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#173807 - 08/17/07 04:31 AM is it me or the abuse?
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 86
Loc: Ohio
i need to know if i'm being silly -- as in f-ing ridiculous.

i met a guy 7 months ago. over those 6 months i grew incredibly fond of him...in fact truth be known i started to love him. i love moved to japan -- he's on the other side of the pacific in California. I'm from Missouri... I was learning to trust...taking relational risks and loving it.

i asked him to be my boyfriend the other day -- he wrote back saying he doesn't want an LDR and its not that he doesn't like me.. he said his answer would be different if there wasn't the distance.

i think this is silly - my reaction has been to not only cry, but withdrawal. its obvious i see things differently than he does. i'm getting the "one day we'll have a relationship line" -- i've done that line to people in the past and now i see why it hurts. it never happens.

maybe i'm overreacting - but i've decided any future decisions won't involve him - i'm gonna move where i'm gonna move. if he happens to be there then ok. i guess i'm a lil angry. angry at myself for allowing someone to get so close. angry and confused b/c the actions are matching up w/ the words.. and just hurt. For the first time in my life I felt loved. It was weird... I also knew I could one day have a sexual relationship with him and probably be ok minus a few bumps here or there.

i dunno what to do - i sent him an email saying i'm going to back off some so we can be more on the same plane -- right now i feel like the lone child who is odd and no1 likes. i'm also being dramatic which i hate -- am i being too hard on myself? wtf is wrong w/ me? is this really me... or is this my fear of being hurt again taking over my life?

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#173829 - 08/17/07 07:50 AM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: Nate]
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Ok, number one, your reaction is 100% understandable. I don't like to use the r word in situations like this but that's how it feels. It's ok to feel down right, in fact you need to give yourself that. Give yourself a chance to reset so to speak.

Number two, LDR's dont work so good. You end up resenting the guy or being resented, or getting cheated on, or cheating. I speak from experience on this one, it really hurts when your BF finally can't keep the secret any longer or vise versa.

Three. This is the tough part and I can't sugar coat it; much as I wish I could. Hurt and rejection are part of life, we can't keep it from happening. It's how we are going to deal with it that's the part we can control. Right now I'd say you are making a good choice by reaching out to people that can give you support. There is noting wrong with looking for a shoulder to cry on, even a virtual one is a good start.

Relationships can get complicated very fast and it's not that hard to be overwhelmed sometimes. Right now you need to take some you time and let yourself go through what you need to go through and if you want to post about how you are feeling, I (and others) would be happy to read it with sympathetic heart.

Z



Edited by brian-z (08/17/07 07:52 AM)

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#173833 - 08/17/07 08:06 AM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: Nate]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Nate,
your reaction sounds like big disappointment. Understandably so I am not sure how long you are in Japan...but try hanging in there as much as possible with keeping in touch and see how he responds. Keep some comprimise in mind and try to respect his wishes and not just seeing it from your perspective...there may be a rainbow in the end(and there may not be).

Consider it healing and growth that you trusted enough to let someone get close. If he really plans to wait from what he said "one day we'll have a relationship" Love is not all about always getting our own way and neither is life. Would you have preferred he agree to it by being dishonest? It would have been disaster. Be glad he was honest. It sounds like he respects you enough to be truthful and maybe there is potential. Without any judgment of you as a person...I think your reaction is coming from hurt and anger. If you really love him, then you'll wait and be patient, respecting of his wishes and you will keep options open. Give this a chance. The alternative is to go back to starting over and at the very worst, you could actually have found a great new friend. I hope this helps.I have more thoughts but out of time here.

Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#173838 - 08/17/07 08:22 AM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: Danbuff]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Nate,

Like was said above Long Distance Relationships don't normally work out really well and I am sorry that he is being like that. Your reaction to it is normal for us I think....it was a life lesson, one that ended in not so good of terms but at least you learned a little, ya know?

I had a similar situation and after we broke up I really retreated and found it hard to trust after it was violated. You can recover from this, as I did...but it takes time. There is nothing wrong with you Nate. You got hurt and yeah it may cause you to retreat a bit and have more issues with trusting but we must take something away...a lesson...from each experience. In this one you learned you can feel loved without strings. That is a really important lesson for us....sure it ended badly but still you now see you can be loved for you.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#173944 - 08/17/07 04:44 PM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: pain4ever]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Nate,

I'm sorry circumstances didn't allow you to explore this relationship, but you know what? I think your BF was being realistic. LDR's don't work. But don't take it personally. You've got an opportunity to keep a good friend (I know you wanted more, but hey! it doesn't always work out that way) and maybe someday there might be a chance for you two again.

I wouldn't count on it though. You shouldn't beat yourself up, and you shouldn't beat him up either. Circumstances just didn't work out for you this time. If you allow yourself the possibility, they might work out the next time, or the time after that...

There are a lot of things that go into makeing a relationship 'the right one'. Seems like you two had many of those things, but there was one thing that stands in your way. Take that, and learn from it, and move on. He's not the only fish in the sea.

I said it once before, but I want to emphasize it again; don't be bitter about it. Your friend's point of view makes sense, and he was honest about it. He gets a couple of stars in my book just for that.

Take care,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#173948 - 08/17/07 04:50 PM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: Lazarus]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
WOW, Japan, very cool, but can ask why you are in Japan?

Is there any hope or thought of you moving within a distance that wouldn't be concidered long distance? And until then mainten a friendship.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#174070 - 08/18/07 10:34 AM Re: is it me or the abuse? [Re: TNuss]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 86
Loc: Ohio
i'm teaching english -- will be here at least a year.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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