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#170573 - 08/02/07 06:00 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: roadrunner]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I have to agree with Larry... everytime I come here I re-live all sorts of emotions that I wish I didn't have.

Wishing I didn't have these feelings has never made them go away, though. Not in almost 40 years.

Sometimes the medicine is bitter and hard to swallow, especially if you're not even sure it's going to work. Opening up Pandora's Box is a painful thing to do...

Two things that I can say for sure, looking from hindsight; First, it gets easier and less painful each time we do it, and secondly, given the choice of having travelled this road or not, I am sure that I would be much worse off if I had taken another route; denial and supressing my feelings only made things worse.

Hope you can find your way through all this...

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#170575 - 08/02/07 06:06 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: Lazarus]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ric,

Good observation:

Originally Posted By: Lazarus
everytime I come here I re-live all sorts of emotions that I wish I didn't have.

Wishing I didn't have these feelings has never made them go away, though. Not in almost 40 years.


Exactly. We can hide everything and pretend it isn't there, but it IS there! It will continue to harm us and hijack our lives while as we pretend nothing is wrong. What kind of life is that?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#170582 - 08/02/07 06:46 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
I'm not recovered, not by a long shot, but I feel like a new person

Larry,

Having talked to you, read your posts, and now hearing you're "not recovered" - maybe there is a reason. Maybe the further we go the better it gets ... easier maybe ...

I can't say this has turned me around ... but it's sure given me a reason for hope.

M


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#170585 - 08/02/07 06:52 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11047
Loc: Denver, CO
Mark,

I'm going to reply without reading other replies. I have found that recovery is a process. I don't know how else to define it. I've had times when things got worse before they got better, and this is because the issues are in the forefront instead of shelved or on the back burner. Believe me when I say that on the other side of the pain is feeling freed. I've been down this road. Does that mean I still don't have issues? No. Does it mean I've arrived? No. But I can say that certain issues are no longer eating away at my heart and soul.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#170587 - 08/02/07 06:54 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: FormerTexan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
But I can say that certain issues are no longer eating away at my heart and soul.

and i want that so very much.
the more i try
the more my muscles lock up
my stomach burns
my lungs can't catch up
my eyes ache as if i've been crying for weeks
and i haven't shed a tear

i so much just want a little release


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#170594 - 08/02/07 08:00 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
I'm really torn now...

I got into recovery, hard, fifteen years ago. It nearly killed me. I remembered things that didn't happen. I confronted my family over them. Nobody in therapy or groups ever reality-checked me -- nobody ever told me to hit the brakes. I ended up suicidal and knew people who ended up in worse shape than I was. No light at the end of their tunnel--just more tunnel.

I really believe that dropping therapy, slamming the doors, throwing out my journal and living in the present, saved my life. These have been good years, and I'm stronger and ready to try again to deal with real issues in my past and present. I've been keeping a journal again, sharing with trusted friends, and opening up here. It's been helpful and opened my heart and mind a lot.

But I don't think I'll ever "dive in" again. I doubt I'll ever set foot in a therapist's office again unless I have to. I will never believe again that pain is recovery! I will remember that sometimes, there are questions that remain unanswered for a reason--sometimes your defenses do exactly what they're supposed to do, and "healing" that ruins your life is just another abuse.

Opening up about what really happened to me has helped deepen my friendships and relationships now, today. But if my "recovery" ever stops doing that and starts hurting me; if I can't get out of bed, or do my job, or enjoy my friends, I have the right to back away.

I really don't know which side of that fence I'm on now.


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#170610 - 08/02/07 08:50 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MemoryVault]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
well for me--------------i am a lot better off now than say 6 years ago-----------------my mind is clearer------------i can handle some things better---------------i even like myself ----------as to hating myself-----------------------sure i get pitfalls------------------yet i can deal with them better-------------and they dont overwelm me as much----------------i dont have my sucidal thoughts.........bad depression.......any more-------ike i am living in hell all of the time------------------i can see the blue sky------------hear the birds sing----------get enjoyment out of little things in life----------------i feel its defently worth it-----------------and there is no going back----------------for me-------------------------steve


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#170616 - 08/02/07 09:02 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MemoryVault]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Mark...

I had surgery on both my hands two years ago...the second about ten days after the first.

The second surgery went badly...they forgot the anesthetic...which sounds maybe wosre than it was...but I was highly motivated because I had felt the discomfort for most of my life...was misdiagnosed, and told that there was absolutely nothing they could do about it.

I went into it with nothing more than the Orthapedic Specialist's opinion that my life would significantly improve because of the surgeries.

I had my non-dominant hand done first, ten days later I had my other hand done.

It sucked.

For the first several weeks I could not open any door...the first several days zippers and buttons were out of the question. My hands were both bandaged and I had to rely on my wife to do very basic things for me.

But the end result is just amazing to me...absolutely amazing. No more pain that I had lived with for well over forty years. It was and remains to be gone.

This process of taking everything out...putting it under a magnifying glass sucks...it hurts...it is painful it is incredibly hard...but for me it has been so worth it.

Every single relationship I have is changed through this process. Every one. Fifteen years ago my therapist asked..."What do you want out of this experience?" I simply responded by saying, "I want to be real."


It is hard...the most difficult thing I have ever done.

It does change, evolve...you have come this far.


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#170638 - 08/02/07 10:32 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: roadrunner]
tresheridas Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/05/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Utah
I'm 65, Markk, and I didn't recover the realization of my abuse until a couple of years ago. And I can still tell you, for sure, the journey is worth it.

In years, you're getting an early start dealing with the abuse itself.

On the other hand, I've been in therapy off and on since a near-suicide in my early twenties - I just didn't know that the abuse was the cause of my abysmal life.

The therapy helped me stay alive and even achieve a law degree and a legal career. Still, I struggled with dysfunctional, self-sabotaging behavior. Finally, a couple of years ago, I recovered the realization of the violent abuse I suffered. I believe I was working toward that moment of realization all my life, just dealing with the little demons until I could finally face the mother of them all.

Even with all that behind me, when the realization came, the pain and pure rage were indescribable.

But the previous therapy, I know, helped me when I went back to therapy again, this time to deal with the knowledge of my mother's violent sexual abuse of me.

Markk, I can tell you it is worth it. I can tell you I would have gone through every awful minute of it, just to feel like I do now.

Not only am I not a piece of worthless shit - my God, I am precious. I am worthy of love and I am loved. And I love the baby who survived that abuse and the little boy and the bullied teen-ager and the young adult and all of the "me's" who kept hanging in there even when suicide seemed the only decent thing to do.

If I had known that I would have one minute - even one second - feeling like I do now, I would have gone through every bit of it.

I tell you, my brother whom I've never met, you can't believe how good it's gonna get.

You hang in there, brother, no matter what. You just hang in there and keep fighting. The demons will get weaker and weaker.

And, one day, you'll think, "Damn! It's true. I am precious!"

Even then, there'll be more work to do. But you'll never forget that moment and you'll know that it will come again and again and stay longer each time.

You're tough, man, or you wouldn't even be here.

No matter what, you hang in there.

_________________________
Tres

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#170650 - 08/02/07 11:36 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: roadrunner]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
I can really relate to what Rik and Roadrunner have to say, Mark. (Thanks guys).

I have been working on this stuff heavily for almost 4 years now. Like Rik said, even though I had never really dealth with it, it was always there taking me down slowly anyway.

It has been a very long road for me, but from where I was during my 2 nervous breakdowns (especially the second one -- Oh my Gosh) to where I am now, I can say that I am much better. Because of that, I had not been how for quite a long time. However, I have noticed a marked, unforeseen regression in my condition over the past year and I am paying attention to it. That's why I recently started coming back here and why I am here often. It looks like I still have a lot of work to do and I am doing it, including still seeing my therapist.

With that said, I can still agree with Rik and Roadrunner... It does get better. It does. Would I want to go back? Not a chance.

Hang in there. You know that we care about you.


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