yourself, Create and Communicate Boundries
By Kimberly Fulcher
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Fulcher3.html

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174160 - 08/18/07 05:59 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona
_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174179 - 08/18/07 07:30 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
hideout Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/09/07
Posts: 84
Loc: michigan
it is really hard
but would you rather deal with being afraid all the time or set your foot down and tell THEM you wont allow it


Top
#174192 - 08/18/07 08:09 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: hideout]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
J------------------hoping alls well with you---------------------------steve


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#174327 - 08/19/07 03:19 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: sabata]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thanks for helping me, guys. As I thought at this house there is no way to set any kind of boundaries. At least not for me. My relationship with my parents is just "do as I say, don't ask why" and for that everything just goes worse when I try to confront them. My father has a very effective way to keep me where he wants me to be just as he prooved again yesterday. And I couldnt reassure my mother to sth that I know I woudnt be able to do.

This just went so wrong and in fact I couldnt sleep. I kept looking at him the whole night wondering if he would wake up at any time. Just cant live with this fear.

School only begins at September 3, so I'll have to wait until it starts again to try to ask some help. If I manage to do that. Anyway, thanks for the links, Frog and for the concern to all of you. Youre my best gift from way more than I can remember.

Julian

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174348 - 08/19/07 05:06 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I'll send up some prayers for you...

Maybe this is the time you tell your parents...

But it is up to you when and whom you share with...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
#174349 - 08/19/07 05:14 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
J:

I kind of had a feeling you were going to say that. In the brief amount I know about you, your family gives me the same feel mine had when I was your age. Boundaries just weren't allowed.

When I look back now, I realize that there was one aunt I could have talked to had my mother not done such a thorough job turning me against everyone. I talk to her a lot today.

I really think you need someone you can trust, and I also know that is a heavy burden for you right now. School is still a long ways away, but I also know what it is like to not be able to trust your parents.

My thoughts are definitely with you.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#174353 - 08/19/07 05:35 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Julian,

I missed the start of this thread and I'd just like to add a bit to the good ideas that Bryan and Frog have offered to you on how to make your fears and needs known.

It's absolutely understandable how you would feel sharing a room with an adult man after what happened to you, and one thing we learn from things like this is that we can't do all this on our own. I don't mean you because you're a teenager, but all of us. I felt totally lost until I was able to talk to people and get the support and help I needed.

I get what you mean about not being able to talk to your parents yet, but do you see that it's really important that you get help - someone who can support you in your local area? Is there anyone else you can talk to? A relative you trust? A coach? A teacher? A religious adviser?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#174527 - 08/20/07 05:26 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: roadrunner]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Yesterday night I called the samaritans here in england. Could say no word, the woman kept talking alone on the phone and I hang up. Dont know if Ill ever be able to talk to sb about this.

This is killing me, I know it. I feel my head spinning for not sleeping for two nights already and studying as if I had the best night ever. Never thought about running away from my home but know even the streets seem safer. I dozed for about ten minutes last night and woke up freaking out realizing Id slept in front of him.

He asked me if I hate him because I keep glaring at him unconsciously and I had to say yes. The mother fucker saw it all in my eyes last night. I know it.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174528 - 08/20/07 05:44 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Julian,

I am in England as well and we can talk about this tomorrow if you like. I should be in all day. Please do let me know here if this is something you would like to do.

Have you called the NSPCC hotline for abused children yet? They might be able to help you and they would have more experience in your problem than the Samaritans.

One thing I can tell you is that running isn't the answer. There is a huge danger to a teenager from predators when you run, and running makes it even more difficult to find a solution for things.

Do you have another relative you can go to until this gets sorted? I really feel for the desperate situation you are in.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#174531 - 08/20/07 06:03 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: roadrunner]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Called ChildLine now. It wasnt a long conversation but I feel much better. Thanks, Larry.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174532 - 08/20/07 06:05 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
hideout Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/09/07
Posts: 84
Loc: michigan
\:\(
i hope it works out for you man


Top
#174553 - 08/20/07 07:45 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: hideout]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Stay away from the streets...I was kicked outta the house
by my parents when I was 16...living on the streets SUCKS...
you DO what you have to, to SURVIVE...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

Top
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