Anyone here who is gay afraid of being gay?

My fear was not of being gay, it was based in the acceptance of others. I feared being cut off from the world I knew, but guess what? The straight world is not the only option. I found that once I discovered an accepting world, where gay was not wrong, I could eliminate the fear.

Many men who fear being gay try and live a lie. This will create a feeling of self-hatred, which will eat away at your self esteem. As we all know, our self esteem is already wounded, so this additional stress just makes our lives harder to control.

It can be worked through, you just have to begin to understand yourself.

Good Luck.

Carl

I used to live in fear that I would be discovered. I am basically very masculine, but declared my sexuality on July 1, 1991. It was freeing. I do not wear it on my sleeve or rub in your face. I am so much more than gay, I am so much more than a victim... I am a survivor. So are you. I hope it helps.

Best wishes,
Dan

Jafo,

I'm not gay so I can't answer your question, but I'd like to assure you that you will be respected and understood here by all the Male Survivor community. I'm glad you found us and I hope the site will be able to help you.

Much love,
Larry

I'm gay, but I'm afraid of being gay. I don't know what being gay means, beyond being attracted to males. I know what the stereotypes are. I'm not into casual sex, or anonymous sex. I want a long term relationship, but I don't know how to find a friend who's gay much less a partner.

I live in the gayest part of the country and I don't know HOW to be gay.

JAFO,

Well, you have hit on it already. Being gay means "being attracted to males".

It's that simple, all the rest is based on your personality, wants and dreams. Don't let anyone tell you what to be or how to act. If you want to be a gay firefighter, cowboy or anything else, just go for it. You don't have to "know HOW" to be gay. You are you, and that is how you are "GAY". Just be yourself and don't worry what anyone else thinks.

Now, I have one other question for you.

What are you afraid of? (Be a little more specific please)

I'll keep watching this thread, and if I can share more I will.

TTYL
Carl

I'm living a lie, because I'm afraid of being alone if I were to come out and live my life openly gay.

Good luck to you. You are amoungst friends here.

JAFO,

I know how nerve-wracking it can be, especially if you haven't come out yet. But let me tell you that coming out was the best, most heartwarming thing I've done in a long, long time. Everybody accepts me, nobody looks down or disrespects me. Attitudes have changed a lot in the last decade.

Forget the stereotypes! They don't apply anymore. Gay men are not effiminate hair dressers any more. We are businessmen, sportsmen, hard working, donw-to-earth guys just like every other guy next door. Some of us even have kids, like me. Many of us are in long term relationships and aren't circuit bois.

So just be yourself! That's what a gay man does. They do the same things every other man does. One of my bisexual friends says the only difference between sex with a man and sex with a woman, is that a guy has a handle to turn him over with! LOL

Relax. You'll figure it out. We can help if you have any specific questions.

Good luck!

Ric

Ric,

My friends call it a "kick stand". LMAO

Carl

that's perfectly normal.

i used to feel like jean grey from xmen - scared of her full potential b/c she had no idea what she'd become. i looked at the community at large...rather how the media portrays it.. i was disgusted.. and well i was different. through time i saw that i don't have to go crazy, be a whore, drug addict, or alcoholic,

i can be me.. and i can be gay. make sense?

don't worry jean grey - you won't loose control.

JAFO,

I lived in fear of being gay for most of my adult life. I got married, had a kid and tried to be who I wasn't. That nearly did me in. I knew the stereotypes of gay life and that just wasnt me at all to be honest and I couldnt live like that. However I finally was honest with myself and came out.

Is the gay life all like that stereotype...heck no...are there those that follow the stereotype...heck yes but you dont have to associate with them. I, like you, am very masculine and still to this day no one can "tell" and are shocked when I tell them. I too was looking for a managomous relationship and basically wanted to find a guy to be married to. I thought it would never happen but it did last year!

The descision to come out and be myself was litterally the best decision I made in my life.

There is no gay rule book...you make it up as you go...you are you and your sexuality does not define you.

Welcome by the way,
Brian

I appreciate what you guys are saying, but for me what is being said is completely insufficient- not that you are giving insufficient answers to the question, but that it doesn't help me... move forward I guess.

I know what has been said intellectually. I know that I can be myself. That doesn't do anything about the terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex. It all scares the fuck out of me.

JAFO,

We are dealing in abstracts here... we've all talked about the good points, the bad points, the history and the future. But you're right, we haven't really touched on YOUR concerns. I'm afraid all I can do is offer generalities, until I know some specifics. Finding a man? I'm sure we can chat about that forever. Gay Sex??? Oh man, where do we begin??? LOL

I know it's a scary and exciting time for you. But please don't ask about generalized terror at the prospect, give us something to go on! Ask some specific questions, and I guarantee you will get specific answers. Probably more than you bargained for, if I know these guys... LOL

It's not that we don't want to help, but I personally don't know where to start. Give us a clue, OK?

Lazarus

jafo, true man - but ya know i hear what you are saying and feel i can relate. i would have said the exact same thing over a year ago

but ya know i took a risk. i couldn't take it anymore -- something had to change. i decided if i screwed up or something happened.. well i'd have to deal with it.

i don't think anyone can really say anything if you are in the state i thinki you are -- it comes down to y our choice. when you're ready to make it you will.

no i don't think one's sexuality is a choice - - but the choice to change your current state is very much a reality.

It seems like you are putting the cart before the horse by looking at it this way. No one can answer that question for you, because you have not created the answers yet.

Your fears are understandable, most of us gay men started out with them in much the same way as you. I'm not sure if this is making any sense to you, but you have a wonderful new world that's opening up in front of you, waiting for you to participate, and you can participate in any way you like.

If I may make a suggestion, try going to a gay coffee house and get a coffee or a cookie, and a newspaper, and just try to see what you can soak up from the atmosphere. Don't worry about observing other people because they are doing the same thing. You can stay as little or as long as you like, just don't drink too much coffee if you are not used to it, you'll get a tummy ache and then insomnia!

JAFO,

Well this is a start. I have spent my life looking for a partner. Growing old alone is one of my biggest fears, but I really think that is not just a gay issue. I am 43 and have had 3 m2m LTR's (long term relationships). I did hope each of these would have been my life partner, but as we lived together we found differences that we could not overcome. I do consider all three men as friends and as time goes by I am happy for the experience we had together. Each relationship has taught me some valuable lessons and, as they say, if we don't learn we don't grow.

Now on to the sex thing. (MAY BE TRIGGERS)

When I was 13 I was raped, it was painful and mind scarring. I knew I was gay, but I didn't want my introduction to anal sex to be so traumatic. Now, 30 years later, I still can not have anal sex. Most men assume gay sex is all about anal sex, it's not. I have lived my life fearing anal sex, but I work through it and concentrate on the oral pleasure I can give my partner. I have had a very unusual sex life, but many men set mental boundries that will effect their interactions.

I don't know your story, but if your past is causing your fear of sex, then you have come to the right place. If you read many of the posts here, then you'll realize sex is a common difficulty for many CSA survivors.

My suggestion is to try and not make "being GAY" all about sex. You can have great friendships and relationships with other gay men, without sex getting involved. To be honest, I have not had any sexual involvement in over 7 years. I value good friendships more than sex. Sex I can do myself, but friendships require at least one other person. (unless your schizophrenic)

You mentioned you live in the "gayest" part of the country. I think you may mean San Francisco. If that is true, then you have many chances to meet other gay men without bars or sex getting involved. When I lived there, I was surprised at how many recreational activities and groups were available. Look for something you enjoy and join in. Sports or a political cause can be a great start. You will meet other gay men and see that life can be fulfilling without sex. Don't be afraid of getting out there and trying something new. You may meet "Mr. Right".

Just some thoughts.

Good luck,
Carl

I was emotionally abused as a kid and raped once just before my 11th birthday. Sex doesn't scare me, although I've been triggered as an adult in certain situations. I haven't been sexual relationship with a man where I was the bottom for anal sex, so I don't know if that will work for me or not. I don't have an issue with anal play when I'm alone.

I'll start looking around to see if I can find something that I can do to get out of my house and meet some people. I'm truly terrified to do so. My self esteem isn't all that high, and I feel like I'm paranoid half the time, wondering what everyone is saying about me.

I hate it.

JAFO,

I have to admit I am in the same boat as you and your self esteem. I am always thinking I am not good enough for this guy or that one, but I have worked my way around that. I just try and stay away from guys who are way out of my league.

You havn't mentioned any details about yourself. How old are you? What kind of sports do you like? Do you have any hobbies? Do you love to write? All of this stuff can play into your choices. I am not asking you to spill your guts, just use these questions as a guide. If you're good at something, then use that to get involved.

I happen to like bowling, and we have a gay bowling league. It's great because we have people of all skill levels participating. Some of the guys come to bowl and have a few beers, others come and take the game very seriously. The best part is we are not paying any attention to how dumb my bowling shoes look. Just think about enjoying yourself.

I also live by the rule, "If they don't like me because I'm ______________, then I don't want to know them because they have more hang ups than I do." (fill in the blank with your own thoughts)

If you join something that your already good at, you can show the other guys up. LOL

I really hope this is a help.

TTYL
Carl

I have hope that there is that respect and understanding Larry however, I have not found that to be universally true here...Someone made the remark in chat that gay people choose to be gay...I was blown away by that and I will always try to let people know I did not choose this. In fact, who would choose to be the brunt of jokes, and want to take on stereotypes? I am sure it was no choice to be heterosexual.I wonder if there may be some residual anger and resentment in attitudes especially if some makes were abused by males. That is understandable, but it is a blanket assumption that may be occuring. I am trying to find a place to accept that people do not have to embrace gay people or agreee with someones sexuality... I just have a problem with that kind of comment. I am not that assured but I still think this is a wonderful place regardless and all we can try to do is support and nurture one another in spite of our differences.
Peace to all...
Dan

Dan,

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if it is based on little or no scientific evidence. I for one did not choose to be gay either. I had the very picture of the American dream: house, wife, two kids, great job... Who in their right mind would have given that up to be, as you say, the target for so much abuse, especially given all the abuse I have suffered without being gay thrown in on top?

Dewey,
Yes you are correct, we are all entitled to opinions. I hate when that opinion feels insensitive...that is my point . As we all have opinions, all of us also have sensitivities. I chose to try and offer insight more than my opinion. It is actually a little of both. But no harm intended to anyone. I respect that people (myself included) can have certain opinions. Sometimes those opinions are not necessarily supportive or with understanding. I don't think anyone intended to be insensitive but it is always worth trying to enlighten people who assume we chose to be gay. You seem to get my point and I say thank you.
Dan

because this is about me I thought I would comment. This is being taken completely incorrectly and your anger is unjustified. I thought about this a bit because myself and others in chat thought this comment might come up again. In no way was I trying to be nasty towards you i just had lack of another word.. I say the word choose in the same context I would say it to a straight person It was not ment to be offensive...

In counter what I dont understand is why some members of the gay community in general not just on MS feel they need to still yell? I use the example of the past where women demanded equal rights and for the most part are accepted and have them now in society yet some women continue to yell and fight?? for what exactly is my confusing? I guess if i look back how i see it I was just commenting like your just a normal guy in my eyes but your yelling and you did use caps lock which is yelling online at me for accepting you?

Aidan, At no time did I yell I said "BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE" yes in caps for emphasis, that was the only part in caps. I have never said a off remark or yell on this sight. It was to make a point. It is my goal to be supportive of all. If you read any posts in here occasionally someone will uses caps to make a point and it is in no way yelling. I stand by my word. There is no anger here, however it is certainly frustrating . Hopefully this can be the end of this and we all walk away a little more informed. My point is made on my behalf as well as other gay people who do not feel welcomed because of insensitive remarks even if not intended. I will always respond... as well I should. Look back at the beginning of this thread...it says is anyone afraid. The question came up with a reason because there is a lot on the line for just being who you are when you are gay.
Dan

Generally online caps is taken as yelling I apologize for the confusing.I apologize I have stepped on a forbidden conversation it seems which is unfortunate. I just wish the borders would fall down.. I wish sexuality didn't separate people especially here and I believe everyone including me is very accepting so accepting I don't even think twice its a "whatever" sorta thing in my head no one should tell someone else how to live there life nor should they argue it.. thats just how I feel.

to sum up what I mean let me rephrase your final sentence "because there is a lot on the line for just being who you are when you are a male survivor."

I guess the reason I continue this discussion is based partially on how something was worded a few posts higher sating that "people need to be enlightened" I took this offensively it makes me feel small little and insignificant if someone in real life tells me there enlightening me they are usually angry and I want to find the closest door to slam in there face. Maybe this is just blowing up and getting out of hand on both sides maybe not. I guess I'm done and will retreat again.. apperently I dont post often but it always seems to what I like to think of as a purpose.. and I am just standing up for myself dont take it as any more then that.

probably best continued in PM as this thread seems to be way off topic now. although i dont have much else to say. said my peace i guess

Aidan,
Thank you, apology accepted and I in no way meant to imply that you are insignificant. Not at all. You are articulate and you do sound caring. Lets leave it at that.

Yes, people need to be enlightened about a lot of things and that includes me. I hope I never stop learning. I appreciate that we could quickly come to terms and put closure on this...
Be at peace. No hard feelings and I hope it it mutual. Life is too short.

Peace,
Dan

hehe definatly mutual friend!

Aidenchase,

I agree, I wish sexuality didn't separate us.

I wish "gay" could go back to meaning only "happy" like it did many, many years ago and not this modern construct that most of society is not even comfortable acknowledging as a valid lifestyle.

Oh well. No use crying over spilled stereotypes.

i use to be afrade about getting old by myself-----------------------but any more -to hell with it-------------i am by myself------------------and will be-------------so what ever happens-----------------will happen----------------steve

i just dont care anymore

Hi again, based on your quote below I will comment and hope it helps.

Quote:

That doesn't do anything about the terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex.

I understand the fear and concern of being discovered and how it interferes with being in a relationship as well as having sex. When I came out it was a weight off my shoulders and a huge relief. Acceptance then was on who did or did not respect me. It made things clearer because I was now honest and so were the reactions. Learning to be comfortable with sexual identity is not easy for many of us because of society and culture. I guess when we accept who we are, we live more freely without fear and hiding. I think you intellectually get that but it is emotionally hard to accept. This is a struggle yes but I persoanlly believe it is a choice. At least for me. I chose to be open about my sexuality and let the dust settle after I came out. Now I don't give a rats ass if people know I am gay. I am so much more than that as are you.

As for the sexual stuff, all I can say is my second relationship was with a guy who worshiped, adored and insecurely loved me. He was my trigger and opened up wounds of past CSA. That was in 1991. My abilty to be at ease sexually has never been right since that time.I think because he was emotionally involved with me on some level he reminded me of the abuse because supposedly my family loved me too. My abuse was incest with a brother and a father. So my point is once we recall the sexual trauma, sex becomes awkward, and at times a nightmare. At least that is my experience. The only time sex has been okay is when I helped get someone off and abused myself without self-respect. The after burn was just that. It burned me with shame and remorse and sadly still does. I am working on it more than ever before. I need to understand all of my emotions and behaviors and all of the triggers.

Sorry for the long answer,I wanted to be as clear as I can be in the interest of helping you. If I have then I have achieved my goal. I wish you success. Love yourself first and to hell with what others think. You live your life and pay your way...they don't pay your bills or walk in your shoes.
Peace, Dan