i wanna check in with y'all. today is my last day of my 39th year of life. wow, i feel so fortunate to still be alive! sometimes i wonder why i have been blessed with so much life and others have not.
for example, the 26 italian children who died in the earthquake just recently. i ask my God: why, why are we still here and others are not? and, i tell myself we are here because it is a part of God's plan for us. and, it is enough and right. yes.
i know that the only emotions to feel at this time, the only place to be is one of humility, gratitude and respect for our many gifts and blessings. but, honestly there is a part of me that feels sad to see the decade of out thirties leave.
and, we struggle to feel that we did enough with it. we tell ourself that we must trust that we did our best and let go. holding onto the past can do us no good. be grateful for another blessed day of life and do your best to make the most of it. not someone else's best but, our best. (thanks Lord!)
the weather outside is beautiful. sunny and cool. it is a wonderful day to be alive. it truly is. we will soon go back to our apartment. do a little cleaning, bathe, then do something else.
maybe we'll listen to the game tonight on the radio. we don't have any major plans.
tomorow i, my grandfather and my sister's family will visit a local restaurant for a meal and cake in celebration of my birthday. and even though my sister and i have not been getting along well lately, we will do our very best to be humble, grateful and respectful to all present throughout the entire day.
we will do our best to not slip into self-pity and be abusive toward anyone else or ourself. we will pray for the right emotions, spirit and attitude. may our God calm us and relax us and help us be our best tomorow. yes. it is the only thing to be.
on another front, i've shared before that i have a problem with porn and masturbation. i've been keeping away from it. we have not self-medicated with it in some time.
yesterday we ran an errand and it took us right past a porn shop we used to frequent at least weekly. the exterior of the building hadn't changed. we thought about going in, paying the admission fee and getting lost in fantasy but, we didn't. we kept walking down the street. we passed by it twice.
we definitely miss porn. we miss the escape, the fantasy and we believe the numbing of painful feelings that came with our use of it. i read that yesterday in "sexual anorexia" by carnes.
the use of sex to numb painful feelings. patrick carnes wrote it is what all sex addicts do. it is why they use. it is why all addicts use, to numb painful feelings.
i believe noone ever taught us how to deal with pain as a boy. they didn't teach me how to feel various feelings. and today, on the verge of our 40th birthday, we can only wonder how many emotions are stored up somewhere inside us.
like i shared before, in the past dozen or so years we have shed tears only twice that we can remember. this is a fact we feel very sad about.
oh my, am i going down the wrong path? we need to feel up, alive, grateful, not down. we know that all feelings are real and running away from them can do no good. but, we need to be positive and feel up.
to think of all the things we can still do with that half full glass of water not the things we can't do.
yes, we choose to be positive. to make the most of this precious day. (thanks Lord! we surrender all to you. may your will be done. use us as you will.)
ok men, we are going to end this now. until next time, may we all do our very best to make the most of this precious gift called life and may our Gods help us do just that. sincerely,