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#171367 - 08/06/07 11:52 AM Why not tell the truth??
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Well, for all that know our story, things are going ok. I have not asked him ANY questions at all. I know that it is my job to support him. I am increasingly upset with the counselor though, and the more I think about it the more upset I get. She is the one that first brought up the word rape. She told us last week that she has believed he was raped from the beginning. Why then, has this counseling stuff been all about me? Having him ask me every day what I need from HIM, when, if he's the victim, I should be asking that of him, right? Also, she's been telling him that he has to accept what he's done. Well, you don't "do" rape, you "are" raped, right? Either she doesn't believe that he didn't want any part of this, or she does now and didn't realize it before. Either way, should I be looking for a new therapist?

Anyway, things have been ok, until yesterday. As we were driving to church, we thought we saw her car. It could have been her. My H was in a funk all day, and couldn't seem to break out of it. Could not make love, which is the one thing that hasn't been affected by this, until now. If this normal?

Ok, my actual question is this. Of the people that know what happened with my H and the secretary, all but one now know the truth. Everyone but my f-i-l. My H spent some time with him yesterday and I asked if he told him and he said no. I asked why, and he said that they've never talked like that, and he doesn't think it's important. What? He'd rather have his father think that he was a cheating husband than to know that he was victimized? I'm frustrated.


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#171374 - 08/06/07 12:20 PM Re: Why not tell the truth?? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
my slant on things - such as it is ...

If you are not comfortable with your T - it's time for a new one. Now, this can get tricky if your husband is very pleased with her, since he's the victim.

Originally Posted By: thewife
As we were driving to church, we thought we saw her car. It could have been her. My H was in a funk all day, and couldn't seem to break out of it. Could not make love, which is the one thing that hasn't been affected by this, until now. If this normal?

"Normal" ... I don't think there is such a thing. Each of us reacts completely differently - based on our own personalities, our past, the way we were raised, etc etc etc. For what it's worth - it's perfectly understandable to me.
Originally Posted By: thewife
What? He'd rather have his father think that he was a cheating husband than to know that he was victimized?

This doesn't surprise me. I would imagine much of his self-image is involved here.


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#171570 - 08/07/07 05:52 AM Re: Why not tell the truth?? [Re: thewife]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Wow! There's so much going on here. Here's my take on just a few points:


1.
Originally Posted By: thewife
I have not asked him ANY questions at all. I know that it is my job to support him.


I don't think you should relegate your own questions and concerns to oblivion on the grounds that he needs your support. After all, this affects you as well and you clearly have your own concerns and feelings that need to be addressed. It has always seemed to me that our partners have to be strong for themselves first. That isn't selfishness, but sheer practicality. If someone else needs you to be strong for them, you can't offer strength that you don't have.


2.
Originally Posted By: thewife
Why then, has this counseling stuff been all about me? Having him ask me every day what I need from HIM, when, if he's the victim, I should be asking that of him, right?


This is difficult to comment on without more information about what's being covered in therapy and in what framework, but I wonder if he's looking at the rape incident as a betrayal of his commitment to you, even if he was the victim. And like I said above, you do have legitimate concerns here. Your husband's T may simply be advising him to ask you what they are so he can attempt to address them.


3.
Originally Posted By: thewife
Also, she's been telling him that he has to accept what he's done.


I would agree with the T here. Whether as victim or partner, he has had sex with another woman and clearly feels very guilty about it. What all this means to him is something he has to work on, but in order to get anywhere he has to be absolutely honest with himself and with his T. Guilt and shame can get in the way here, and remember that even an innocent guy can still feel guilty and shameful.


4.
Originally Posted By: thewife
As we were driving to church, we thought we saw her car. It could have been her. My H was in a funk all day, and couldn't seem to break out of it. Could not make love, which is the one thing that hasn't been affected by this, until now.


I can really sympathize with this one. Usually when he sees the T it is on his own terms and he is in control. He knows the time, the place, and probably even what issues will be discussed and in what way. he knows he's there for an hour (for example) and then he will walk out. But if he sees the T in a public place it feels like an ambush - like a reminder that things can happen anytime to trigger him. He's not in control after all. That feeling of compromised safety must have been rough for him.


5.
Originally Posted By: thewife
Of the people that know what happened with my H and the secretary, all but one now know the truth. Everyone but my f-i-l. My H spent some time with him yesterday and I asked if he told him and he said no. I asked why, and he said that they've never talked like that, and he doesn't think it's important. What? He'd rather have his father think that he was a cheating husband than to know that he was victimized?


Your husband may well not feel able to tell his father that he was victimized sexually by a woman, regardless of what the alternative explanation might be. His Dad may be a traditional guy who would not understand that a man can be raped by a woman, or may your husband may view him in that way. Or as Mark suggests, this may be a matter of his self-image. My own take on this, admittedly on the basis of meager information, is that your husband seems to be very confused as to what to make of the whole problem. However way he cuts the cake, he ends up with a piece he doesn't like or doesn't want to be on his plate.

Hope this has been of some help and I hope it doesn't look too mechanical. I was just trying to divide things up into points I could talk about separately, even though sure, they are all linked.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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