Stefan,



I bet every other teenager here will say "Me too!" to how you feel, Stefan. It's part of that feeling of being totally exposed to harm and maybe even discovery of what happened to you.

And not just the other teens. This topic comes up here from time to time on the site and the replies are pretty unanimous. I'll just say here that when I was a teenager in the USA years ago we had to change for gym and shower in a big common changing room and that scared me to death. I was so absolutely certain that somehow someone would just look at me and be able to tell what was happening to me. I felt so obvious.

Much love,
Larry

Roadrunner;

The introduction to "if the man you loved was abused" covers that completely hence his "HMMMM!" sound. I took that as a good sign.

fyi- yesterday i purchased the book you recommended by Mr. Lew, I had it mailed home but to my b/f. I hope I didn't overstep, by doing that, but then again without me he said he wouldn't be doing this. If he puts the book in his hand that's another step in my eyes.

Thank you all for your comments, you help me be strong every day for him.

always,
Kelly

I guess I kind of lived in extremes...

as a young kid I always wore underwear - even under my PJ's (we were checked to make sure we were in PJ's - to be caught in bed in street clothes would have been a VERY bad thing - it only happened a couple of times) - and even that was'nt enough layers for protection as I'd often be found in the morning to be rolled up tightly in whatever coverings were on my bed (or sometimes even found rolled up under the bed)(my dad has laughed about it in telling stories of us kids to his friends)

for some reason though when i hit my teens I did'nt want anything touching my skin - nothing at all - or i could'nt sleep

I don't really know why that change happened?

Now as an adult I seem to flip back and forth between the two...

Larry - just got to say that your last reply to Stefan hit me REALLY hard as it was in one of those commons showers that the other boys found out about the physical abuse - it was easy to litteraly "see" it - no way to hide it in there - God, how I hated those showers after that...

TJ jeff

TJ jeff,

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I can just imagine how you felt and I hope you're making progress on those old wounds. They hurt as bad as the physical and sexual ones, don't they?

Much love,
Larry

TJ Jeff,

Yea...don't ya really wonder why the shift? I do...

I went through a stage where I couldn't even wear a ring or a watch...and sleep. From sleeping fully cothed as a kid...to not being able to sleep with anything...well, hmm...maybe not that weird uh?

Anyway, yea...when my wife is in bed with me I lay perfectly still...but when she isn't...she usually ends up laughing at me because I literally get all twisted up in the covers...and I am all over the bed.


:-)


Dave

i'm just the opposite. in the bed alone i don't move at all.


m

TJ jeff,

It was interesting to see where you quit liking to wear clothing to bed. I am the same way, and at times feel like I am the weird one here at MS. I cannot stand any clothing on me at all when I sleep. It feels as if someone is holding me down or pinning me to the bed. I will wake up in a panick if I get wrapped in the sheets. My ex used to have to wake me up because I would be screaming in my sleep.

Showers were tough, but I made myself take them with the guys. We surfed and lived on the beach most of the afternoons when school was out. We had no modesty around each other. I trusted these guys, as opposed to the ones in my youth. After I was raped, I had to force myself to undress in front of the others in order to keep them from becoming suspicious. (Why is Rich so modest all the sudden?) It was all part of the cover up for me. If I became modest in the showers or elsewhere, they would all "know".

Weird how SA affects each of us differently, even down to what we wear or dont wear to bed.

This thread hit me in a couple of ways.

When I was very young, pajamas were required bedtime apparel, and we were not allowed to wear underwear underneath. I did anyway, and when Larry mentioned that as kids, some of the worst feelings we experienced were when our underwear was being pulled down, I can suddenly relate to that in a way I can't quite describe yet. That sentence was a mild trigger for me, I guess, and now I need to find out why.

When I was a teenager, I always wore regular shorts over my underwear and a T-shirt to bed. As soon as I moved out of the house, I stopped wearing the shorts over my underwear, but I wear a T-shirt to bed to this day. The reason for the T-Shirt is obvious, I think. My mom always made a point to ridicule me about my physique, and even when I was a runner/sprinter/basketball player in high school, I was very conscious of the way my upper body looked. To this day, I won't be seen in public without a shirt. Ever.

As far as locker rooms go, I never had any issues there. However, I was witness to some pretty nasty locker room hazing incidents when I was in junior high. At this point, I don't like to think or talk about them much.

Bryan

Rich,

That is exactly the feeling that led to the switch in my teens - though i don't have any memory of being pinned to the bed

Bryan,

yeah - I hear ya on that one!!!

Very interesting thread. Amazing how many survivors admit to doing this. My H has done this some too, most noticeably in the last yr. I thought maybe he was just overtired, but it is strange how he would have his jeans and shirt on, still all dressed, even his watch!, and so maybe it is a csa issue since it just started happening within the past yr when all this began to resurface. It is amazing again how much survivors have in common, down to such seemingly innocuous things.