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#171184 - 08/05/07 07:13 PM First Post
waz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 10
Hi All,

This is my first posting on here and I thought I would put my thoughts down. If it doesn't make a lot of sense then sorry. Other than the fact that its freezing and my hands are cold. Yes, yes I should put the heater on. Much of what I read here I see myself nodding my head and thinking the same thing its also a good feeling to think that people are not alone.

My victimization came when I was about 11 years old with the then scout leader of the local troup. Up to that point I remember being happy with enjoying so many outdoor sports. I look now at the certificates I still have when I was that age and still think how different I could be if it hadn't happened. The problem continued for about a year to eventually I didn't know how to deal with it so I wrote my parents a letter. He was dismissed from the scouts but nothing more was ever said about it.

This was about 30 years ago now. Over the years I had thought about it and hoped that it would go away over time. However for the last year I seem not to be able to get it out of my mind. Part of it I think is that that my father is very ill at the moment with alzeimers and parkinsons and I don't think he has too much longer to live. So emotionally I am probably more vunerable than before. I have been married for over 10 years now and I love and adore my wife. We have never had kids and I wonder now whether the issues of the past is part of the reason that we have never had them, as well that it never got dealt with. I have mentioned it to her and she is aware of the problem and has been very supportive.

For the first time ever the other month I mentioned it to 2 people - 2 people that I feel very close to. One was a long term friend of mine for 20 years and he said to me it explained a lot about my personality over the years he has known me. The other person was interesting. I have only known him for about 7 years through work and I feel like we have got quite close over time and we have shared many experiences together. He is 15 years younger than me as well. I watch and admire his confidence and the way as a person he is. I think part of me wonders whether I would of been like him if what had happened - hadn't. We are interested in some similar things and I have tended to confide in him some things of my personal life. However he is a strong believer in men shouldn't talk about personal issues and they should be kept inside. Perhaps when I was his age I probably believed the same thing. Over time I have started to think that the way to know a person is to understand the person and what drives them forward. I think in his case it was a mistake to tell him now because we are drifting apart. It brings a great deal of sadness to me as emotionally it took a lot for me to talk about it in the first place.

I have thought about talking with Mum about what happened as I see from reading this has brought some closure to people. However I worry about the fact she is so stressed with Dad that from her sake it wouldnt be the best idea.

Anyway I decided to put these thoughts down and see what people think.


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#171190 - 08/05/07 07:23 PM Re: First Post [Re: waz]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Waz - you've just done the most amazing thing that you can do for yourself! You've opened up to a whole group of men that understand how you feel, and what the impact of that can be!

You will find nothing but support here, and I hope you find some of the answers you need!

Sometimes it's a little slow on weekends, but someone nearly always pops up here just when you need them!

You can't do anything about the reactions of others in 'the real world', but maybe your 'quiet' friend has similar issues that he is not ready to deal with himself. It's good that you have a supportive wife. 'What if' is a question that we all ask ourselves, and it is one that could drive us mad.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#171193 - 08/05/07 07:31 PM Re: First Post [Re: waz]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
First of I just want to say welcome!
There's lots of people here who can offer a lot of great advice and well, just understand you.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#171197 - 08/05/07 07:35 PM Re: First Post [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Waz,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I was also abused by a Scout leader and there's at least one other guy here who knows what this was like. I'm sure you will find a lot of understanding and support here and I'm glad you found us.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#171210 - 08/05/07 08:25 PM Re: First Post [Re: RICK57]
waz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: RICK57


You can't do anything about the reactions of others in 'the real world', but maybe your 'quiet' friend has similar issues that he is not ready to deal with himself. It's good that you have a supportive wife. 'What if' is a question that we all ask ourselves, and it is one that could drive us mad.


Hey Rik,
Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I have certainly found that of late that I am reaching out to at least people that I feel close to and perhaps that is the reason that I told these 2 friends of mine in the first place. I think part of me just needs a good friend - one that I can rely on, he doesn't necessarily need to understand but at least he can appreciate that things have happened that were out of some sort of my control. I suspect that my 'quiet' friend maybe has some issues himself and maybe that is the reason I am drawn to him. Either way I will stick by him. Now and again there are moments where he lets something out about himself and certainly those moments are worth remembering. When hes ignoring me it just drives me crazy.

Either way its good to be on board here and all your support is very much appreciated.


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#171211 - 08/05/07 08:33 PM Re: First Post [Re: roadrunner]
waz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 10
Hey Larry,

Thanks for your message and understanding. I am sure that you can really understand my situation. What annoys me is that I used to love the things that I joined scouts for in the first place. So many things over the years now lost the meaning they did for me in the in the past. Part of me now as an adult wishes to take on those things I used to love and try once again. Perhap's that is what draws me to my 'quiet' friend as he is certainly interested in some of those things. However I suspect that the fact at some deep level my unwillingness to do anything about it is preventing me from taking up that challenge.

I suppose only time will tell. Just somehow I can't see my wife too thrilled about camping. But I suppose that is all part of the healing process itself.

Thanks again for your support.


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#171214 - 08/05/07 08:42 PM Re: First Post [Re: waz]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
welcome-------------------waz---------------------glad you found this site---------------there is a lot of good healing here--------------------------------------steve


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#171220 - 08/05/07 08:55 PM Re: First Post [Re: sabata]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
waz,

Welcome to our circle. Come on it, pull up a chair and tell us about yourself when you feel comfortable doing so. Till then, grab a warm cup of cocoa and warm up those hands!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#171226 - 08/05/07 08:59 PM Re: First Post [Re: sabata]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Waz,

I second Rik and Larry's welcome and encourage you to become a member of the family. I'm glad you were able to open up to your friends, and the one who pulled away may need some of your support in return for the onus you have placed on him... Find a place where you can talk to him sincerely, and let him know that you don't want anything from him, except his friendship. Who knows what you may have triggered inside him, and you should assure him that you only want his friendship. Perhaps that will put him at ease...

I wish you the best and hope to read more of your posts...

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#171249 - 08/05/07 11:08 PM Re: First Post [Re: Lazarus]
waz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 10
Guys,

Thankyou so much again for all your welcome. It certainly is giving me all sorts of encouragment that my decision to post here was not a mistake.

John - Hands are warm now.. The sun is out. I will get my chair in position as well.

I suppose now is the hard part. When its out you now have to deal with it and look at the person you have become because of it.


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