Sorry, I have this big thing stucked in my throat as I say nothing. God, I have no one I can talk to and I feel I'm reaching my limit of standing without help. I just want to stay on bed without thinking. Please, I need to say that, it doesn't matter for who or where, I just need to say it. If I'm not understandable it's because my thoughts are insane. Please forgive me for that.
I turned 15 last month but it happened six months ago when I still was 14. My father owns a transnational company
and was starting to open a branch in Brazil, so he said he would move to Sao Paulo to start everything there. His dream is to make me the next company's chairman and he raised me with that purpose in mind, so he also took me to live in Sao Paulo for a couple of months. I was waiting in front of the school waiting for the car to pick me to go home. He always told me to wait inside the school, but that day I was so pissed by some things he said and done to me that I wanted to desobey. I was so stupid. I was sitting on the stairs in front of the school when a silver car with those black windows stopped in front of me. The guy sitting behind the driver opened the door to ask me for information, and I aproached. When I got near enough he pulled me into the car and started driving on speed.
There were two people inside with the driver and they put me between them, one of them with a gun pointed to my head. I didn't think "they're kidnaping me", I coudn't think at all. They stole everything that was with me, my backpack, my shoes, jacket, everything. The car stopped on a landfill and one of them pushed me to the floor. The landfills in Brazil aren't like those here in Surrey, there's nobody there you can scream for help. But even if there was I woudn't because I was paralised, I couldn't move. Those two guys did everything they wanted to me while the driver stood in the car. They hit me, and did anything they could, both of them. It hurt so much. I've never done it even with a girl but two guys just chose me between all of people to do that. I didn't fight and they still hit me as I was resisting. One of them kept saying "Voce esta gostando? Voce esta gostando?" (Are you liking that? Are you liking that?)
I couldn't say a word so they kept doing that.
When they stopped they left me there alone half naked. I didn't scream, I couldn't stand. I only could go home because there were 10 reais inside my pocket, and luckly there was nobody there. I didn't say a word to my father when he came home. I couldn't say anything to him so I just locked myself into my room until the last time I could. My father is the kind of father doesn't really care, he didn't even noticed the bruises in my face. We returned to England two weeks later but since then I freaked out. I have problems to do anything. I tried even to pretend to myself nothing happened but it doesn't help.
I know that everything happened because I didn't obey him and stay inside the school. If I had nothing would happen so it's all my fault. I should have been able to stop it somehow. My father raised me to be a strong person, to never ask help to anyone else. He did just like those spartans in 300 movie, putting their kids into the danger so that they could lear how to protect themselves. And when I was little and cried he hit me, and when I asked for help he said I was weak and that I should grow up. Imagine now, what would happen if I told him? I don't know what he'd do, would he hit me or what? But dad, I'm not a spartan, your dicipline failed on me. I'm a failure to you because I'm not strong enought to handle this alone. I struggled so much for all of these months but I freak out everytime you say you want me to work at you brazilian branch when I grow up. I don't wanna do that, and when you ask me what's up with me I hate to smile and say "nothing" because I'm afraid of what you can do.
I'm afraid those guys can find me anywhere. If they found me at Brazil, who can say that I'm safe here? I've never felt really in control of my life because you always told me what my future would be, but now I feel with no control at all. I'm scared of everything, I can't sleep, I'm afraid to go outside, I'm afraid to be alone. I have panic attacks inside my bedroom all alone because I can't trust you or mom. There are times I can't breathe, I can't stop shaking. And everytime sb says to me "are you liking it?" I totally freak out. Forgive me for screaming and crying, for not being as strong as you wanted me to be.
You've never been really my dad because all you see in me is your heir, the one who will continue with the work of your life. I've never had friends to help me with this because you made me the project of your life. You didn't raise a son, you raised an employee. That's why I've always been dragged by the world as a luggage that you don't really need. I don't hate you or mom, dad, but can't you see that I need you? Why can't you see that I'm hurting myself to preserve the image you want to keep from me? Why don't you see I cry alone? Why don't care? Because when I bleed I bleed alone. You taught me to protect myself, why didn't you protect me from those people that hurt me?
I'm no one. I feel as if I'm not a human being, I'm just a piece of thing let there to be used. What if it happens again in reality? Because it keeps happening in my dreams everytime I sleep over and over...
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"
~ John Mayer