Even well along the recovery road, many times I am unable to talk or wonder about God. Don't know what God is, just that I am not. I've been exposed to so many traumas besides rape I thought it was natural and no one to blame. My fate.
I can't blame myself, not God, just the bastards who did it to me: Guns in the face, beaten up in subway station, rescued from a glacier in Greenland (while in navy), betrayed by friends and all that stuff. A therapist had to tell me it not natural, none of it. What I did get out of all that is to be more compassionate, especially to people here, not judge, and try to smile or keep upbeat. Rough doing it. The fact that I have a bizarre sense of humor gets me though a lot of shit.
We usually find a way of coping or dealing with bad things. Trial and error and do not keep it inside my head. One day you will realize "oh, here I am." Then take it from there. Hope I made sense. Half witted but happy.