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#17065 - 09/01/06 09:03 PM a simple question ?????
for the love ofsnoopy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/05/06
Posts: 4
Loc: new jersey
Im not sure how to ask this , but here it goes is there anyone who has ever chatted with another guy about having sex with the guy you are chatting with. knowing You dont want to have sex with him but,you think you have a need to feel like your in charge of a sexual situation, so time and time again you chat making different guys think you want them to have sex with you. using this as way to get back at your brother for sexaully abusing you when you were a child and you think this is a way of trying to regain some sort of control or power over events in your life


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#17067 - 09/02/06 05:03 AM Re: a simple question ?????
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
yes check what you asked, it is not clear.

hope you are doing well snoopy lover.

you too Zen

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#17068 - 09/02/06 06:43 AM Re: a simple question ?????
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi (for the love ofsnoopy), do you mean that they were asking you questions that made you uncomfortable? As in panic?

When I was new here, one of the guys invited me to chat, and we talked about sexual fantasies. I think that he was trying to determine if I was gay or not. He was not coming on to me. But the questions were coming fast in chat, and it triggered my homophobia feeling. I went quickly from comfortable to uncomfortable, and was heading towards panic. Luckily the wife called me to supper, so I had to break the chat.
I did a post on it, I'll see if I can find it, and bump it up for you.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#17069 - 09/02/06 11:40 AM Re: a simple question ?????
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i guess if something makes you uncomfortable -
like talking to someone about sex - or sexual abuse -

or if they start going off on a really hurtful tangent -

like - there is this restaurant chef/owner closeby here - who once made a really stupid allusion to CSA - as a joke -

I nearly threw my plate at him -

but - tell that person - whatever the topic -

"please let's change it" - "it really is something that - I am triggered by"

if they pry - which so many do - to get info and just hear - you can say something that say "no" to him - like " please respect my request - truly"
or you can say "right now is not a good time"

- just tell him - because he may not know -

does this make sense?

if he doesn't listen to your 'no'

just change the subject -

seems weird but it's important to keep yourself
safe - and take care

m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#17070 - 09/02/06 11:42 AM Re: a simple question ?????
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA


_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#17071 - 09/15/06 02:34 AM Re: a simple question ?????
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Snoopy has asked me to paraphrase his question. He was wondering if anyone had the experience of using chat rooms or the internet to solicit sex with other men only to get them interested but not follow through?

His thought is that he does this sometimes to get someone interested but this time he is in control by not showing up. He feels it may be related to his inability as a kid to control the abuse when his older brother acted out on him.

Your thoughts/comments?
Ken


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#17072 - 09/15/06 03:54 AM Re: a simple question ?????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Thank you Ken....

Snoopy,

I have done this in the past. I would surf chat rooms till I found a guy and/or guys that were either close enough I know enough about the area to be able to talk about places or in the place where I grew up for the same reasons. This made me feel in controll I controled it all. The topic, the times we would chat, the place we were to "met"... all of this knowing all the long I was not about to get out and met up with a strange man. Once the meeting was set up and I didnt show up I would just block this person from IM'ing me and move on to the next one.

Hope this helps, as for it relating to my abuse..I am very sure it comes from that I had ZERO control over my life as a child so this gave me a feeling of being in contorl over something in my life.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#17073 - 09/15/06 05:05 AM Re: a simple question ?????
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Snoopy, James,

The issue of control is important for kids, isn't it? It's not just that we wanted to be "in charge", we wanted our needs and feelings to matter - and they didn't.

Just today I put it to my T in another way: "It felt like my body didn't belong to me anymore." And my T replied: "But Larry, in fact it DIDN'T belong to you anymore. Your abuser could violate you any way he wanted and at any time."

Once we think of these dimensions it's easy to see why regaining control is a huge part of acting out.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#17074 - 09/15/06 01:59 PM Re: a simple question ?????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Larry,

It's hard some times when a T puts it out there so black and white isnt it? I have found other ways to have control in my life (can't say it's any better) but now I over work. I tell people I work from dark to darker. I over achive at work in order to get promoted to the next level. This not only gives me a feeling of being in control (after all I am the boss) but it also valadates me (ok so shouldnt use work to do that but thats where I am for now in my life) as a person. I was told all my life I would never amount to anything, I was worthless. But look at me now...a high school drop out..an exdrug aditc (sp?)....just look at me....I am a manager for a fortune 500 company in training to become a Market Manager which will put me over 4 to 9 stores depending on the size of my market. All of this in under 2 years with this company.

Snoopy...I hope that the replys you get from this help you some small way. Please keep asking questions as you need too. We are here to help eachother and support eachother.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#17075 - 09/16/06 10:43 AM Re: a simple question ?????
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Snoopy,

I can not say that I have ever done this. But I can see it being a 'controlled acting out' behavior. Something as that you are in control of the situation, both mentally and sexually, even with having no intent to go through with this. All of us have done some kind of coping skill that is not positive for us. Yours just seems to come with a safety distance that makes it somewhat better then going out and actually having sexual relations with all of these people.

However, 'sex' is not who you are or what you are about. You are of more worth and value then just what you can do in that arena. So perhaps, like most negative coping, this has come toward an end for you? If you are asking questions if others have done this also, are you not feeling satisfied that this is something good or working for you? If that is the situation, I hope you can try seeking something more positively affirming to yourself. You are more then 'sex'.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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