this is all
so fucking
pointless

Trev,

Were you here when i talked about "Fuck Recovery Day"? Sounds like you need one! What's up?

Much love,
Larry

hate my mothr

I can't say that I blame you. Want to talk more about that? Whatever it is, just let it out. It's okay.

its not ok larry
nothing is ever fucking ok
now shes lockd up and shes sober
so shes all trying to act like
mom of the fucking year but to
me now shes not just a selfish
crakd out whore anymore now shes a selsfish
fucking craked out whore whos also
a lesbian to and fuk her if she thinks
im evr gonna forget that she left me
there with those fucking animals and
fuk her if she thinks ill ever forgive
her an idont give a fuck if she gets
out an starts doing drugs again and
gets her ass kikd by some asshole i
should a let her drug dealer or pimp
or whoever the fuck he was kill her
4 years ago an why the fuk did she evn
have me in the first place? oh ya i
remembr i was a fucking mistake shes such
a fucking whore my REAL father could be
anybody she dont evn know and all she does
is fucking lie about it an she pretends
like she knows who he is but shes jus sayin
shit to make me think she changed but
she will nevr change an ihope she fucking
rots in that cell forever

Trev,

No, none of what you describe is okay - not ever and not in any way. But it IS okay for you to have feelings about this stuff and to say whatever you need to say about it.

You have every right to be furious at her, but the important thing to remember here is that ALL this was her doing, not yours. You are not responsible for her drug or sexual habits, and if she doesn't know who your biological father is, that too reflects on her and not on you.

It makes it all the worse when she pretends that everything is cool now, as if nothing has happened, and for that you have another reason to be furious.

Go ahead and let out that rage, but remember who the real target needs to be: HER, and not yourself.

Much love,
Larry

hard to blame her
for evrything wen she
wasnt evn around an i
was the one who had
to take all the fucking
shit cuz she left
cant let it out cuz ill
say something stupid
somebody will get hurt
ill get kikd out

it jus never fucking ends
an im tired of fucking evn
trying. i dont care anymore
i DONT FUCKING care any more

Trev,



That's exactly what she's to blame for - she was supposed to be there for you to keep you safe and look after you.




I doubt you would get kicked out but I understand why you feel that way. I lived for years thinking my Dad, who loved me a lot, would throw me out in a second if he ever knew. It was all lies and crap from abuse, though.

But what could you say that would be so stupid? You won't get kicked out of here for saying angry things about abuse, right? Why not just go for it?

Much ducking,
Larry

Trev,



Here's me saying more or less the same thing last November, when I was so ill and fed up with being stuck at home doing nothing. i just found it for you in the archive:

**********

I've had it. I am up to my eyes in recovering and coping and doing the right thing, and empowering myself and communicating with my inner child and yada yada yada. Fuck that. At least for a day. On top of all that, the latest is that I am totally fed up with dealing with this asthma crap. My doctor, who has already put me off work for the semester, has told me to back off almost everything I normally do, including my activity on the MS site, and including things like researching books and articles. I feel like a lost soul.

I hereby declare that Saturday the 4rd of November 2006 is Fuck Recovery Day, in Didcot at least. Saturday morning I'm going to sleep in and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to look at pics of me at the age of 10, wallow in the past and ask for at least an hour how anybody can get off by demanding blow jobs from a crying child who thinks if he refuses the abuser will run over his dog. Oh yeah, I'm also going to demand answers for the "why me" questions, and when I don't get answers I like I'm going to get really freaking mad and hit something. The garden shed has been on my hit list for years anyway. I'm thinking of going after it with a pipe wrench.

I'm going to wear my most comfortable and raggedy blue jeans, topped with the Mr Natural Tshirt I got in San Francisco in 1969, and I'm not going to shave or put on shoes the whole day. I'm going to fart wherever and whenever I want and scratch my balls all day long.

The whole day I'm going to eat as unhealthy as I can, and for dinner I'm making fiery hot fajitas to be washed down with the shittiest and coldest white wine I can find.

During the day I'm not going to do ONE useful thing - not one! I'm going to watch Judge Judy, I'm going to practice a screaming solo for slide guitar for "We will rock you" at high volume, and I'm going to watch as much CSI as I can.

In between I'm going to take Bruno to the common without his leash and let him run wherever he wants. Maybe he will catch and eat that cat he's had his eye on. I'm not going to clean up his dog shit either.

Sunday I will be back to normal, but I am soooo looking forward to Saturday. In fact, I already feel better.

Fuck recovery,
Larry