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#17166 - 11/01/02 10:08 PM from brian_z
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
To the users of Malesurvivors.org:

I left MS because I was not at a point in my recovery where I could continue my involvement with this site. I can’t go into all my reasons for leaving to protect the privacy of others, but I became to involved with other peoples problems, offering more help than I was able to give, and asking the same.

There were other reasons that had to do specifically with being a moderator, the recent events surrounding the banning of “LionCub”, and not having a clear sense of my own limitations.

This site has provided me with help and support at a time in my life when I desperately needed it. I want to see this site to continue to be a place of healing for survivors. I know this site will heal from the wounds of recent events. I wish the best for ALL of you, and I hope that you will all move forward on your own path to recovery.

Brian “Zee”

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#17167 - 11/02/02 06:22 PM Re: from brian_z
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
To brian_z,
My heart goes out to you. You’ve had to make some cold hard choices
that are resulting in the loss of this relatively safe space for you to share
what is in your heart. This is a very rare place indeed that invites us, as
men, to share, although anonymously, very painful secrets. A place to find
at least some comfort and solace surrounding our trauma experiences
and the impact it had on our lives. It is also a place where we can feel
like we are not alone in these experiences and, with the help of a
community, steady a course to recovery.

I want to honor and applaud you for holding your own feet to the fire of
accountability especially to your self.
“ I became too involved with other
peoples problems, offering more
help than I was able to give, and
asking the same.”
I can’t imagine anyone on these pages who does not have to struggle
to maintain healthy boundaries and I don’t think i would expect you to
be more imperfect than myself or anyone else here. When I was
working with men who were violent and beat their wives, I had to
constantly struggle to respect the struggle the men were dealing with
or not dealing with. I had to constantly tell myself that it was their
struggle and not my struggle to own. I also became aware of how
disrespectful it was for me to even want to take on their struggle as if it
were mine to take on. I wanted to treat them like a child incapable of
dealing with the issues they had to deal with. I believe I was reading
works by the author John Bradshaw at the time.

“There were other reasons that
had to do specifically with being
a moderator, the recent events
surrounding the banning of
“LionCub”, and not having a clear
sense of my own limitations.”
If I were to select a moderator, I would want one who had an awareness
that he sometimes was “not having a clear sense of my own limitations.”
I think any therapist should be aware of that shadow / limitation in
him/herself. What I hear here is the compliment of a “teaching moment”
which would be a “learning moment” brian_z.

When I sponsored a 12-Step group for survivors it happened that two of
the group members started their own friendship outside of the group
structure. I was unaware of this relationship at the time. One day one of
them brought it to my attention because the relationship was
disintegrating and it was going to interfere with both of them being in the
group at the same time. All I could do is remind them of the 12-step rules
guiding relationships ( it discourages in-group relationships at least until
the individuals have in recovery programs for two years.) In my head my
role had been made clear to me. I was “keeper of the key,” both
metaphorically (reminderer of the rules) and in actuality (I had the key
that opened the door). In my heart, because of my issues, boundaries
would always be a struggle. If I failed to maintain my boundaries, shame
always overwhelmed me with a vengeance and self loathing would rule
my day. Somedays my struggle went better than other days. Eventually
both of the men were back on a healthy track and attended group
regularly. They and I stumbled in a very human way.
We as a group stretched the rule about socializing, but we decided it as
a group and met for coffee as a group after every meeting. The discussion
at coffee was soon the purpose for most everyone to come to meeting.
Live and learn, sometimes we just have to see for ourselves what will work
and what will not.

“This site has provided me with help and support at a
time in my life when I desperately needed it. I want to
see this site to continue to be a place of healing for
survivors. I know this site will heal from the wounds of
recent events. I wish the best for ALL of you, and I
hope that you will all move forward on your own path
to recovery.”
It is still not clear to me why it feels so impossible for you to continue
here. Especially now that you have more experience under your belt both
as a moderator and as a man on his path to healing and self acceptence
We are all on our own path in this life and ours have run along side one
another for a while. We have shared experiences here in that we
have both participated in something together, which is this site. We
have also shared our life experiences with one another. I wish this
would continue, but I accept your decision to end your participation in the
process here. I wish I knew more about what led you to this decision, but
I accept that I do not. I also know there are many paths to recovery and
this is only one of them. I wish you healing on your journey and hope
selfishly that your path will return you here soon.


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#17168 - 11/02/02 10:19 PM Re: from brian_z
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
To Brian Z:

I kinda echo the feelings of RJD about you're leaving. I didn't know you very long or well, but I admired you as a forum moderator and as a male survivor. I think you've had some rough experiences you've learned from. I know there's a lot about the whole thing I don't know & don't need to know.

I've been helped greatly here at MS & think its a great site. I also know there are many paths & tools for recovery & survival. I hate to see you go, but ultimately each of us must do what is best for our own recovery.

As a former moderator on a different type of site who left under different circumstances but for similar reasons & in a lot of pain, I empathize with you & respect your decision, and the sensitivity for yourself & others behind that decision.

Take care of yourself & your own recovery, Brian Z. And if that leads you back this way again, I'll be glad to see you.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#17169 - 11/02/02 11:13 PM Re: from brian_z
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
\:D
Two very moving and beautiful examples of the power of friendship and brotherhood here. You guys are showing how we can be positive in our support for each other. Thanks for being so positive and caring--Yuo have inspired me.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#17170 - 11/04/02 01:10 PM Re: from brian_z
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bob:

Thanks and right back atcha, brother! \:D

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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