Wow! There's so much going on here. Here's my take on just a few points:
I have not asked him ANY questions at all. I know that it is my job to support him.
I don't think you should relegate your own questions and concerns to oblivion on the grounds that he needs your support. After all, this affects you as well and you clearly have your own concerns and feelings that need to be addressed. It has always seemed to me that our partners have to be strong for themselves first
. That isn't selfishness, but sheer practicality. If someone else needs you to be strong for them, you can't offer strength that you don't have.
Why then, has this counseling stuff been all about me? Having him ask me every day what I need from HIM, when, if he's the victim, I should be asking that of him, right?
This is difficult to comment on without more information about what's being covered in therapy and in what framework, but I wonder if he's looking at the rape incident as a betrayal of his commitment to you, even if he was the victim. And like I said above, you do have legitimate concerns here. Your husband's T may simply be advising him to ask you what they are so he can attempt to address them.
Also, she's been telling him that he has to accept what he's done.
I would agree with the T here. Whether as victim or partner, he has had sex with another woman and clearly feels very guilty about it. What all this means to him is something he has to work on, but in order to get anywhere he has to be absolutely honest with himself and with his T. Guilt and shame can get in the way here, and remember that even an innocent guy can still feel guilty and shameful.
As we were driving to church, we thought we saw her car. It could have been her. My H was in a funk all day, and couldn't seem to break out of it. Could not make love, which is the one thing that hasn't been affected by this, until now.
I can really sympathize with this one. Usually when he sees the T it is on his own terms and he is in control. He knows the time, the place, and probably even what issues will be discussed and in what way. he knows he's there for an hour (for example) and then he will walk out. But if he sees the T in a public place it feels like an ambush - like a reminder that things can happen anytime to trigger him. He's not in control after all. That feeling of compromised safety must have been rough for him.
Of the people that know what happened with my H and the secretary, all but one now know the truth. Everyone but my f-i-l. My H spent some time with him yesterday and I asked if he told him and he said no. I asked why, and he said that they've never talked like that, and he doesn't think it's important. What? He'd rather have his father think that he was a cheating husband than to know that he was victimized?
Your husband may well not feel able to tell his father that he was victimized sexually by a woman, regardless of what the alternative explanation might be. His Dad may be a traditional guy who would not understand that a man can be raped by a woman, or may your husband may view him in that way. Or as Mark suggests, this may be a matter of his self-image. My own take on this, admittedly on the basis of meager information, is that your husband seems to be very confused as to what to make of the whole problem. However way he cuts the cake, he ends up with a piece he doesn't like or doesn't want to be on his plate.
Hope this has been of some help and I hope it doesn't look too mechanical. I was just trying to divide things up into points I could talk about separately, even though sure, they are all linked.