I want to put this out there and welcome any feedback. Lately and usually always, I am struggling with fear of the unknown and I wonder if others ever feel this way too. I am so far successfully avoiding any situations that will be triggers for me to act out with sexual activity with other men. I am working on changing my own beliefs and perceptions about what vibes, energy, mixed messages or suggestions that could lead to acting out sexually. I basically have good control and I remain determined to try to know other men (gay or otherwise). I want to just have non sexual relationships and possible friendships or acquaintances. That is how I want things to be so I feel "normal" with less confusion.
This is a HUGE issue for me as stated in my first post here. I do not know what regular friendships are about most times. I am usually very passive and accommodating in friendships and I end up feeling used and unappreciated or taken for granted. I am learning to demand respect...but it has been at a cost. I have severed ties with those people but I sometimes am lonely for emotional connections and a social life. I want to share and converse socially but I feel as if I am in the twilight zone. I get uneasy and fearful that I am not good enough or boring. Then of course I think someone want some sort of sexual favor. That was my value label as a kid and later how I blieved the whole world operated. In truth, I am very conversational, articulate and intelligent I get the sense that others experience this anxiety and haze too... and knowing it helps me feel more normal...whatever normal is. I also seem to have lost the ability to laugh and bring levity to a situation. I am not sure why.
Having said that, my fear and anxiety is that I wonder if healthy sex will happen where I feel less like the subservient provider who meets only the sexual needs to gratify the other man. In other words, will I ever be able to have sex that does not end up where I am the submissive person who helps the other person get off? Does this struggle go away or does it remain? Do others feel this way?
In rational terms, I would tell someone else it is up to them to rewrite the>
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.