I can agree with Roadrunner, just let those feelings out. I know you've been through hell and I know none of this is easy. However, you know who you are and what you're about. I admire your bluntness. You said, "I like nightmares, and panick, and flashbacks. I love feeling ugly and unclean. I am so very comfortable with the physical scars and health damages done." I love the sarcasm because I can feel it in my bones. I do the same thing.
It's OK to be pissed. You have every right to be.
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.