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#171910 - 08/08/07 10:30 AM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: Nate]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
JAFO,

I lived in fear of being gay for most of my adult life. I got married, had a kid and tried to be who I wasn't. That nearly did me in. I knew the stereotypes of gay life and that just wasnt me at all to be honest and I couldnt live like that. However I finally was honest with myself and came out.

Is the gay life all like that stereotype...heck no...are there those that follow the stereotype...heck yes but you dont have to associate with them. I, like you, am very masculine and still to this day no one can "tell" and are shocked when I tell them. I too was looking for a managomous relationship and basically wanted to find a guy to be married to. I thought it would never happen but it did last year!

The descision to come out and be myself was litterally the best decision I made in my life.

There is no gay rule book...you make it up as you go...you are you and your sexuality does not define you.

Welcome by the way,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#172051 - 08/08/07 10:28 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: pain4ever]
JAFO Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/15/07
Posts: 6
I appreciate what you guys are saying, but for me what is being said is completely insufficient- not that you are giving insufficient answers to the question, but that it doesn't help me... move forward I guess.

I know what has been said intellectually. I know that I can be myself. That doesn't do anything about the terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex. It all scares the fuck out of me.


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#172058 - 08/08/07 10:54 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: JAFO]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
JAFO,

We are dealing in abstracts here... we've all talked about the good points, the bad points, the history and the future. But you're right, we haven't really touched on YOUR concerns. I'm afraid all I can do is offer generalities, until I know some specifics. Finding a man? I'm sure we can chat about that forever. Gay Sex??? Oh man, where do we begin??? LOL

I know it's a scary and exciting time for you. But please don't ask about generalized terror at the prospect, give us something to go on! Ask some specific questions, and I guarantee you will get specific answers. Probably more than you bargained for, if I know these guys... LOL

It's not that we don't want to help, but I personally don't know where to start. Give us a clue, OK?

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#172084 - 08/09/07 08:07 AM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: Lazarus]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 86
Loc: Ohio
jafo, true man - but ya know i hear what you are saying and feel i can relate. i would have said the exact same thing over a year ago

but ya know i took a risk. i couldn't take it anymore -- something had to change. i decided if i screwed up or something happened.. well i'd have to deal with it.

i don't think anyone can really say anything if you are in the state i thinki you are -- it comes down to y our choice. when you're ready to make it you will.

no i don't think one's sexuality is a choice - - but the choice to change your current state is very much a reality.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#172123 - 08/09/07 12:03 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: JAFO]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: JAFO
I appreciate what you guys are saying, but for me what is being said is completely insufficient- not that you are giving insufficient answers to the question, but that it doesn't help me... move forward I guess.

I know what has been said intellectually. I know that I can be myself. That doesn't do anything about the terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex. It all scares the fuck out of me.


It seems like you are putting the cart before the horse by looking at it this way. No one can answer that question for you, because you have not created the answers yet.

Your fears are understandable, most of us gay men started out with them in much the same way as you. I'm not sure if this is making any sense to you, but you have a wonderful new world that's opening up in front of you, waiting for you to participate, and you can participate in any way you like.

If I may make a suggestion, try going to a gay coffee house and get a coffee or a cookie, and a newspaper, and just try to see what you can soak up from the atmosphere. Don't worry about observing other people because they are doing the same thing. You can stay as little or as long as you like, just don't drink too much coffee if you are not used to it, you'll get a tummy ache and then insomnia!

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#172145 - 08/09/07 02:52 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: JAFO]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Originally Posted By: JAFO
terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex. It all scares the fuck out of me.


JAFO,

Well this is a start. I have spent my life looking for a partner. Growing old alone is one of my biggest fears, but I really think that is not just a gay issue. I am 43 and have had 3 m2m LTR's (long term relationships). I did hope each of these would have been my life partner, but as we lived together we found differences that we could not overcome. I do consider all three men as friends and as time goes by I am happy for the experience we had together. Each relationship has taught me some valuable lessons and, as they say, if we don't learn we don't grow.

Now on to the sex thing. (MAY BE TRIGGERS)

When I was 13 I was raped, it was painful and mind scarring. I knew I was gay, but I didn't want my introduction to anal sex to be so traumatic. Now, 30 years later, I still can not have anal sex. Most men assume gay sex is all about anal sex, it's not. I have lived my life fearing anal sex, but I work through it and concentrate on the oral pleasure I can give my partner. I have had a very unusual sex life, but many men set mental boundries that will effect their interactions.

I don't know your story, but if your past is causing your fear of sex, then you have come to the right place. If you read many of the posts here, then you'll realize sex is a common difficulty for many CSA survivors.

My suggestion is to try and not make "being GAY" all about sex. You can have great friendships and relationships with other gay men, without sex getting involved. To be honest, I have not had any sexual involvement in over 7 years. I value good friendships more than sex. Sex I can do myself, but friendships require at least one other person. (unless your schizophrenic)

You mentioned you live in the "gayest" part of the country. I think you may mean San Francisco. If that is true, then you have many chances to meet other gay men without bars or sex getting involved. When I lived there, I was surprised at how many recreational activities and groups were available. Look for something you enjoy and join in. Sports or a political cause can be a great start. You will meet other gay men and see that life can be fulfilling without sex. Don't be afraid of getting out there and trying something new. You may meet "Mr. Right".

Just some thoughts.

Good luck,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#172243 - 08/10/07 12:29 AM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: Scoutvictim]
JAFO Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/15/07
Posts: 6
I was emotionally abused as a kid and raped once just before my 11th birthday. Sex doesn't scare me, although I've been triggered as an adult in certain situations. I haven't been sexual relationship with a man where I was the bottom for anal sex, so I don't know if that will work for me or not. I don't have an issue with anal play when I'm alone.

I'll start looking around to see if I can find something that I can do to get out of my house and meet some people. I'm truly terrified to do so. My self esteem isn't all that high, and I feel like I'm paranoid half the time, wondering what everyone is saying about me.

I hate it.


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#172256 - 08/10/07 04:02 AM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: JAFO]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
JAFO,

I have to admit I am in the same boat as you and your self esteem. I am always thinking I am not good enough for this guy or that one, but I have worked my way around that. I just try and stay away from guys who are way out of my league.

You havn't mentioned any details about yourself. How old are you? What kind of sports do you like? Do you have any hobbies? Do you love to write? All of this stuff can play into your choices. I am not asking you to spill your guts, just use these questions as a guide. If you're good at something, then use that to get involved.

I happen to like bowling, and we have a gay bowling league. It's great because we have people of all skill levels participating. Some of the guys come to bowl and have a few beers, others come and take the game very seriously. The best part is we are not paying any attention to how dumb my bowling shoes look. Just think about enjoying yourself.

I also live by the rule, "If they don't like me because I'm ______________, then I don't want to know them because they have more hang ups than I do." (fill in the blank with your own thoughts)

If you join something that your already good at, you can show the other guys up. LOL

I really hope this is a help.

TTYL
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#172471 - 08/10/07 06:43 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: roadrunner]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Jafo,

I'm not gay so I can't answer your question, but I'd like to assure you that you will be respected and understood here by all the Male Survivor community. I'm glad you found us and I hope the site will be able to help you.

Much love,
Larry


I have hope that there is that respect and understanding Larry however, I have not found that to be universally true here...Someone made the remark in chat that gay people choose to be gay...I was blown away by that and I will always try to let people know I did not choose this. In fact, who would choose to be the brunt of jokes, and want to take on stereotypes? I am sure it was no choice to be heterosexual.I wonder if there may be some residual anger and resentment in attitudes especially if some makes were abused by males. That is understandable, but it is a blanket assumption that may be occuring. I am trying to find a place to accept that people do not have to embrace gay people or agreee with someones sexuality... I just have a problem with that kind of comment. I am not that assured but I still think this is a wonderful place regardless and all we can try to do is support and nurture one another in spite of our differences.
Peace to all...
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#172479 - 08/10/07 07:02 PM Re: Anybody afraid? [Re: Danbuff]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Dan,

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if it is based on little or no scientific evidence. I for one did not choose to be gay either. I had the very picture of the American dream: house, wife, two kids, great job... Who in their right mind would have given that up to be, as you say, the target for so much abuse, especially given all the abuse I have suffered without being gay thrown in on top?


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