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#170538 - 08/02/07 02:34 PM recovery is worse
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
doesn't recovery imply that things get better?
my group tried to warn me that as i work on things to be prepared for the down-spirals.
nothing could prepare me for this
i can practically taste the fury that boils in me
i don't want to be alone
i don't trust my temper around people
i am violated and furious
i HATE how this feels

i'm beginning to think it was better before i started the "road to recovery".

m


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#170539 - 08/02/07 02:47 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
things will get better-----------------hang in there-------------------------this recovery thing is worth it-------------------just today i left work-----------went home early-----------due to my fury and anger-------------------i know i have some issues to deal with------------------you arent alone----------------work touard the future------------------take care-----------------steve


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#170543 - 08/02/07 03:04 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Mark,

I remember feeling much like you do as I was deep into my initial discovery. I used to compare my experience to running down a dark corridor as fast as I could, not being able to see what was ahead of me. Then, someone would open an unseen door which I would crash into, leaving me laying on the floor, bleeding, in pain, etc, as a new memory of my abuse would come flooding into my mind. Once I recovered, then I would start running again, full well knowing there would be another door I would hit, another memory, and the need to do it all over again.

My therapist used to say your on a journey, you may be only at step two or three with a total of ten steps being required to complete the trip. You want the pain to end now but it won't until you complete the whole journey. It sucks, I know but what is the alternative??????

She used to say: the process of therapy is like taking two steps forward and one back. That certainly was my experience and even though I have made dramatic progress, I still have issues to work out. Am I happier and more functional? No doubt about it. As, you will be when you do the work that is required.

It took a lot of courage and strength to have made it as far as you did. Build on that foundation, pay the price that needs to be paid and the gain will be well worth the effort.

I think it is great that you have reached out to others and I suspect you will get lots of encouragement from others of us who care.

I wish you well.

Ron


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#170544 - 08/02/07 03:08 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Mark,

I remember feeling much like you do as I was deep into my initial discovery. I used to compare my experience to running down a dark corridor as fast as I could, not being able to see what was ahead of me. Then, someone would open an unseen door which I would crash into, leaving me laying on the floor, bleeding, in pain, etc, as a new memory of my abuse would come flooding into my mind. Once I recovered, then I would start running again, full well knowing there would be another door I would hit, another memory, and the need to do it all over again.

My therapist used to say your on a journey, you may be only at step two or three with a total of ten steps being required to complete the trip. You want the pain to end now but it won't until you complete the whole journey. It sucks, I know but what is the alternative??????

She used to say: the process of therapy is like taking two steps forward and one back. That certainly was my experience and even though I have made dramatic progress, I still have issues to work out. Am I happier and more functional? No doubt about it. As, you will be when you do the work that is required.

It took a lot of courage and strength to have made it as far as you did. Build on that foundation, pay the price that needs to be paid and the gain will be well worth the effort.

I think it is great that you have reached out to others and I suspect you will get lots of encouragement from others of us who care.

I wish you well.

Ron


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#170545 - 08/02/07 03:15 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: Barney]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hi, Mark

I'm doing that kind of figuring out now...

Okay. I'm 40. I may live another 40 years. My life isn't bad...kind of numb, unfulfilling, some bouts of depression. A 6 on a scale of 10, but I can live with it.

Is it worth it to dive into that swamp and go through, say, five years of misery, in the hopes that the last 35 years get to a 7 or 8 out of ten?

Is the cure worse than the disease?

So many "I'm falling apart" posts here, and so few "my life is much better now" posts...it's scaring the hell out of me.

Any chance of "recovery-lite"?



Edited by MemoryVault (08/02/07 03:16 PM)

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#170551 - 08/02/07 03:54 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MemoryVault]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: MemoryVault
So many "I'm falling apart" posts here, and so few "my life is much better now" posts...it's scaring the hell out of me.

that i can almost qualify by saying more people complain than those who don't ... or the fact this is a site for helping people - so there are naturally more who need help ...

if you're 40, and will live another 40 ... i'm 51 - if I take your top age of 80 - five years of misery ... i'm left with 24 years. So i really understand your question of "is it worth it?"

real question - "can i continue where i am?"
that's easier to answer.
"no"

so now - what's the solution? either continue on - or start trying to stuff the 10,000 elephant back into the 3x5 paper envelope...


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#170553 - 08/02/07 03:58 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
anyway90 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 148
i am 17.It sounds like a really boastful thing like mygod that is young etc.But who knows.I may be like that till 80.Might be even worse.



Edited by anyway90 (08/02/07 03:59 PM)

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#170554 - 08/02/07 04:08 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: anyway90]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
possibly. might be better. and you have time to find out. but it has posed some interesting information...
5 years out of a possible 63 is just less than 8% spent recovering.
5 years out of a possible 24 is closer to 21% spent recovering.
... 1/5
leaving 4/5 as "recovered"

....

same numbers, different vantage point ...

but who am i kidding. i can't get past the fury. i start thinking there's a way out and the fires rage fresh.


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#170558 - 08/02/07 04:46 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MarkK]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Mark - the downwards spirals are terrible. It's worth going through though.

Until I dealt with the abuse, it was always there just pulling me down and I didn't even realise it!

It's about 3.5 years since I really started dealing with it now, after decades of not dealing with it.

There are still down days, but they do not in any way compare with the downward spirals I used to experience.

At one time I very nearly jumped off a bridge - I didn't, I crossed it instead! I think that's what we all do here, cross the bridge to healing. It might be a rickety old bridge, but it's possible too cross it! Sometimes when we cross that bridge, there is a torrent raging underneath it, and that makes us fearful! Just as that torrent can calm down, so can our lives!

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#170561 - 08/02/07 05:14 PM Re: recovery is worse [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

This problem of dealing with the early stages of recovery is a really important one. We get so many guys here on the site who hang around for awhile and then they're gone. My own take on this is that they're thinking of what David has in mind when he makes this observation:

Originally Posted By: MemoryVault
So many "I'm falling apart" posts here, and so few "my life is much better now" posts...it's scaring the hell out of me.


I can tell you, like Rik does, that yes, it gets a whole LOT better. Perhaps guys who are further down the road don't post as much, and well, some of them feel they can manage things now and they don't need this place anymore, so they leave. If that's how they feel then that's what they should do.

But once we begin to look at things I don't think we can ever really go back. Would any of us want to live a life of confusion and denial, once we know that's what it is? Certainly recovery is rough at the beginning, and for a long time after that - and it's not an easy ride even later. It's also a task that's not a do-it-yourself project; we need professional help with this one.

But you know what? It's a great thing to discover that you really ARE a good man and have a lot to offer, that all the feelings you used to have about yourself are false, and that the things done to you years ago are not your fault and nothing for YOU to be ashamed of. I'm not recovered, not by a long shot, but I feel like a new person - the guy I always was but was never able to show. That's a wonderful thing to experience, and it never gets old, let me tell you.

Is it worth it? Absolutely. Would I ever go back? No way.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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