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#171262 - 08/05/07 11:51 PM am i addicted to porn due to csa
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
It's late and i am real tired therefore i will get to my point i think (if i might safely say so) addicted to porn and is this one of the issues to those of us who were abused as kids.

I have alot on my mind but i cant stop thinking about this problem.Is it really a problem and is it effecting my sex life with my beautiful most precious lady in all my life who i have been blessed to call my wife one day.

What do i do and although i "think" it's the right thing to do should i tell her,is it effecting my life with her,am i overre-acting....who knows i am wiped out and any more thinking into this problem i might beat myself up in a way i shame myslef for feeling so dirty and sneaky afterall i'm only looking at porn when she's in bed.

We have ( i thought we did anyway) a great sex life.What am i to do or should i just tell her or let it go....I know only i can answer the question am i addicted.I could be but who knows.

I dont want to feel sneaky as though i am doing this behind her back although thats precisely what i am doing in the first place.


I give up.

Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#171307 - 08/06/07 07:01 AM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: thecoopstah]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Coop:

I'm going to be honest with you, because you've always been good at giving me food for thought.

My husband had been addicted to porn for most of our marriage. I believe it started soon after he felt the weight of more responsibilities. We had just moved to our first house, our first child was born, I had quit my job to stay at home with the baby and with that the financial burden laid on his shoulders exclusively. ON the outside he seemed to handle everything with little difficulty, on the inside I suspect he was relying on old coping mechanisms to manage.

In looking back I feel great regret that he couldn't just open up and talk to me about everything he was facing and everything he was feeling. I do understand the difficulty a survivor has regarding trust issues, but at least in our case I believe talking about it would have done a world of good.

Sometimes I wonder about the whole sexual addiction to porn struggle by a survivor. Another male survivor had told me that acting out was a survivor's lashing out against one's self.
It is not exclusively a male survivor struggle by no means, I know a female survivor who struggles with the exact same compulsion.

Coop, what do you think L's reaction will be if you do tell her? What do you fear the most? What would the benefit be? I can not speak for her but I do know that sometimes by voicing the truth to the people we love, it takes some of the power away from the act itself, you know what I mean?

If it is effecting your sex life then maybe L has a right to know why. There were a couple of points during my relationship with my H that our life in that regard had dwindled. One was right after our second child was born and I could not loose the weight gain. I took it all personally as if my H no longer loved me or something...it had effected how I felt about my own self image and how I felt regarding my husband.

I can't tell you what to do because only you know your relationship best, but from my perspective I would have appreciated knowing sixteen years ago as opposed to twenty two years into the relationship. It then makes a person question, by not telling someone something is that the same as lying to them?

Well, those are my thoughts on this issue. My husband has assured me that once he realized the why it was he was so drawn to porn it lost it's power over him. He has sworn that when he is compelled to view it that he will speak up. I believe honesty is the only way to be in a healthy relationship...only you know L best however, it is up to you to determine if she will be supportive or not to this particular struggle.

Take care Coop.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#171330 - 08/06/07 09:19 AM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Hi Coop;

This is a subject I can relate to 1st hand. My b/f acted out in just the same way as you, although I know it was more than that as well. When I found out about his acting out, I was furious (I'm sure we all would be) and I left. 4 Days later, he presented me with 2 letters, one said option A and the other option B. I was instructed to pick and envelope that matched to my feelings on this matter. Option A if I wanted to stay and give this a chance to work out, or Option B if I wanted him to buy me out and move on with my life without him. Love is powerful and rules your heart, but when you've been hurt in the past deeply, your head takes over and your heart goes out the window. I was on the fence. Cheating was huge, HUGE.

As I opened both letter's because like I said I was on the fence, he began the letter with "Alright, it shows I have a chance to make this right"....as the letter continued he "disclosed" to me.
It was a moment I felt validated, like this all fits together, it's NOT for no reason he's acting out. It's symptoms of your CSA. As a woman, when a person has no reason for cheating it's hurtful. BUT, as surprised as I am about his CSA, I somehow feel better about us. It's not really you watching that porn. I'm sure that's not the man your wife knows. But, I think it would be a lot better if she didn't find out accidentally but more purposefully. You want to be better, you want to be honest you love her. She'll be shocked, and maybe if you direct her to this site she can get the validation from everyone here about the symptoms you try to cope with.

I hope I was helpful, I'm new here and although my partner has disclosed to me, he is still in a state of denial. BUT, It's EARLY, still...

PS- Last week I set boundaries with him, asking him to do the same. Porn, was something I never was upset by, with him but now, it takes a totally different toll on me and I'd rather not be subjected to it right now. He agreed.

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#171336 - 08/06/07 09:35 AM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Coop,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling pained about all of this.

It's hard to tell what L will think about this. Some women apparently enjoy it themselves, and some couples apparently work things out so that porn is part of their sexual relationship. I would guess that she's probably given you some indication of how she feels, though.

It's something that has indeed disrupted my relationship with my partner now, though he's not the only man I've been close to who has been absorbed by porn.

I don't want to moralize with you about this, so I hope to be able to follow S-n-S's example in writing about it without a lot of heat. For that matter, I think that S-n-S has many good things to say.

The issue for me, in relation to my partners' porn use, is that it has made me feel as though I am not good enough. Not sexy enough, not loving enough, not beautiful enough--always inadequate. Or, sometimes at the same time, too much. Too demanding, too needy, too assertive, too interested in sex. It has been especially painful when (and it has happened) I have discovered that my partner was using porn instead of being with me.

My BF has told me he's struggled with it for years, partly as a coping mechanism, for sure, and partly as an escape. Much easier to deal with a woman on a page or on a screen than a real-live one.

That said--the last time we had a go-round about this, I told him how I felt about it, but that I also thought that his sexuality was his, no matter what the relationship between us is. (Maybe some will disagree, but that's a strong value for me.) I don't know what his practices are lately, but he does seem to find it easier to connect with me on that level than he used to; I am optimistic that his porn use has declined.

Eventually, it seems to me, porn will interfere with the relationships we have with our lovers. It's simply too easy for all of us to live in our heads--or to be entertained by online/video stimuli--in comparison with being out and about with people in our real lives. (Consider how much easier it is for us all to make contact online in this forum, for example, than to have this kind of interaction with people we know, face-to-face. This may be a positive use of the technology, heaven knows I am really happy that you-all are here, but it still takes away time from our flesh-and-blood companions. All of us in my household deal with the competition for our time and attention between electronic media and human beings, and it is a really tough thing to manage.)

Coop, you admit to having such issues with maintaining your emotional balance. On the other hand--you have also made such progress, even in the past few months. I'd like to suggest that perhaps you are talking about this now because you are reaching a point when you might be able to deal with this obsession, this form of distancing and containing your sexual feelings.

Don't give up. You've done many difficult things already. You can deal with this one too. Good luck!

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#171748 - 08/07/07 06:00 PM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa *DELETED* [Re: honey girl]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Post deleted by heismyworld


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#171818 - 08/07/07 09:55 PM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: heismyworld]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Thats why "honesty" is critical for me and the life i chooe to live today.I told lisa about my porn use and whether or not she had a problem with it.

Not only did she NOT HAVE A PROBLEM with it but she likes it herslef,she further told me she would even be willing to buy/rent a porn with me.I know sometimes hiding or not being forthright can be taken as being sneaky and i'll give you that however asfar as "lying" i disagree afterall i'm looking at it on our PC therefore i know she'd find out anyway but i see your point and for you to accuse me of the very thing i am copmepletly against(lying)and tell me i should tell her is wrong.This was/is up for me to decide so i resent your accusation.
For you to therefore pre-judge me is unfair and i guess i should have expected such a reply.


Coopstah



Edited by thecoopstah (08/07/07 10:00 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#171825 - 08/07/07 11:01 PM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa *DELETED* [Re: thecoopstah]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Post deleted by heismyworld


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#171925 - 08/08/07 12:42 PM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: heismyworld]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I understand and i'm sure i jumped the gun and conclusions thereafter are pretty obvious.I do forgive you although you really did NOTHING WRONG only that you were voicing your opinino and your perspective was very insightful therefore i see how you mentioning i was bieng sneaky and i essentially accused you of putting words in my mouth.

Honesty is HUGE for me and forgive me for thinking as though you were labeling how you see things afterall we are all entitled to think and feel however we like and who am i to take that away from you.

Welcome to male survivor and i sure hope you use this site so you can gain a perspective from those of us who are indeed survivors therefore willing and able to reach out and help in any way we can.

Coop

PS: hopefully my explaining this to you did not get lost in translation...

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#171999 - 08/08/07 06:57 PM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa [Re: thecoopstah]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Coop,

Though not written to me, I assume it didn't get lost in translation, and what a great way to respond.

K.


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#172090 - 08/09/07 08:33 AM Re: am i addicted to porn due to csa *DELETED* [Re: Kathryn]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Post deleted by heismyworld


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