Newest Members
ShinTensei, jaklumen, Bennett, 0128, jeremywickers
12505 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Drea (31), gpdno (47), serb guy (49), Thomas8221 (60), UncleClover (43)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12505 Members
74 Forums
64194 Topics
447978 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#172829 - 08/12/07 02:37 PM Positive feelings towards abuser?
Lantern Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 55
Loc: UK
I had always kind of assumed that I simply hated my abuser but one of the things that came up in therapy was that I feel warmly towards him, like if I imagine him being in the room then I imagine being physically close to him (usually sexually) and I feel contented and... looked after.

I'm guessing that I somehow need to work this through but because I think I felt fairly unloved as a child, and he was the first person I remember being physically affectionate to me (even though it was sexual), it's almost like he took care of me and "noticed" me when I needed it but not physical affection seems all wrong to me. I know there are feelings of anger too but I get the impression I'll need to understand this first.

Is this something anyone else has felt?

_________________________
It's not what you've lost, but it's what you've found

Top
#172833 - 08/12/07 02:55 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: Lantern]
hideout Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/09/07
Posts: 84
Loc: michigan
yes, i have
it is not love, but more of a feeling of need for me.
he was the only one i was ever really connected to before the age of 14


Top
#172853 - 08/12/07 05:20 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: hideout]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lantern, Hideout,

Any boy needs to feel important, special and loved. It's a deep yearning we all have when we are young; it's what gives us a sense of purpose and belonging.

The tragedy is that if the boy doesn't get that feeling from safe and reliable sources, then he will seek it from wherever he thinks he can get it, even from those whose only interest in him is sexual and predatory.

So many of us remember with guilt and shame how we connected with predators in this way, but this was NEVER our fault. We were simply seeking what was our right to have from the beginning.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#172864 - 08/12/07 07:42 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: roadrunner]
peer345 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 35
Loc: australia
I so understand this. It was a real sticking point in my therapy. A dilemma for me was not wanting to lose the good feelings of of 'being loved and cared for' as I had so few of these experiences in my life and I needed what i could get! I came to a point though where I could respect those feelings and value them for themselves and in myself but not him. It is still hard to describe in way that makes sense; it functions more as a felt sense in me.

I really appreciate what you are going through...it is hard.

Dan

_________________________
"Our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up." Pema Chodron

Top
#172884 - 08/12/07 10:02 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: peer345]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
This is an important topic for me as well.

My therapist says that victims/survivors who are "groomed" oftentimes have to deal with the effects of the grooming that came before/during/after the abuse before they can truly come to terms with the idea that they should feel anger towards the abuser. That's a tough one for me. My mother is the only person in my life I have ever truly loved. That is simply a characteristic my mother instilled within me. Before I can get past that, I need to understand that she did it on purpose.

It's all about control, and having positive feelings towards our abusers is just another way that they still control us.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#172928 - 08/13/07 08:18 AM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: BJK]
Lantern Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 55
Loc: UK
Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm having a fucking tough day but I'm trying, I'm trying really hard.

Peer343 I know what you mean when you say "A dilemma for me was not wanting to lose the good feelings of of 'being loved and cared for' as I had so few of these experiences in my life and I needed what i could get"

All I can feel right now is angry and alone but hey what's new? That's what life is, it seems.

_________________________
It's not what you've lost, but it's what you've found

Top
#172966 - 08/13/07 10:46 AM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: Lantern]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lantern,

I wonder if it will help you to bear in mind that what an abused boy gets in childhood doesn't reflect what he deserves or what he's worth. As we recover we begin to see that, and we also begin to see ways we can regain that sense of being worthwhile and lovable. We are now and we always have been worthwhile and lovable; sometimes it's just difficult to dare to acknowledge that when our past tells us those things can be ours only for a terrible price.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#173299 - 08/14/07 08:38 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: roadrunner]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
I used to have positive feelings towards the pervert that abused me. He took over from my Grandfathers/Uncles in the way that he first reacted towards me after I moved town. That was before he abused me (he was obviously already grooming me at that point).

I now have very positive feelings about what I would like to happen to him....that would not be very positive to him!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#173342 - 08/14/07 11:45 PM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: RICK57]
zen-boy Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 35
When a survivor is far enough along in his recover process, I believe it is possible for him to have compassion for his abusers. I know that from my own experiences, though I understand that each of us is a bit different and must honor his own way of being. (I am deliberately avoiding using the word "love" because that is such a complicated word in our culture and it may suggest feelings that I do not have. "Compassion" is narrower and more precise here.)

Nearly 21 years after formally beginning the recovery process (by entering therapy in 1986), I can see that my abusers, both people outside my family, were tormented, tortured individuals who were in a lot of pain. Of course, that doesn't excuse what they did to me, but being compassionate toward them and wishing that they be free from suffering is not in any way an impediment to my own recovery.

Let me be very clear, though. I do not have any contact with the abusers now, nor do I want to. That kind of interaction, even if it were possible, would be toxic to me and I won't do anything that would harm me.

Of course, I have gone through huge amounts of anger and murderous rage, too, in order to get to a point where I can be forgiving and compassionate. I hope I will stay at this place, or at least not regress from it, because holding on to rage and anger was destroying me.

I can speak for no one else. I know my own experience. This is where I am. It seems to be working for me.

However, guys, please always stay safe and take good care of yourselves first. You deserve it!


Top
#173368 - 08/15/07 05:20 AM Re: Positive feelings towards abuser? [Re: zen-boy]
peer345 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 35
Loc: australia
I had the weirdest experience that is I hope relevant to the discussion. I was watching tv, one of my addictive behaviours(!) when on a news show that was interviewing people on the street stopped and interviewed my perp.! I couldn't believe it. It stung me seeing him on the tv in my living room posing as a normal person on the street. I then had that impossibly bitter sweet feeling. I both hated him and loved him at what felt like the same time.

He gave me what felt like love to me and still does and then destroyed me big time. I know I am split on this but somehow it feels right; this split respects both my feelings because they were both right and are both irreconcilable. I don't know that he really felt loving towards me but I do know I felt loved in myself and that I can work with and have built on. I also know he hurt me so I will never ever have willing contact with him again but those few moments experienced as loving opened my heart. It didn't of course stay open but from my perspective now, I can see that it did.

Oh well...whatever!!

all the best

Dan

_________________________
"Our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up." Pema Chodron

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.