Trevor,

Your post is so powerful, dude. I don't know if I'm going to say the right thing here, but I'm going to try.

I found a picture of myself when I was four about three weeks ago. It consumed me. I lost a half a day to the agony the picture filled me with. I didn't know the emotion at the time. In fact, until I read your post, I still didn't know why I felt so much pain looking at my picture.

I made a half dozen copies of that picture, and I put them in the places I frequent the most. One is at my desk at work, one is in my car. One is taped beside the computer monitor I'm working at now. I really didn't know why I did it at the time. I just felt it was important.

After reading this post, I think a lot of it makes sense. I'm looking at this smiling little kid who looks like not a thing is wrong in the entire world, and the only thing I can think right now is, "why don't you fucking do something!!!!"

I was four years old, dude. I couldn't do anything. I was fucking four.

That pic is now my avatar. I ask you, what do you see when you look at him? Do you see a worthless little kid who is worthy of my wrath? Do you see someone who looks like he is capable of standing up to the abuse that is coming from the only person in his life that he truly loves?

Thank you for your post, Tevor.

Bryan

Trevor, Bryan;

I'm with you guys. This thread has had a powerful, positive impact on me. Thanks for being here!

Lazarus

thats kinda wat bothers me.
wen i look at my pic i can see theres
something wrong its so fucking obvius
i dont undrstand why anybody who knew
me back then didnt notice an it makes
me feel like maybe theydid notice but
they just didnt give a shit. so its not
just me saying why didnt u fucking do
something its me wondring why nobody did
anything. nobody even askd. no ur picture
dont look like a kid whos worthless he just
looks like a regulr kid that should a been
treated rite.

ya i get wat ur saying.
like at first erik (stepbrother) the fat ugly
prick that he is, was my hero. like he was
oldr and him an his frends were all realy cool
to me cuz they could do shit that i couldnt do
so like i would do anything for him so i could
hang w them and be included in things

The little kid in my picture looks like there is nothing wrong, but when I look at him, I see nothing but pain.

ya i get that

when i look at the few pics i have of me as a kid ,the first thing i think is how did that kid grow up to be me? he looks ok but what the fuck? i cant put the two together that kid could not have ever been me! second is i start to get pissed off ,thinking how?how the fuck could anybody hurt that little kid? then i go to why ?why that kid why not somebody else ? i think the pics create lots of questions that dont have answers .

Funny to look at pictures sometimes...I can see it in my face...what happenned...if I wasnt aware that my picture was being taken. If i knew it was being taken I looked perfectly normal.

trevor, i struggle with the same question you have about "why didn't someone notice the change in me and take SOME action?" - i don't even look at pictures of me after the abuse happened - i only like to look at the ones before- although that sometimes makes me even sadder, case i WAS so happy before it started. my avatar is from before it started.
i understand what you're going through, you are in my prayers.

i sometimes dont know how any of you survived. im not sure how i did, but i'm here. my pic? like someone else. i dont know him.
as they years get older, i get more familliar...until 29. then it all goes backwards again. i see pics of me now and go... who the f***? it's only from 23-29 that i know who i am. before and after i become so estranged it's... baffling. jeff/jb/beach