I had a lot of abusers and they all were different in what they prefered... Some were brutal, some where almost careful, compared anyway, for example..
Some just r&ped me and where done and gone in 10 minutes others... well etc. I'm steering around the point.

I remember a few times where the abuse wouldn't happen at home. There were a lot of adults and also a few other kids... I don't know any of them though, this only happened a couple of times and with different kids mostly.

I remember one time where they tried to make me do stuff to other kids and the other way around I guess. I refused though... The kids were much younger then me... I was about 11 while they were maybe 7 or 8. I don't regret my choice but I paid for it. I remember them hitting me and then nothing. I had to stay home from school for 2 weeks.
It bothers me that I can't remember anything else..
Did i pass out? I guess I did. Did the stuff with the kids still happen? I don't know.
It was the first and only time they tried to make me do this though so i guess thats a good thing...
I feel like throwing up right now with a killer headache...
This is the one memorie that probably bothers me most and that I tried to stash away deepest... Guess I couldn't.
I tried to write this before but couldn't do it then.
Flashing badly now..oh man..

Stefan

Stefan,

I'm sorry for what you had to endure. I hope you realize that you should be very proud of yourself for refusing to go along with it. That took a lot of courage and moral strength. I'm proud of you...

Lazarus

Stefan,

The key point in all this is that you were eleven years old, bro, and being abused and threatened by adults whom you knew would hurt you if you didn't do what they wanted. However you reacted, and whether or not any of those younger kids were involved, all of this is the fault of the adult abusers - you were not to blame either then or now.

Stefan, you may have other memories of doing things - apparently willingly - with these abusers or according to their orders. Here what you have to remember is that after a time an abused boy just gives up; I know I did, and I now understand why.

By the time I was 12 I had been abused and hurt so many times and in so many (to me) unimaginable ways that I was beyond caring what happened to me anymore. What I cared about was that no one should discover what kind of boy I was. As for the abuse, well, I thought I deserved it for being so worthless, not realizing that this feeling of worthlessness had come from the abuse itself. I went with the abuser willingly, even got in his car, stood at his front door while he parked, and then went upstairs to wait for him. I was lost and doomed, I thought; this was never going to end.

It's important not to judge yourself in any way, Stefan. The situation you are in now allows you to look back from a position of safety; I know it isn't an ideal position moving around so much, but at least you are safe. Back then you had no idea when the next beating or rape would come or how badly you would be treated. Whatever happened, or whoever it may have involved - none of it was your fault. The important thing now is that you survived.

Much love,
Larry

Stefan,

It's amazingly strong of you to come here and say all that. People who can do that to children are just the worst of all people. You are not one of them.

i just keep flashing i hate it.

hey Stefan

I just wanna say that you're not to blame for everything you described. You were the victim as were those other kids. But you still showed fabulous strenght for refusing to do what they asked of you. And that's something to be proud of.

But because you probably passed out you are now afraid some things happend anyway without being conscious of it. And that's probably what's scaring you so much. As are the flashes of it of course.

I'm thinking about you and I hope you will find the strenght to deal with this new scary thing.

John

Stefan, you are truly amazing. You were in a situation where they had ALL the power and you had NONE. Yet, YOU STILL STOOD UP to them. I just don't think I could have. Just like Larry "What I cared about was that no one should discover what kind of boy I was."

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did but I'm glad you were finally able to talk about it some here. I hope that somehow this can help with the flashbacks as time goes on.

Take care,
Keith

stefan---------------------that took a lot of stregith--------------to stand up----------and probley knowing what would happen if you did---------------wish i had the power to take it all away for you----------you dd not deserve this crap------------no one does--------------------------please be kind to yourself-------------------------------------------------------------------steve

I just really, really hate life sometimes.

Stefan,

Have you been through any drills on how to contain or control flashbacks? There are some things you can do that really do help.

Much love,
Larry