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#173411 - 08/15/07 11:01 AM Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them?
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
Often times I seek out men to perform submissive sexual acts with (namely fellatio). I've never actually gone through with it, but it is a constant fantasy that I play out by posting on Craig's List, for example.

I don't find men physically attractive. Women always draw my attention. But there is something about a man's penis that draws my interest and fantasies.

Anyone have any similar thoughts or feelings? I was once confused about my sexuality, but now I consider myself "bi-curious", though I'm not exactly sure what that encompasses.

Thanks.


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#173414 - 08/15/07 11:10 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: treadmill_guy]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
"Labels are for cans."

One effect of abuse is the pathologizing of natural, normal curiosity and impulses. There is nothing wrong with being curious. Humans have shades of gray in their sexuality. Straight/Gay/Bi are all labels we use to approximate our attractions for the benefit of others, not for ourselves.

This isn't really answering your question, I realize, but it is my first take on your comments.


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#173421 - 08/15/07 11:55 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: Dewey2k]
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
I do agree with the labeling construct. It is not really for the individual's benefit so much.

I didn't really expect an answer so much as to how other guys feel. Trying, again, to ascertain some normalcy in my behavior/thoughts.


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#173469 - 08/15/07 03:06 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: treadmill_guy]
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I have heard that an abused boy tends to re-enact his past abuse in a way that puts him in control (i.e. fantasizing about it is in your control, you won't be hurt) and it is normal to fixate on certain body parts, because they were sexualized at an early age.

_________________________
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Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#173474 - 08/15/07 03:50 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: bp83]
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Hey treadmill_guy:

In my experience I have found those thoughts and acting out actions to be a slippery slope if you are oriented towards women, and have not completely ruled out physical contact with guys. Mutual masturbation and submissive sexual acts are the easiest ways to fire up a guy who is already curious. It has been my experience that the curiosity does not just stop there. It may lay dormant for a while after acting out, but in many cases it re-awakes at some point with a vengeance. It is my opinion that if you are at the point of putting ads and looking at ads on Craigslist, you may be further down the curious road than you might realize. I am concerned with so much time and fantasy energy invested, if the opportunity actually pokes you in the face, it will prove difficult not to act out and fulfill your fantasy. Sooner or later the opportunity will present itself. If that next step is a situation you do not wish to find yourself in one day, you will need to get help now. Many people advocate experimentation when feeling this urge, but I think it is like eating the forbidden apple, or the result of a Grizzly Bear tasting human blood. In the case of the bear, most every time the forest rangers have to kill any bear that has tasted human blood. If the ranger does not, the bear will come looking for more human blood because now the bear has a taste for it. I think that is how our souls behave when we are exposed to new hot sexual experiences or sexual situations we have fantasized about. I think experimenting with guys will make it more difficult to be monogamous with the woman you will eventually settle down with. Be smart. Proceed with caution.

TaylorWayne


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#173476 - 08/15/07 03:58 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: bp83]
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: bp83
I have heard that an abused boy tends to re-enact his past abuse in a way that puts him in control (i.e. fantasizing about it is in your control, you won't be hurt) and it is normal to fixate on certain body parts, because they were sexualized at an early age.

That seems to make sense. I've never thought about it that way before. Thanks for the insight!


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#173478 - 08/15/07 04:01 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: TaylorWayne]
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: TaylorWayne
I think experimenting with guys will make it more difficult to be monogamous with the woman you will eventually settle down with.
Thanks TaylorWayne. I already am married. And yes, my wife knows about my fantasies. Of course, she'd never have me act them out. She plays them down as normal. She doesn't know how close I've come to acting out on those impulses, though. And that's exactly how they come -- in impulses. Something I'm not aware of must trigger the fantasy.


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#173506 - 08/15/07 06:41 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Treadmill Guy,

This is advice from a gay man who was married to a woman for 22 years.

Before you mentioned that you are married, I was of the opinion that there was nothing wrong with exploring your fantasies. But now I have to agree with Taylor Wayne. You have made a choice, and in good faith thinking it was the right choice for you. Now it is my opinion that you owe it to your wife NOT to act out of this impulse.

Like you, I considered myself bisexual for many years. I told myself that not having an aversion being gay was cool and modern. I figured it was the person that I was attracted to, not just the sexual organs. Now I understand that there are two fallacies with he whole concept of bisexuality: 1. If you label yourself bisexual, nobody trusts you. Your guy friends don't trust you not to steal their girlfriends and your girlfriends don't trust you to go out and have a beer with the guys cause you might be screwing one of them instead. And 2. I've never met a man or woman who called themselves bisexual who wasn't really gay and just afraid or unwilling to admit it.

There, that's my rant on bisexuality. But you didn't say you were bisexual, just that you were bi-curious. Why not say 'gay-curious' instead, because that's what it really is. You wanna suck some dick. There's nothing wrong with that...

...Unless you are married, which you are. To your wife, going out and finding a guy to have sex with is an even worse betrayal than if you had sex with another woman; she can compete with another woman, but not with another guy. I know that sounds cliche, but think about it - it's true.

You've made a choice to marry. There aren't many things that you could do to ruin your marriage faster than sleeping with another man. I say, 'Don't Do It!" Remove your Craig's List profile. Remove all the gay links, images and porn on your computer and in your life ('cause I know it's there, isn't it?). Don't even entertain the possibility for one second. If you do, you can kiss your wife goodbye, and I hope you'll do it as quickly and painlessly (for her) as possible. She deserves a man who makes her feel special, makes fer feel attractive and loved. She deserves a man who is good for her in bed as well as in the kitchen. Once she knows you're out cruising for dick, none of that will be possible, I promise.

If this sounds harsh, I apologize. It's the truth as I see it, and I've been in your shoes. I was a model husband, but I put my wife through years of this shit, and it wasn't fair to her in any way. Don't use your CSA as an excuse to ruin your relationship with her. It doesn't have to be that way.

Best wishes,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#173608 - 08/16/07 03:13 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Lazarus]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Lazarus

Your words are harsh but I think something not only Treadmill Guy was supposed to hear.

I have to agree with a lot said. I have been married for almost 10 years and sometimes it is worth it continuing and putting my wife through hell because that is reality. Its not always easy to stay on the "straight and narrow". Its been almost 9 months since the last time I went looking for another man. Getting of all the websites and breaking all contact with the people I met there wasnt easy but it was worth it. Reality is, I still look around, I still have some fantasies but since not acting on them it has been better.

Best of luck

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#173684 - 08/16/07 03:07 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Lazarus]
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
...This is advice from a gay man who was married to a woman for 22 years...If this sounds harsh, I apologize. It's the truth as I see it, and I've been in your shoes. I was a model husband, but I put my wife through years of this shit, and it wasn't fair to her in any way. Don't use your CSA as an excuse to ruin your relationship with her. It doesn't have to be that way.

Hi Lazarus,

I appreciate your post. Yes, it was a tad harsh, but given the information I provided I can see why. But, you really haven't been in my shoes. I'm not gay. I am attracted only to women. As I said in the tail end of my post, I wonder what is triggering these episodes. Since they are sporadic in nature I can only come to the conclusion that some environmental or psychological cue precedes them.

I've never heard the acronym CSA. I had to look it up. I would never use it as an "excuse" for any behavior. That I do resent. However, looking at my behavior for clues as to *why* I may do something is only logical. In the end, I am responsible for what I do, true. That I do understand. But to pay attention to patterns, become aware of them, and do something to correct them it is not using it as an excuse.


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