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#172300 - 08/10/07 09:39 AM Feeling down today...
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Feeling down today, having annoying dreams that make me angry and then kinda disturbed when I wake up. My husband is going away for the weekend and I will miss him, he'll be back monday though so it's not a long time.

It occured to me this morning that I have never even considered telling my dad about the abuse. The fears I feel about this are typical, "What if he just dismisses me as if it were something I brought on myself?" There is always that very real possibility, and I am seeing now how real the damage from that could actually be.

My father is generally avoided by the family because of his chronic mental illness (schizophreneform to be precise). That means he is a chronic schizophrenic who will require medication for the rest of his life. In the past when I have tried to connect with him, some good things things come out of it, but the end result tends to be bad. He starts asking for favors that are completely inappropriate and crazy. Like the last time he wanted me to find a lawyer for him so he could sue the electric company for the sound in his head. He started calling my house several times a day, and when the voice mail picked up he would just hand up and call right back. I cannot allow that kind of disturbance in my life (boundary!) I suppose if I visit him, I would have to make sure that he is not allowed to have direct contact with me.

I have some very disturbing memories of him from my childhood that at times scare the hell out of me. It is usually the main focus if I am feeling near or having anxiety or a panic attack. I start to remember how disgusted I was of his behavior and how bizarre and abstract it all seemed. I start to identify with his behavior and imagine what kinds of things go on in his head, and then I fear that I am pushing myself towards his condition. The worst part is that I fear I am at risk because it is genetic. I am a lot like my father in many ways, looks, intelligence, very analytical, physical attributes, lots of things except for the actual mental illness. That's why I guess it is so easy for me to get swept away by fears of insanity at times.

I suppose the only thing I honestly hope to gain by telling him is approval. I guess that's not a very healthy reason. I always felt that he thought there was something creepy about me because I didn't want to play sports when I was little. My mom told me that she didn't like how he pressured me to get involved when it was clear I wasn't interested. A part of me feels that I have disappointed him, but the mature and wise part of me tells me that it's the other way around. He has disappointed me. It's just not that easy to fix it your mind.

Somehow I think I'm going to have to make ammends with how I think I have disappointed my dad, and let it go.

Kinda feel like I'm whining but I needed to get that out.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#172308 - 08/10/07 10:08 AM Re: Feeling down today... [Re: cbfull]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I wise there was a magical answer to dealing with family members and the issues they add to our lives. Just the best person you can be.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#172311 - 08/10/07 10:33 AM Re: Feeling down today... [Re: TNuss]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks, it helps just to be heard... not necessarily looking for advice, just support I guess, and you gave just that. \:\)

Thanks TNuss.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#172315 - 08/10/07 11:28 AM Re: Feeling down today... [Re: cbfull]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi, CB...I am glad you posted as it must be overwhelming to manage all of that, and at least venting is a way to unload a little bit. That is such a bonus about the DB. I wish I had an answer for you , but all I can think of is asking a professional about telling your Dad...perhaps tell him a generalized example of a childhood trauma. Introduce something hypothetically to test the waters to see his reaction. Of course I strongly suggest you explore this with a supportive professional who is more familiar with you and the issue of schizophrenia. The difficult part is no matter how he reacts it very possibly could come back to be another trauma for you if one day he reacts in a negative way. As for the concern about becoming like your father too, have you gotten any professional advisement and assessment? Perhaps a competant psychiatrist or veteran MH counselor can discuss this with you. Your fears sound valid but do not let fears consume you to become so distorted that you become consumed by them. I have had to learn that myself. I am not comparing my situation to yours but I say that in support of you. I am not sure if I have helped you but , please know we are here as brothers to reach out and respectfully support one another. Seeking approval from a parent seems prettty normal and almost a basic need to me. It does not matter what age it occurs at. It is your history tied to your self esteem and we all want validation. I hope you and all of us find that validation from ourselves so we do not have such a need for other approval....but again you seem pretty normal to me...(Whatever normal is) You do sound pretty level headed to me. I will remember you in my prayers and try to follow your future posts.
With respect,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#172350 - 08/10/07 01:03 PM Re: Feeling down today... [Re: Danbuff]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Danbuff
Hi, CB...I am glad you posted as it must be overwhelming to manage all of that, and at least venting is a way to unload a little bit. That is such a bonus about the DB.

I'm sorry but what is the DB?

It used to be so overwhelming until I went on SSRIs. I am realizing from another post I just read that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being on an SSRI, like if I am cheating myself out of reality. There is a history of depression in my family, no doubt about it, mostly on my mother's side, and also the mental illness on my dad's side. I don't know much about my dad's side of the family, other than the fact that they reproduce like rabbits. Seriously, they have like at least 7 per family, and they start fairly young. Some cousins are old enough to be aunts.

I have brought up the possibility about my becoming psychotic with several counsellors, and they have all basically told me that it is a ridiculous fear for me. They say I show absolutely none of the signs.

One thing that comforts me is that one T told me that a person with schizophrenia does not generally understand what he/she has. I asked my father one time if he knew what was wrong with him. He remembered what the doctor called it, but he had no idea what he was describing. He said, "I don't know what in the hell that doctor was talking about." I can see a clear distinction there that excludes me from the "at risk" category, but I guess the fear that still lingers was planted by my mother when I was younger and asking her what was going on with dad. She told me that stress did this to him. The stress at his job was too much and his mind snapped. I immediately believed that stress could do this to anyone, so I made a vow to avoid stress. I never could have imagined how hard that remark would work against me.

I suppose I would need to be convinced that depression and anxiety are not going to one day cause me to "snap" and suddenly I have schizophrenia. I guess it sounds kinda silly or ridiculous but the fear still lingers in the back of my mind.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#172437 - 08/10/07 04:33 PM Re: Feeling down today... [Re: cbfull]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Craig,
DB is Discussion Board...sorry for confusion. Nothing you have said sounds silly or riduculous....but you are hard on yourself it seems. We can all be hard on ourselves but we are right where we are supposed to be. The gold is in the darkness. We learn from our struggles and when it seems impossible to make sense of things...we struggle until we understand it or accept it. That has been my experience. I believe in that statement as truth... I am glad you seem to have supports. Hang in there.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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