i found a pic of me wen i
was a kid an i hate it i look so
stupid an ugly an i dont no
how anybody could look at
me then an not see that sumething was
up i mean i lookd at it an my
first thot was wat the fuk is
wrong w that kid
i look so, i dunno, lost an sad
and so fucking stupid. i was
thinkin of putting it here instead
of taz but i feel like vryone would
look and say omg look at that dumb
littl fucker

Trevor don't be so hard on yourself, i havent been here long but long enough to know that no one here would look at your picture and say "omg look at that dumb littl fucker"

eze for u to say
u havent seen it

Trev,

Jesse is right. No one here gets mocked for their photos. But yes, so many times we look at our own photos and we don't like what we see. That's because, as you yourself say, we know what was happening and we wonder how can it be that no one noticed?

Sometimes a photo can trouble us because it makes us remember the bad times. But in the photo itself what is there? Just a pretty cool kid who deserved LOTS better than he got.

Much love,
Larry

i hate it and i hate him and i
wish he fucking died

I felt that way a lot. One day, when I was around 15 or so, I took almost every single picture of myself out of every photo album I could find and destroyed it. Most of the pictures of myself as a kid that I have now, were given to me by relatives - I'm grateful they had some left.

I see value in him now, where I didn't see it before.

Can you talk about why you hate him? Like I said, I bet others would see a pretty cool kid in that photo.

L.

hate him cuz he caused evrything
bad to happen
hes stupid
hes ugly
hes NOTHING
an a lot of othr reasns to

I did the same thing you did for about 3 months ago. And I'm not sorry for that.

I know what you mean, Trevor. I'm new in here but this thing that happened in my life made a so deep whole inside of me that I can't stand to look at myself. The "me" I see on the mirrors or in the pictures is the same "me" that let all of that happen. The same "me" that was unable to fight. The same filthy "me".

But you're not the same little kid that was assaulted in the past. That "you" remains only in your past and not in your pictures. I know that pictures seems like they have the essence of us, but they don't. I keep saying myself the same thing everytime sb asks me to take a picture from myself. I feel ugly even though people around me says I'm not.

Keep in your mind that others don't feel the same way about our image like ourselves. I don't think anyone in here would judge you by your picture also by the fact that no one here is inside of you. Don't worry about that.

Peace,
J.

k well i gess i dont realy care that
much about wat othr ppl think or say
cuz fuck them. its more like im mad
at him. wen i look at the picture.
its hard to xplain

its not his fault any more than its yours dude, dont be ashamed,the only one that kids got is you dont let him down

ugh WHATEVER

Trevor,



Yep, I can imagine how you feel, and when I was your age I felt a lot the same way. My big thing was looking in a mirror, though. I hated seeing that guy in the mirror.

What I later learned, Trev, is that what I was doing was just believing all those bad feelings I had in my heart about myself. Eventually I learned that those feelings were all false. It's easy to be mad at the kid in the photo, for example, if you think, as you say, that he let everything happen. But did that kid have real choices? How was he supposed to make it stop? Say no? Would that have worked? Tell someone? Such as who, for example?

I know you don't see this now, and I understand why you feel as you do. But one day you will realize that when these things happened you were just an innocent kid. It wasn't your job to know how to get rid of abusers any more than it was your job to know how to drive.

Much love,
Larry

so wat was my job then?

that picture of you looks so sad and lost for a reason
now its your turn to try to tell that little boy that everything is aloright

To survive long enough to become an adult. That's all. He did his job.

Trev,



A young boy's "jobs" include things like walking the dog, taking out the trash, washing up dishes after dinner, cleaning up his room - things like that.

Boys don't have "jobs" when it comes to facing abusers and their lies, tricks and cruelty. They don't know what to do or who to talk to, and many times they don't even understand what's happening to them.

But David is right. The kid you were back then deserves a lot of respect for his courage and will to live. I think you know how many times an abused boy considers suicide. I had mine all planned out by the time I was 12. But somehow I decided to continue. So did you.

Much love,
Larry

i was too afriad to kill myself when i was younger

Trevor,

This was an interesting post. I just went and found a picture of myself when I was 8 and being abused. I used to hate that picture. My perp was also in that picture. I like the kid I see in that picture now and I see my brother "the perp" as powerless and defeated. Hm,I guess that shows I've came a long way. Perhaps, you could continue with your recovery and maybe look at that picture a couple months down the road and see if your perspective of that little boy has changed. If it is, maybe that'll tell you that things are getting better.

Trevor, another thing is that you are mad at yourself for "letting" your abuse happen to you. Young boys do not have the capability of thinking like we do. A childs mind is no match for a mind of an adult and those perps can easily manipulate young children. I wasn't physically forced and raped. I was manipulated.

When I was 5, my father died and one of my perps was his best friend. He was the closest thing I had to a father figure or so I thought. The guy took me out and did all the things with me that my father could no longer do because he was dead. Well, this guy sexually abused me and I let him do it because I was affraid I would loose his "friendship" if I didn't. That's also why I didn't tell anyone. All boys need a role model. This guy was no friend or role model but I believed it at the time because he tricked me into thinking that because I was just a young naive little boy. Can you see where I'm coming from? I had no idea how much damage he was doing to me. A child can't comprehend the effects of pain caused by sexual abuse.

You're a great person Trevor. You're brave and strong. Maybe it would help to think about why your mad at that little boy in that picture. Maybe, there's someone else from those days that you could be mad at. Just something to think about. Stay strong man!

Jason

Trevor,

IS this why you have the Tasmanian Devil (aka 'Tazzie') as your logo/avatar? Growl, spit, bite among other things are what they do, but that's not you. Not I the guy I've met here. Even if you did do all the above, so what? You gotta get pissed and let it out. I know you can do that because you already have. Keep it up!

froggy

Trevor,

Your post is so powerful, dude. I don't know if I'm going to say the right thing here, but I'm going to try.

I found a picture of myself when I was four about three weeks ago. It consumed me. I lost a half a day to the agony the picture filled me with. I didn't know the emotion at the time. In fact, until I read your post, I still didn't know why I felt so much pain looking at my picture.

I made a half dozen copies of that picture, and I put them in the places I frequent the most. One is at my desk at work, one is in my car. One is taped beside the computer monitor I'm working at now. I really didn't know why I did it at the time. I just felt it was important.

After reading this post, I think a lot of it makes sense. I'm looking at this smiling little kid who looks like not a thing is wrong in the entire world, and the only thing I can think right now is, "why don't you fucking do something!!!!"

I was four years old, dude. I couldn't do anything. I was fucking four.

That pic is now my avatar. I ask you, what do you see when you look at him? Do you see a worthless little kid who is worthy of my wrath? Do you see someone who looks like he is capable of standing up to the abuse that is coming from the only person in his life that he truly loves?

Thank you for your post, Tevor.

Bryan

Trevor, Bryan;

I'm with you guys. This thread has had a powerful, positive impact on me. Thanks for being here!

Lazarus

thats kinda wat bothers me.
wen i look at my pic i can see theres
something wrong its so fucking obvius
i dont undrstand why anybody who knew
me back then didnt notice an it makes
me feel like maybe theydid notice but
they just didnt give a shit. so its not
just me saying why didnt u fucking do
something its me wondring why nobody did
anything. nobody even askd. no ur picture
dont look like a kid whos worthless he just
looks like a regulr kid that should a been
treated rite.

ya i get wat ur saying.
like at first erik (stepbrother) the fat ugly
prick that he is, was my hero. like he was
oldr and him an his frends were all realy cool
to me cuz they could do shit that i couldnt do
so like i would do anything for him so i could
hang w them and be included in things

The little kid in my picture looks like there is nothing wrong, but when I look at him, I see nothing but pain.

ya i get that

when i look at the few pics i have of me as a kid ,the first thing i think is how did that kid grow up to be me? he looks ok but what the fuck? i cant put the two together that kid could not have ever been me! second is i start to get pissed off ,thinking how?how the fuck could anybody hurt that little kid? then i go to why ?why that kid why not somebody else ? i think the pics create lots of questions that dont have answers .

Funny to look at pictures sometimes...I can see it in my face...what happenned...if I wasnt aware that my picture was being taken. If i knew it was being taken I looked perfectly normal.

trevor, i struggle with the same question you have about "why didn't someone notice the change in me and take SOME action?" - i don't even look at pictures of me after the abuse happened - i only like to look at the ones before- although that sometimes makes me even sadder, case i WAS so happy before it started. my avatar is from before it started.
i understand what you're going through, you are in my prayers.

i sometimes dont know how any of you survived. im not sure how i did, but i'm here. my pic? like someone else. i dont know him.
as they years get older, i get more familliar...until 29. then it all goes backwards again. i see pics of me now and go... who the f***? it's only from 23-29 that i know who i am. before and after i become so estranged it's... baffling. jeff/jb/beach

Very powerful thread guys, I can relate very well.

I look at the few remaining photos of me as a boy, and I get so angry that no one could notice that something was wrong.

Times I feel like you Trevor, that someone, anyone should have noticed.

Hell, the best one I could find is my avatar. I just won first place in a slot car race, yeah, first place, do I look like a kid who just got first place? It really pisses me off, every time I even think about it.

I've quit looking at the album, it really does not help with my recovery right now, maybe later it will, but for now, I just leave it alone.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

But Trev, I think that if any of us were to look at your picture, we would say the same thing. We would see yet another kid, like all the rest of us, who should have been well treated. You were - and are! - just as worthwhile and special as all the rest of us.

Much love,
Larry

Trev,

Quoting you again:



Do you understand that there was nothing wrong in you acting like this? Any young boy would want to be included in things by his big brother! That's the kind of thing that a little brother needs; he dreams of that! And at the same time, he is too young to understand that it's not okay to do certain things in order to be included. It's the big brother's job to keep him safe!

Much love,
Larry

k fine heres the stupid ugly little
mothrfuckr now. t shirt should say
"take a numbr"
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him

i hate him so bad
it makes me so sik
they should have
fuckin killd him
fuck

Trev,

Have a look at the thread I just bumped up out of the archive. I'm thinking maybe you didn't see this one. If not, have a look through it if you will.

Much love,
Larry

i saw it

looks like a regular kid to me trevor

ru kidding me?
it makes me sick!

trevor,
you know, i don't think we have talked before...but i have read a lot of your posts...i love your sense of humor man.

this particular thread has gotten my interest cause i have always struggled with my self image too. some of that comes from thinking we ALLOWED ourselves to be abused...but you HAVE to understand, it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

i see your picture and i see a boy that was thrown away and is deeply hurt by it...he needs your love and acceptance....you are all he has...don't throw him away again.

i hope i'm not being too forward...my heart is just broken for you.

ur not being 2 forwrd
i get wat ur saying
an thnx for saying it

you bet...you ARE worth it!

Trev,



You know why you feel that way and we don't? You see that pic and you think of all the bad feelings about being you that abuse has given you. But all those feelings are false and wrong.

We don't have all those feelings blocking our view and confusing things for us. We just see Trev as he was - just another regular and pretty cool kid.

Much love,
Larry

I look at my pictures and think I look like a little girl.
afro-y, blonde, curly hair, big puffy cheeks. I look at my pictures now and think everybody still hates me, ignores me, can't even get an answer for help here...

Trevor,

Your thread inspired me to write this:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=173582&page=1#Post173582

This little boy you see in your picture...he grew up to be you.

I don't know if I feel exactly the same way you do, but your words hit me hard. I'd say I owe both you and the boy in your picture a lot just for starting this thread.

Bryan

I hate to be a negative nelly, here, because I tend to be a pretty positive and upbeat person, but I don't like the pictures of me as a child either.

I tried a picture of me as an adult with my face half-covered, but had some really mixed and overwhelming feelings about that, too. I just chose to not have any pictures of me. I guess that if I could find an avatar of what a jerk looks like, or maybe a question mark, that might fit me. Otherwise, I don't need one.

I have thought a lot about this and I'm glad that you started this thread Trevor.

The only depictions of myself that I can tolerate are those where I am either performing, or back in my drinking days. I guess what that is telling me is that I like myself better when I am someone else.

I am glad that you did have the nerve enough to post your picture and to talk about it. I guess that's telling me that you want to get comfortable with yourself. I really hope that you succeed. I think you've helped us along the way.

God bless,
John, The Music Man

The one thing I can say Trevor, is that, no matter what... You are a strong person and You'll get through this. It's frustrating but it's important to keep trying. The truth will come soon enough. We can't expect to have all of the answers we need at once. Sometimes, true revelation takes time. We all want the answers to our questions right now but it's important to know that nature will take it's course and we will learn everything we need to know in due time. Frustrating, yes, that's just how things work. You'll get it. You're on the right track. I would recommend to keep doing what you're doing. You rock kid!
I see you fighting for what you believe in. I admire that!

Much love,
Jason