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#174082 - 08/18/07 11:26 AM Unrealistic fear
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
My cousin came from US yesterday. He's going to work here in UK, so father invited him to stay in our house for a few months until he gets on his way.

The problem is that although there are several rooms in here my mother told him to stay in my bedroom. She's propably asked him to keep an eye on me because I screwed up with myself this week. I can't believe she did it without even asking me or letting me argue that.

I may be just making a big deal on the subject but I'm frightened with the idea of a 25 year old man sleeping in the same bedroom as me. I already have problems to sleep and this isn't going to do any better.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#174084 - 08/18/07 11:30 AM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona
I wouldn't let him in your room...NO WAY...

Sit down w/ MOM and explain to her that you are NOT
in any way shape or form COMFORTABLE w/ a grown
man sleeping in the same room with you...

You DO NOT have to give details as to why...
you just need to express to her that YOU are
not COMFORTABLE with it...

It is YOUR BOUNDRIES that she is crossing...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174103 - 08/18/07 12:47 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Yeah but there were never boundaries in this house. She just says "you're safer this way".

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174108 - 08/18/07 12:58 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Here's how to "practice" the conversation w/ MOM...

Mom I do NOT feel safe w/ a grown man sleeping in MY room...

I NEED you right now MOM, please UNDERSTAND and RESPECT
what I am SHARING w/ you...

I NEED you MOM, to help ME right now...

MOM, I DO NOT FEEL "SAFE" w/ a grown man sleeping in MY room...

Do YOU UNDERSTAND Mom?

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174116 - 08/18/07 01:08 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thanks for the help, Frog. I'll try to talk to her again. Although I know it's pretty much useless. I'm really pathetic. haha...

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174119 - 08/18/07 01:27 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

NO! You are NOT pathetic!...
You just need to PRACTICE setting boundries...
It is hard at first, it does get easier...
It is scary at first...
It will work, setting boundries is easy after
the first time...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174129 - 08/18/07 03:08 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
J:

It's not an unrealistic fear, and you are not pathetic.

About six months ago, I had the last conversation I've had with my mother when I told her she wasn't welcome to stay at my apartment any more. I live in a one bedroom apartment, and she insisted on sleeping at my place whenever she came to town. At the time, I did not know about my CSA and that she was my abuser. All I knew then is that I had panic attacks at night. I freaked out. That was the first boundary I ever set. We haven't spoken since.

I really think you need to do as best as you can to make your mom understand that you are less safe this way. I can think of a million different ways she can do things to protect you that will be much safer than allowing a 25 year old man to sleep in your bedroom. I just don't know what to say. That is just so inappropriate, it makes my stomach turn.

If you need to print out this page and show it to her, by all means do so. You need to take actions right now, for even if nothing happens, you are dealing with emotions that could potentially harm you for a long time to come. Be persistent, but be nice.

Good luck to you

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#174135 - 08/18/07 03:30 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: BJK]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

I too shut my MOM down...she constantly crossed my boundries
Had too...she was an active participant in my chronic abuse
w/ her choices to leave us in situations that failed to protect
us from harm...she would party all the time totally ignoring
us...leaving us w/ strangers that harmed us in many ways...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#174148 - 08/18/07 05:11 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: Frog]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thank you so much you guys, Bryan, Frog. My parents are hard people to deal with. Many times when they're both agreeing with each other they join against me. I'm not saying they want to hurt me intentionally, they just believe that is the best for me. And that often hurts. They know nothing about what happened to me, I don't have the guts to tell them (especially my father). What my mother knows is that sometimes I attempt to hurt myself, she saw me this week. That's why she believes that.

Go against her or dad is a hard thing to do but I need to try. This is something I definitely can't allow. I can't bear it.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#174151 - 08/18/07 05:16 PM Re: Unrealistic fear [Re: user2007]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

You are STRONG enough to set boundries...
It will also show some maturity on your part
in your parents eyes that you are growing...
We are here if you need us...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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