I took a long break from writing today I went to home depot with dad and picked up supplies for my painting project that I am starting tomorrow.. However this morning the thoughts returned that flow that I cant seem to stop lately and so I wrote more... since I started writing I have felt rather separate from the whole ordeal and in fact I was surprised it was going so smoothly... tonight was different I finished the last part of this section went to my bed curled up and started to cry... and I hate crying...
This new level of mommy and Iís relationship continued happening on many frequent nights. My mind would be spinning I didnít understand these feelings on the inside of the physical feelings she had shown me. During the moment scaring at that crack of light I would be terrified and other times I was a calm shell letting it play out with little to no emotion at all. I started to wonder to myself if it was like this for other boys was this going to be my new normal and should I see this as just every day typical touch? Like a scale in my head I weighed the feelings always leaning towards the feeling of specialty that mommy gave usÖ this must be ok its because Iím finally been a good boy that mommy is showing me her love. As I thought of the idea that mommy could love me again the feelings of confusion faded away and for the first time in awhile I smiled she got meÖ I was hers now and I would never question it for a very long time.
For the next few weeks this evening ritual seemed to repeat and as I started to expect it some of my fears surrounding the hand faded to at least until one night in particular a whole new world of confusion opened up to me. The setup was the same I had just gone to sleep and closed my eyes maybe an hour earlier when I awoke to the hand over my private part my first reaction was a smile as a re arranged my head in my pillow and relaxed to take on this new attention mommy gave me. My body felt funny tonight it started off with a tingle in my fingers and spreading all over my body. I felt warm and then hot as I could feel sweat form on my forehead. I started to breath harder as a sound came escaped my lips id never made before I started to squirm and fidget I couldnít lay still as I usually had in the past when I would just let this happen my hips pushed closer to the hand on my private part as more of these odd sounds escaped from me. Just then I felt this urge like when I have to go the bathroom really bad I tried to get up I didnít want to wet the bed with mommy there she wouldnít love me anymore she would hit me again the voice inside me screamed out trying to escape to the bathroom. Mommy must have sensed I was fighting to get away but instead she leaned over more and put her other arm around my chest holding me in my bed. It was all over so fast I clenched my as I closed my eyes. The next moment I slowly opened my eyes as my muscles relaxed I felt her hand slip out of my pjs the snap of the elastic and then this warm moist sensation. She patted my tummy and I heard that familiar whisper in my ear ďGood boy, I am very proud of you.Ē I was scared confused worried embarrassed ashamed how could I do that did she notice I wet the bed with her thereÖ didnít I? As she got up from my bed I curled up into a tight ball pretending I stayed asleep through all of this. I tried so hard but I couldnít slow down my breathing my heart felt like it would explode out my chest my head was racing as the world around me started to spin as the world blacked out around me the voice at the door softly saying ďIíll talk to you tomorrow get some sleepy my big guyĒ Then nothing.
I shot up from my bed the next day and rushed to the bathroom I had felt my bed it was dry not like the other times I wet the bed it should be soaked. I still had that damp feeling in my PJís I had to investigate. As I ran inside the bathroom I quickly shut the door behind me. Quickly I pulled down my Pjs and propped them up on the counter the first thing I noticed was this smell different again from when I wet the bedÖ everything was different what was wrong with me what happened my head still racing I continued my investigation get brave enough to touch the small damp area in my pants it had a sticky feeling and slippery between my fingers. I thought back to the night before like re tracing my steps I wanted to understand I wanted this fear of the unknown to be gone. I remembered the moment when I clenched my eyes this good feeling I couldnít really explain.. I thought about the hand what was it doing how did it make my body do this. It held my private part with its two fingers it moved them up and down was that it? Was that the secret? As I thought about these things this strange feeling came over my body. I had felt this way before yes of course last night the tingle it happened last night. I sat down on the bathroom floor it was cold in the morning so I quickly stood up again and grabbed my pjs to sit on top of. I looked down at my private part something I had never done before I mean the only real attention I gave to it was when I had to go pee. It was different this time sticking out from my body a bit.. This was all so weird and yet I was curious I wanted to feel what I had felt the night before again I stood up on my knees placing my hand over my private part I copied what I remember the hand doing after awhile the feelings fell into place the funny sound the tingle going over my body the sweat formingÖ I had to get to the end that moment I clenched my eyes what happened I couldnít remember anymore from the night. The next moment it happened for the first time to what I would later learn from mommy was called masturbation and the end was an orgasm. I clenched my face as this a little of this whitish liquid came out.. As I looked down and started to relax again I started to cry. What was happening to me? I started to wonder if I liked being a special boy anymore and I felt ashamed at what I had doneÖ Is this what an angel would do?
The next day I didnít say a word I didnít lift my head up I just watched the ground I didnít want anyone to look inside me and know what I had done. I felt like an empty shell in the world, I couldnít imagine being an angel I had lost innocents and I was alone. I was so sad I wanted all these feelings to go away I sat through school that day although I donít remember anything that was talked about I was lost in my head as I sat at my desk replaying the previous night again and again. Mrs Dixon asked how I was doing I just looked down and mumbled ďIím fine thank you for asking Mrs. Dixon.Ē
When I got home that afternoon the house was empty I guess my brother hadnít come home from school yet and mom was off on errands. Thatís when the anger started.. Thatís it I said to myself I donít want to remember anymore I wanted the thoughts to go away I wanted to escape this sadness I felt this shame I had put on myself for what? For being curious! I ran in my room and started just throwing whatever was in front of me I sat on my knees and started punching my pillow over and over again it wasnít working I was madder then ever! I layed back on the floor and screamed at the ceiling. I had to escape I had to get out of my head and thatís when I happened if I couldnít yell at others I would yell at myself, If I couldnít hurt others I would hurt me because I was the one to blame for these feelings I did those what I had come to decide on as bad things. Then I did it a quick punch to the left side of my chest from my right handÖ it felt good I liked it, I felt a little better again and again! Harder faster I hit tears started to roll down my face but I kept punching clenching my teeth I donít know how long I did it for I did it till I didnít have enough energy to lift my arm. Both arms fell to my side and I lay back breathing heavily I didnít make a sound the only sign of feeling was the tears on my face that I didnít even care enough about to wipe away. From this day forth if I ever was scared mad or confused I would find a place where I was alone and this is how I would feel better. I was in control of my feelings and no one else!