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#188959 - 10/27/07 08:26 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi BH,

You and I have similar problems in trying to get our guys to read or think about things we think they should embrace. I resist, 99% of the time, sending him anything from this or any other site because the moment he sees a link, it instantaneously shuts down his brain and sends him to a place he doesn't want to be. This happens often enough without my intervention so the last thing I want to do is be the cause of it. That said, there are times I read something that I find so important, I want to share it with him. This article was one of those things and this is the e-mail I sent to him.


Quote:
Hey baby,

I'm not sending you a link to MS because I know that it upsets you when I do, so, I've copied and pasted this article that one of the guys posted. It's long and should be read only when or if you feel ready to read it. It's not triggering, I don't think, except of course for the subject matter. I see so many of your behaviors and ideas and things you've said to me described and explained. It was of great help to me and I think it could explain alot of your feelings to you because I know so much about yourself is confusing and frustrating even to you.

Again, read it only when you feel you can.

I love you and I'll see you tomorrow - Trish

PS: It also explains why I believe!


The response I got was please don't send me e-mails like this! It was said calmly but firmly and he had a very valid and understandable reason. When he gets an e-mail, he's usually working (yes, this could even be at 1:00 in the morning - he's a workaholic). If he sees an e-mail like this, he's pulled away from the important work he was doing and can't function for some time because he has to re-group.

The positive was that he understands why I've sent him information and he appreciates my efforts, BUT please, please please, if there is something I want him to read, print it, give it to him and ask him to read it. He promised he would. What the point of this? I don't know, I think I got caught up in a story Oh yeah, presentation. My guy has now told me exactly what to do and what not to do so now I've got a leg up. I'm still going to resist giving him anything, most of the time, because he's just not ready, but when I find something irresistible, now I know what to do.

Do you think a similar explanation may apply to your husband? Can you explain to him that you'd like to give him something to read and contemplate because it's important to you? Maybe if he thinks he's helping you, he'll inadvertently help himself.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#188999 - 10/28/07 02:01 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: Trish4850]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Brokenhearted, and Trish, and all,
What you describe as us survivors who are hard to reach...or gain access to...is very true. Part of it, I suppose, is the sense of secrecy, the use of denial we employ for years in order to pocket away the pain.

You asked how long it took to begin to deal, and if it was easier once the recovery began. I did something that sounds much like your husband...I disclosed to my wife 17 years ago, but didn't allow her to talk to me about it. I refused to believe that it was affecting me...which was a huge lie of self defense?, or hiding from her?...I don't know. But, the result was that I was angry at her any time she brought it up. Oh, I was so wrong to do that to her. She WAS suffering. It DID affect us both...in huge ways. So, now, 42 years after my abuse ended, I am finally dealing with it. And, I have included her in everything. I've spilled all the beans. And it has been so frightenly ugly. So painful. So hurtful to her and me.

So, when she wants to talk, she has had to come to realize that I get flooded after a while. I can only do so much talking in one sitting. I have to have isolation time. But, I know we DO have to to talk. So, for example, I've shared this article with her. And, we're taking it slow...talking a bit at a time about what it means.

I went to the weekend of recovery retreat last weekend and I unloaded everything...a huge number of issues. Although they were shocked that I put so much on the table, my small group was so helpful to me, as were the therapists. And, I came away from that event realizing that I cannot possibly solve 42 years worth of pain in any short amount of time. So....my wife, again, was correct. She told me me that I have to work on the abuse first. Then, the sexuality issues, the marriage issues, the relationship issues, the work issues, the God/faith issues, etc. (Yes, I have a lot of stuff to deal with.) \:\)

Regarding your men and their willingness or lack of willingness to read things you're sending them, I wish I could say there is an easy way to approach them. I've been through that with my wife as well...she has read dozens of self-help books that I have refused to read. I simply have a really tough time with non-fiction reading. But, I have, FINALLY, read three books on male childhood sexual abuse, and they have been an amazing help to me in the past six months. So, keep listening to your men, and giving them the space, and keep trying when the opportunity is there to share some things...in small amounts, maybe. But, best of all is talk...in small amounts at first. I know we all want this pain to end as soon as possible, but we do have time. We must take the time. We cannot use pressure. It will never work.

Bless you all,
Russ/REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#189018 - 10/28/07 06:21 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: trusty]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you Russ,

That was beautifully stated and helpful. You know what's funny? not in a funny haha kind of way, but in an odd way. When I tell other's "in the know" that my b/f is still in such a dark place after two years of therapy, they look at me, and sometimes actually say, that something is wrong with him and me. I faced that at the conference this weekend from a woman who is a therapist and should absolutely know better! It's very disconcerting to realize that I, as nothing more than your average woman who finds herself in a very complicated situation, knows more and has more empathy than a "professional." This is certainly not true of all or even most, but it's out there and the realization is like a stinging slap to the face.

It's the men and women I communicate with here who provide me with the most insights and support and understanding and hope than just about anyone I've met in real life. I can't thank you all enough for that.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189024 - 10/28/07 08:19 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: Trish4850]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Trish,
If we all wrote the incredibly insensitive, or even outright stupid things that we have heard from the mouths of some therapists, we could fill a huge amount of space on this website.

My favorite idiotic thing was a therapist who asked me if my abuse felt good. Then, he said..."Don't worry about it...why don't you find a fishing buddy to have sex with once a week...you're wife doesn't need to know."

Let's face it...there are incompetent people in every profession.

Hang tough!
Much Love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#189953 - 11/04/07 05:25 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: trusty]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thank you for the article, I found it most informative esp. the parts about being hyper sensitive and empathic. Feeling somehow different from others has been there most my life. This article helped me understand a lot.
peace&love
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

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#189954 - 11/04/07 05:25 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: trusty]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thank you for the article, I found it most informative esp. the parts about being hyper sensitive and empathic. Feeling somehow different from others has been there most my life. This article helped me understand a lot.
peace&love
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

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#353759 - 02/15/11 02:48 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: GateKPR4]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Took me some reasearch to figure out, I have been feeling kind of "Stockholm*ish" as of late.

Anywho, I ran into this article on Page 1...(and thought it was good).

I am bumping it for the benefit of others...


Home Sweet Home (Motley Crue)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#353770 - 02/15/11 04:24 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: 1islandboy]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Thanks for posting this article, it's superb.

Trish, thanks for sharing your story about mailing your partner things like this. I myself was about to put this in a mail, but reading your posting made me aware that I really shouldn't do that.
So I'll print this article out and just give it to my partner and let him read whenever he's ready for it.


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#353983 - 02/17/11 06:47 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: Shawushka]
elshaneo Offline


Registered: 02/07/11
Posts: 10
Loc: Canada
Thanks so much for bumping this. It was amazing to read. I had quite a few OMG moments when things just clicked and made sense.

I almost cried when I read this. This is SO me:

"The child quickly learns three vital lessons:

That they are powerless to escape from abuse once the scenario begins.
That they are powerless to prevent the abuse from happening permanently, and
That no one is going to 'rescue' them."

_________________________
I've been very well acquainted with the fact that there's evil in the world but I work every day to believe that there's an equal amount of goodness out there.

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#365679 - 07/08/11 05:26 PM Re: Why can't I get on with my life? [Re: elshaneo]
loved1forever Offline


Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 15
The article on the first page is so insightful and well written. Seems like it would be of great benefit to both survivors and family/friends. I really want to share with my H and Im hoping it would help at this point (no T yet, and not much willingness to talk). Im worried hes at that cut your losses state again and getting ready to run once more because he doesnt understand whats happening to him and can see the hurt around him. That would be absolutely devastating at this stage, after everything weve gone through over the years. I wonder if any survivors here who have not yet sought therapy, found this article helpful?
Peace and courage to carry on,
L1F


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