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#170445 - 08/02/07 04:11 AM .
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
.



Edited by BJK (02/09/08 12:55 PM)
_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#170446 - 08/02/07 05:27 AM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
shining_light Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 22
Wow!

I am new to this forum. In fact it the first forum I have found on sexual abuse.

I hope it will be productive for me and everyone here.

I wanted to respond to your post -- I'm glad you said the truth. I have also gone through sexual abuse, only I remember mine very well.

Yes, I am susceptible to arousal in the way you mentioned -- and it is quite ruining my life. How could I feel comfortable getting married and having children of my own. Something like this is so difficult to change.

But I think with the help of faith in God I am slowly overcoming it and other related issues (self-esteem).

Will write more when the time is right.


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#170455 - 08/02/07 07:08 AM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: shining_light]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
BJK,


This is not about "who you are" but rather "what was done to you."

My experiences started at three...petting the cat gives me an erection and there is obviously no reasonable outcome possible there, no matter how you look at it. It happens when anyone touches me.

However odd it may sound or seem...as I explained it to my T, he said very simply, "Next time it happens, just say to yourself, Well, isn't that interesting!" Which may seem completely ridiculous and I am certainly not trying to minimize the discomfort you are feeling around this. But it puts it very neatly into context.

There is the fact that we have these experiences and there is the fact that we are perceived as a threat because of them.

One of the motivating factors for getting back into therapy for me was an exchange between my wife and I about our "most embarrassing moments." She is very aware of my history and also very supportive. So I thought about it, decided to be completely honest and open...and shared an experience that involved my best friend when we were thirteen.

We were carrying a canoe over our heads out of the lake back up onto the beach in Boy Scouts...and it happened, I was in the back...both of my arms over my head not able to let go of the canoe or conceal the obvious fact that it was happening...in full view of everyone. We were testing for the Canoeing Merit Badge. Which involved wearing our uniforms, fully dressed, rowing out...capsizing the canoe and then using our uniforms for flotation devices. Forty five minutes floating without treading water by using our shirts, the same by using our pants. As we carried the canoe out of the water all we had on was our underwear...which does very little to conceal or constrict what was happening in terms of erections. I was devastated...and as I shared it with my with, she very simply smiled and said, "How cute."

No, I said...you are not getting it. She laughed, said, "Yea, I am. It is cute." Which challenged me to completely reconsider how I had always perceived that moment. Because when you are thirteen just waking up in the morning gives ya an errection. They are unpredictable except in the fact that it seems like it is going to happen at the most inconvenient times. And no one told me...no one told me that it was normal.

Therapy is about challenging old perceptions and beliefs. Challenging ourselves to revisit and reconsider what we thought was true...stepping out of the isolation we inflict upon ourselves because we are taught or told and convinced that there is something wrong with what we feel. What we need or want might be minimized, ignored and or dismissed all together.

But this is not about who you are, BJK...it is about what was done to you.


:-)


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#170488 - 08/02/07 10:03 AM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* *DELETED* [Re: ttoon]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK



Edited by BJK (08/02/07 10:15 AM)
_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#170497 - 08/02/07 10:29 AM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Hey guys, I'm glad someone brought this up too. I have wondered many, many times why it seems that no one on this board seems to mention events of inappropriate arousal. I figured that it must be common in our situation, but this is the first time I have actually heard anyone admit it.

It happens to me too, usually if I'm reading someone's recollection of the physical events. It does make me feel ashamed, but I just ignore it because I don't know what else to do.

If it makes you feel any better, it happens less and less as I become educated and read more people's abusive stories.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#170520 - 08/02/07 12:14 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* [Re: cbfull]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#170596 - 08/02/07 08:13 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Hey, guys...


We need to have a serious conversation about this, guys.

This happens to be a topic that I am very passionate about because of the misconceptions and fear around it all.

I am not a professional, first and foremost. The things I write are opinions only, based on my personal experiences.

I have talked to so many guys who feel exactly as you describe...and it keeps them from seeking help...from disclosing.

It is difficult enough and the issues around being a survivor are many...but this one REALLY pisses me off.

Let's do away with the words, "inappropriate arousal" and just call it what it is, arousal. Let's do away with judgment for a moment and look at what you are saying. You are saying you are being triggered...not that you think they are hot.

It does take a lot of courage to bring it up...but like with most things in recovery...the greatest risks can and often do bring the greatest rewards. Because this is EXACTLY what therapy is about.

If you want to talk...PM me.


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

Top
#170614 - 08/02/07 08:57 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: ttoon]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
What BJK has described might be found in a chapter of a book that was written nearly 20 years ago. It looks at the abuse of a child's sexuality (in addition to the sexual abuse that readers here are familiar with.) It is about the home environment that s/he grows up in.

In my book (now in the editing stage) there is a section talking about this. Here is part of the chapter:


There is a useful chapter in a book by Bolton, Morris, and MacEachron (Males at Risk: the other side of sexual abuse, Sage, 1989) that talks about the “abuse of sexuality model”. Rather than just considering behaviors that are overt, such as fondling, oral sex, digital penetration, intercourse, etc., the authors look at the sexual environment that the child experiences in the home.

They discuss a range of environments that go from positive and non-abusive, to an abuse of the child’s sexuality, to sexually abusive. This model is useful because many survivors have experienced, in addition to actual sexual abuse inflicted on them, mixed or confusing messages about sexuality in the home they grew up. (This model is also useful for non-survivors to look at the environment they grew up in to better understand their attitudes and belief systems about sexuality.)

The ideal environment is one in which the child receives accurate and age-appropriate information. For example, if a four-year old child asks where babies come from, he is not told that they are delivered by the stork or found under a cabbage leaf. Stating that the baby grows in the mother’s stomach may be what the child needs to hear at that time. Discussing how the baby gets there in the first place will be given later with age-appropriate information that is understandable for the child’s developmental stage.

That is, he is not going to be able to grasp a technical de>

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#170620 - 08/02/07 09:17 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* [Re: ttoon]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#170621 - 08/02/07 09:21 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* [Re: BJK]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#170625 - 08/02/07 09:38 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Hey,


I don't really think that post has anything to do with what we are talking about...but if you are satisfied with it...okay.

You are not talking about offending...you are talking about being triggered. To suggest otherwise is a diservice to you. What you are asking about is a valid concern.

The offer stands...s'up to you.

:-)


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#170730 - 08/03/07 12:56 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* [Re: ttoon]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#171084 - 08/05/07 11:37 AM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Without knowing too many specifics, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a way of addressing this sort of thing that promises as close to a success guarantee as you can get.

If you are completely submerged in the fear that it evokes, it is in control. The only way I see to prevent that or to reduce it to insignificance is to confront it, in a way that feels safe and appropriate to the individual. My experience has taught me an uncountable number of times that fear only has as much power as we give it. Knowing that, is powerful.

I am very weary of things that cause me mysterious anxiety and fear. I personally don't want to spend another moment trying to demystify the intensity of fear that does not immediately reveal it's roots. Allowing fear to be too important is very, very easy to do, not to mention it's had a lot of time to accumulate some very clever tricks over the years. It is big, ugly, noisy and readily convinces us that it can do terrible things to us and to our lives. It is natural to believe they are true, and why not because it has access to our very thoughts themselves. Sometimes it can even wait behind every single thought as it crosses our minds and twist it into another unpleasant promise faster than we thought possible. It is very cruel and it needs to know that it is not allowed to make the decisions anymore. It is mishandling and abusing the responsibility and it's time to stop listening to all of it's ridiculous racket.

The only way to find out if it is capable of producing the kind of horribleness that it is so busy boasting, is to confront it and wait for the proof. This is no easy thing to do, but the result is something that can be understood and even anticipated. It's all a big ridiculous bluff. It never follows through with it's terrible promises and it never even had the capability of doing such things.

But the good news is that we have access to a generous inventory of tools that can be used at our discression, and everything we need is included, not to mention there are no wrong answers. We can approach it anytime we choose, it does need to be done with any specific sense of urgency, there are no limits on how many times we can decide to back up and start over, and we can never officially fail. Any and all methods of discovering its nature are valid, and there most certainly is no time limit to be concerned with. We are all given these tools without exception, and we are even granted the liberty of allowing our own personal creativity to participate if it seems appropriate.

Just a stream of consciousness I thought was worth trying to put into words. I hope you guys can appreciate how much this all has meant to me. I am still exploring my own, and it doesn't need to matter how many there end up being, I can deal with them one by one, for as long as it takes. It seems ironic that it was so noisy before, and now I learn that it is hiding from me! I am patient though so I will get to all of it eventually. I am pleasantly surprised that the only places for it to hide belong to me! But don't be fooled if I haven't found you yet, it's not because you are too clever, it is simply because it is not yet the perfect time to complete your demise.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#171096 - 08/05/07 12:49 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) *DELETED* [Re: cbfull]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Post deleted by BJK

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#171149 - 08/05/07 05:14 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: BJK]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I'm glad it seems to have spoken to you.

I admit, I don't always get these rules right on target and I tend to not even realize when I am letting fear be in control, but those things will also come with patience. I am just tired of eagerly and desperately needing to get rid of all my fears at once by just being angry and hasty. I'm tired of it never working at all.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#173129 - 08/13/07 10:27 PM Re: hyper-sensitive sadness (triggers) [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
shining_light Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 22
Ken,

I just want to say thank you for posting that chapter.


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