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#173661 - 08/16/07 01:16 PM Many questions about changing
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I want to put this out there and welcome any feedback. Lately and usually always, I am struggling with fear of the unknown and I wonder if others ever feel this way too. I am so far successfully avoiding any situations that will be triggers for me to act out with sexual activity with other men. I am working on changing my own beliefs and perceptions about what vibes, energy, mixed messages or suggestions that could lead to acting out sexually. I basically have good control and I remain determined to try to know other men (gay or otherwise). I want to just have non sexual relationships and possible friendships or acquaintances. That is how I want things to be so I feel "normal" with less confusion.

This is a HUGE issue for me as stated in my first post here. I do not know what regular friendships are about most times. I am usually very passive and accommodating in friendships and I end up feeling used and unappreciated or taken for granted. I am learning to demand respect...but it has been at a cost. I have severed ties with those people but I sometimes am lonely for emotional connections and a social life. I want to share and converse socially but I feel as if I am in the twilight zone. I get uneasy and fearful that I am not good enough or boring. Then of course I think someone want some sort of sexual favor. That was my value label as a kid and later how I blieved the whole world operated. In truth, I am very conversational, articulate and intelligent I get the sense that others experience this anxiety and haze too... and knowing it helps me feel more normal...whatever normal is. I also seem to have lost the ability to laugh and bring levity to a situation. I am not sure why.

Having said that, my fear and anxiety is that I wonder if healthy sex will happen where I feel less like the subservient provider who meets only the sexual needs to gratify the other man. In other words, will I ever be able to have sex that does not end up where I am the submissive person who helps the other person get off? Does this struggle go away or does it remain? Do others feel this way?

In rational terms, I would tell someone else it is up to them to rewrite the>
_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#173681 - 08/16/07 02:54 PM Re: Many questions about changing [Re: Danbuff]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
I applaude you for your hard work.

Have you thought of joining a organization ie Elks, Loins, Freemasons, Rotary, ect., that would help you form friendship with men of many different back rounds but come together for a common interest. Maybe it's a hiking, nature club or a join a softball team or a theater group. Pick something that interest you and go with it.

I don't know if that's any help.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#173707 - 08/16/07 05:28 PM Re: Many questions about changing [Re: TNuss]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
T,
Thanks for your wise suggestions. I joined a gay mens group for recreation and tried to collaborate with some men to form a gay mens social group.One is floundering with no future outings posted in many weeks and the other never took off. I continue with the goal of trying to engage more in general. I am soon to do volunteer work. The problem I sometimes feel is not knowing my interests for "fun" and don't quite recognize my talents. I am committed to trying new things. I guess my main point is that I wonder if others who are survivors experience similar feelings and situations. Thanks for your post...
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#173779 - 08/16/07 11:10 PM Re: Many questions about changing [Re: Danbuff]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
When I got divorced, I moved to about 40 miles north of everything I knew. Maybe I was running from my memories and the past, but it's what I needed at that time.

Anyhow, as a teen I was a member of a youth group and once I got reacquainted with the youth as an adult leader, which to me joining the sponsoring organization. I made a few friends and ended up joining the local firehouse and meet my current wife.

I feel I rushed or allowed myself to feel pressured into being in a relationship, without exploring or allowing myself to be comfrontable with the idea of being alone. One of my biggest fears is being alone and I'm learning more and more that this relates to my abandonment issues. Also I was fearful of being true to myself about issues that I hadn't yet fully delt with.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Top
#173785 - 08/16/07 11:48 PM Re: Many questions about changing [Re: TNuss]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
T,
I have been alone most of my adult life except for a few unhealthy relationships. I am okay to be alone and sometimes it is a good thing. I just want balance. I understand that sometimes we are hasty and rush into decisions that we later question. I think it is a human characteristic to be afraid of being alone...especially as we age. But that is my opinion. It may be great for others.

You did not say how you are now but it sounds like you are working on things. I wish you well and appreciate your thoughts and sharing. I guess things are not easy for anyone and it is a big assumption to think it is easy for most people. Life is just hard I think.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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