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#173262 - 08/14/07 06:09 PM fighting my negativity...
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I've been reading a lot of information on here during the past couple of weeks but I haven't posted anything because all I the things I had to say were negative.

Every time I felt like responding to someone else's post, I'd talk myself out of it because I felt like I was intruding and I didn't feel like my opinion would add anything to the conversation.

Every time I felt like starting a new thread, I would talk myself out of it because I didn't feel like I should force this on you guys.

I feel like I am constantly fighting battles internally between my emotions and my intellect. Unfortunately, the emotions seem to win most of the time.

I am my own worst enemy right now...every thought, every decision, every action is tainted by my negative emotions.


I need to write this.
I need to get this out.
I need to stop feeling so negatively about myself.
I need to keep telling myself that it's Ok to have a voice.
I'm hoping that the more bad I let out, the more good I can let in.


OK, that's all I've got for now...thanks for letting me rant,

Scott


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#173272 - 08/14/07 06:40 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BruisedSpirit]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thank you for sharing.

I've talked myself out of several posts on this board. The first post I ever made was one I typed out probably a dozen times before finally having the guts to hit the "submit" button. I'm so glad I did.

Rant away.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#173283 - 08/14/07 07:43 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BJK]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I think that I've put this thread in the wrong forum...does anybody know where the "don't bother reading this worthless crap" forum is located?

I apologize for wasting everyone's time.


Scott


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#173286 - 08/14/07 07:56 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BJK]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott - many people think that their words will be meaningless here. What we never know when we post, is that sometimes we are the key, that opens up the door to someone else healing.

I've been here since Dec 31st 2003, and remember how I first hovered, reading what others said. Being amazed that there was a place like this where people could say how they felt. Being amazed that many felt as I did. Being amazed at the support that is offered (and gladly received).

I remember taking my first step and making a post. I remember thinking that no one would answer, and that no one would really care. How wrong I was - many people answered. They gave me strength.

I then took it to the police & then to court, achieving a conviction in March of 2006. When I went to court, I carried a list of names in my inside pocket (next to my heart) of the people that had helped me here until that time (there may be others, and there have been others since).

Take a look - these are all people that showed they cared about me - I appreciated their support so much (I've removed names of people in my everyday life):

Russia:
Andrei / Visha / Leshka
Germany:
Roadrunner (Larry)- now UK as if you didn't know!
USA:
Dewey 2K / Bisulatino / Muldoon (Tom) / Hauser / Zipser / Walking South (John) / Shadowkid (Adam) / No Love in Fear (Andrew) / JT5254 / Derdle Car (Darrel) / Dan 88 / Roland (Curtis St John)/ JRO (Jason) / Lost Cowboy / Forever Fighting (Michael) / Bobby / Kenf (Ken) / Scotty Todd (Howard) / Jasper 50 (Jasper) / Healing Inside / Glen / FL Rich / Logan / Andrew 76 / Dude / Ken (unknown soldier / George of Kent / Jerry (Jerryslan /
UK:
Reality 2k (Ste) / Rustam (Peter) / Kirk Wayne / Lloydy (Dave) / Little E
Mexico:
Carlos
Donít know location!!!
Bill 123 / PJN / Andrew / Morning Star / Authentic Me / Devon 2 be free / Sinking (John) / Ivanhoe (David) / Sophieís dad / Sabooka (Jonathon) / Partimecop / Vegababy / Jacobtk /

Australia:
Grunty 1967b

Japan:
Japan Zen (I nearly bought your book today, but it freaked me out reading the cover - I'll try again next time).

Canada:
Pat / Mike Church (Mikey) /

Dead (site and mostly in my own life).
Jake (Mate Akicita) / Kevin / Phil (no longer forgotten) / Joyce / Eric 1 / Bob / Hannah / Arthur / Nellie / Mabel / Charlie / Ronald / Muriel / Ralph / Tony / Dave G / Keith

Lost(childhood friends):
Ian R (same age within minutes) / Stuart L / Joan B / Barbara O /

Others:
Paul S (No. 2 ) / No 3 / plus all of the lost boys!

Andrew Jess (Andrew), Angry_Youth_86_Keith, B12, Bill_1965 (Bill), Brayton, Crisis Point (Scot), Green (Harry), Irish Kipley (KIP), Kurt, Leosha, Lloydy (Dave), Michael ID, Mike Church (Mikey - forget the calendar), Outis (Joe), Phoster, Printer 57, Roland, Scarman, Stephen_5 (Steve), Texas Mike (Mike), The Calendar, The Dean (Bob), Thomas (Tom). Lupin 3/ Biz /

Missing Myself / Happenstance / Diz / The Coopstah / FL Rich / Sar / Donald DíHaene / Scarman / Xenoman / Tom Perry.

It's a long list, so many have moved on with their lives since then, others have gone on to a UK based support group.

For me, this is a place I can call home, no matter where I am!

Best wishes ...Rik

I need to write this.
I need to get this out.
I need to stop feeling so negatively about myself.
I need to keep telling myself that it's Ok to have a voice.
I'm hoping that the more bad I let out, the more good I can let in!

Everyone of those people I have listed would support you in what you state in those 5 lines! So would those I have not listed!

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#173297 - 08/14/07 08:34 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: RICK57]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Bryan & Rik,

Today has been a bad day, thank-you both for the support.



Scott


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#173300 - 08/14/07 08:38 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BruisedSpirit]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I don't think it's worthless crap. I read what you posted, and I can relate. I'm sure many others can as well.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#173305 - 08/14/07 08:49 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BJK]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott - someday you'll have your own list! It's not a bad idea to start writing those names down now. Some of us won't be here all the time (I only come here now and gain, whereas in the early days I needed to be here all the time), but there is always someone here with support. As you spend more time here, I promise you that you will be the one doing the supporting - remember I said that, even if you don't believe it now. One day you will believe it. That's how it's been for so many of us here.

Say what you need to say here - it's your choice. We listen & do not judge!

Best wishes again ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#173334 - 08/14/07 10:41 PM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BruisedSpirit]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: BruisedSpirit
I think that I've put this thread in the wrong forum...does anybody know where the "don't bother reading this worthless crap" forum is located?

I apologize for wasting everyone's time.


Scott



Sorry guys. I guess I should have put this in the "succumbing to my negativity" thread.

Thanks again for the support


Scott


Top
#173388 - 08/15/07 08:31 AM Re: fighting my negativity... [Re: BruisedSpirit]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

We have been through so many years interpreting everything that happens in front of us in terms of our own negativity that it's just one HELL of a task to break free from that.

There are of course all the intellectual and rational arguments to think of, but hey, I think what we all need is the real proof of the pudding.

That's where a comment you made seems to be especially important:

Originally Posted By: BruisedSpirit
I need to keep telling myself that it's Ok to have a voice.
I'm hoping that the more bad I let out, the more good I can let in.


That's exactly it. It IS okay to have a voice - just claim it and see what reactions you get! And yes, the more bad you let out, the more you will hear that this had is crap from abuse and not Bad Scott.

Believe it or not, I used to be rather timid around here and didn't post much. I was too scared! I thought I had nothing to say. I thought no one would reply to me and I would just get the proof for how bad I felt about being me!

Now it IS important never to gauge the worth of what you have said by the number of replies you get. I have posted topics that I thought were really very important, but they absolutely fizzled! lol Then some senseless joking thing would take off and go to almost 100 replies. You just never know.

But the important thing is that overall you will see that it's a great thing to reclaim your voice and to talk about how you feel. If what you feel is negative, okay. Talk about it and let's see what ideas you get. The important thing for you to see is that you are accepted and appreciated here just as you are.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#445228 - 08/23/13 04:57 AM meganegativity [Re: BruisedSpirit]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3044
Loc: O Kanada
dear bruised spirit,

your words have meaning!
never doubt that.

when i feel negative,
i don't want to visit that on the innocent people in my life.
i don't want anyone to even know that i am negative,
because it embarrasses me.

i end up writing it all down, with pen, on paper, in a private book which i do not share with anyone else,
unless or until i am ready.

TRIGGER WARNING
GRAPHIC IMAGES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YusSQHAzFw

here is one of the poems from that book,
i was reminded of it after i read your post.
i wrote this a loooooong time ago.
i will share it with you, so you know you are not alone.
these feelings will diminish.
they will disappear.
i do not feel them anymore.
i wish the same for you.


meganegativity
good is evil - truth is libel - love's a cripple
life is brutal - death is gentle - just a ripple
fear is healthy - sex is deadly - love is silly
war is money - death is sexy - truth is dirty
meganegativity
fear is order - life is murder - death is better
love is torture - hate is power - pain is master
truth is madness - love is weakness - sex is dangerous
life is worthless - war is business - there's no justice
meganegativity
man is guilty - guilt is holy - god is heavy
love is phony - life is ugly - death is mercy
good is wasted - love is hated - overrated
faith is stupid - death is perfect - we deserve it !
meganegativity
truth is rotten - love's forgotten - pain is routine
life means nothing - death is freedom - there's no heaven
sin is habit - crime is profit - man is wicked
there's no limit - there's no exit - it's infinite
meganegativity



time will heal all wounds.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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