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#17191 - 04/29/06 12:41 AM Used in porn
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
****Mild triggers****


As some of you already know, as part of my abuse my perp photographed me. He also had an extensive collection of child porn (some pictures were of kids I know), which he used while "seducing" me prior to the assault. As a result, my feelings & trauma around my abuse are complicated by the thoughts that my perp probably traded my pictures to other perps and that there are probably child porn pictures of me out there.

Has anyone else been photographed or used in porn? If so would you be open to talking about it? I really need to make some peace with this because the thought of these pictures existing really scares me.

I guess the worst part of being photographed is the violation. Not only did my perp beat me up and rape me, but he also "captured the moment" so his buddies and other perps can continue to exploit me. Also, I wonder from time to time if these pictures of me were used to lure and seduce other kids. I know that there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening, and that there is no way I can be hurt today from pedos using these photos, but it still makes me feel awful that my picture might have been used to hurt more kids.

Any thoughts?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#17192 - 04/29/06 01:13 AM Re: Used in porn
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I am sorry you was. I was not, but I know of someone who was. I can ask of them if they will speak with you of it. You can message to me.

andrei


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#17193 - 04/29/06 03:15 AM Re: Used in porn
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
nobs ,my perp was into video and pictures ,dont know if i can help you but i'm open to talking about it . also the police have copies of some of it and i been told they keep it ,they dont destroy it .hell who knows who could see this stuff .i know some of my stuff was sold and my perp sent me a copy of a video . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#17194 - 04/29/06 05:07 AM Re: Used in porn
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
I did not have pictures taken of me but I do know of about the violation you speak of. I was in Ireland visiting an old friend of the family and the friend groped me and said "you do not mind" and "your father is right you are very patient". I was to shock to respond verbally but my body ached for days.


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#17196 - 04/29/06 08:23 PM Re: Used in porn
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
I was used to produce child pornography as well. I can relate to the disgust of knowing what people are doing with the images. I was spared the humiliation of having the movies depict any kind of "rape" as such - but in some ways, this is actually a downside, especially for any kids who might be groomed using them. That may not make sense right away, but I invite you to read my story , as it will clear things up. You'll have to forgive some mild use of language in that post - it was my first in this forum and writing it was something of an emotional tilt-a-whirl ride.

I've been dealing with this for awhile. There's not much support for precisely this issue out there; if you want to talk, I am more than willing to.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#17197 - 04/29/06 09:23 PM Re: Used in porn
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
The issue of pictures or videos is always on my mind.
I knew no pictures were ever taken, but my mind questions whether this is really true.

I cannot even think what a guy goes through who knows for sure, that he has been distributed on the net, but rest assured no perp will ever know it was you if they met you.

There really is nothing anyone can do about the spread of porn through such a vast gateway.
It is far beyond impossible to track perps down.

Dont leave it to governments, leave it to the guys who work on software that can track porn through the matrix of the internet.

There is nothing to stop the cops embedding data inside existing porn to trap perps, they cannot see it, but it is embedded in the picture.

Maybe it would start a java application on the perps computer to track everywhere he goes on the net, and who he knows.

Yeah, I know it can be done, just waitin for them to do it,

ste

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Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#17198 - 04/30/06 06:48 AM Re: Used in porn
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Do you think they would say if they did?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#17199 - 04/30/06 06:14 PM Re: Used in porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nobby,

You said something that got me thinking and I thought it might be relevant here since so many guys are victims of perv shutterbugs:

Quote:
there is no way I can be hurt today from pedos using these photos
I understand what you mean bro, but isn't that a rational response? In emotional terms the question would be how it FEELS to know that pervs using pictures of child abuse to get off may well have some showing you. In a way, isn't that a terrible repetition of the abuse, one that the survivor can never stop?

I just suggest this as a way of understanding how terrible susvivors (rightly) feel when they know there are pictures of them "out there".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#17200 - 04/30/06 06:22 PM Re: Used in porn
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
one of my fears about this stuff is that a perp could use pictures and videos of me to groom another kid ,also what could be the result of some would be perp watching this stuff ,it could be the thing that makes him molest for the first time .this stuff could be used to incite the desire of thousands of perps. i dont care what effect knowing it is out there has on me but what about if somebody else got hurt because of this stuff. shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#17201 - 04/30/06 06:33 PM Re: Used in porn
Bill_h_pike Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 67
Loc: USA
This isn't my favorite topic to discuss but agree with most the stuff others have said. I get physically ill when I think about what perverts are doing with my pictures.

Quote:

rest assured no perp will ever know it was you if they met you.
They could recognise me from pictures taken 4 years ago.


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#17203 - 04/30/06 07:44 PM Re: Used in porn
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
another thing that bothers me is if someone watched theses videos they would see a kid who looks like he is going along with it ,not being forced.but the forcing had already happened ,what you see is a kid who has given up and given in .all the fight was gone by then .shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#17204 - 04/30/06 08:44 PM Re: Used in porn
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam,

thinking along the same lines, it is kids who are in poverty or dysfuncional families who get sucked in by money, or worse, looking for attention.

Those type of videos are openly shared on P2P programmes which I would not install on my machine even though most of my music is only available having that software.

Authorities will be tracking perps swapping these videos, and a perps lust for more and more makes them open to being hauled in some time down the line.

That is when the cops delve into all of their contacts and haul them in too.

It is immensely difficult to take computer crime to a court, because those in charge of investigating it do not know how to put forward a case through not knowing the system.

Just think about how many cops or attorneys know enough about computers, and what tracks they leave and where to look?
This is a tool often exploited by perps,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#17205 - 04/30/06 09:52 PM Re: Used in porn
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by roadrunner:
I understand what you mean bro, but isn't that a rational response? In emotional terms the question would be how it FEELS to know that pervs using pictures of child abuse to get off may well have some showing you. In a way, isn't that a terrible repetition of the abuse, one that the survivor can never stop?

I just suggest this as a way of understanding how terrible susvivors (rightly) feel when they know there are pictures of them "out there".

Much love,
Larry
It doesn't feel like anything. I accept that my perp took pictures and probably shared them. (he is probably regretting sharing him now that I have told the police about them) My biggest fear is what Adam says below, that other kids will see those pictures and think that I went along with it. But my perp showed me pictures of other kids, and I feel no sense of being betrayed by those poor kids, so maybe that fear is unfounded.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#17207 - 05/01/06 06:39 PM Re: Used in porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jacob,

I think it's one of those things that lies beyond explanation, though I have tried to explain that lost and "giving up" feeling to my wife, parents, and a few friends and it seemed that they were trying to understand.

That said, I'm not sure I understand it myself. My experience of it was that all the abuser had to do was pull up in his car and tell me to get in. I used to think I just didn't care anymore - I just "knew" I was that worthless. But maybe it was a feeling of despair - that nothing was going to change. No one knew, I was all alone. I'm not sure anymore.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#17208 - 05/02/06 12:09 AM Re: Used in porn
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
The perv that got his claws into me never did it with pictures of other kids!

It was more psychological, like giving me sweets, fruit, money, use of air rifles, a pen knife that I cut myself with testing that it was sharp.

The 'games' all started after the indoctrination!

Whatever they did to us, they would do to others, that is not our fault. The only person/s at fault are the abusers!

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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