I was thinking yesterday and realized why it is so difficult to pursue my wife sexually. I relate "sexual pursuit" with fear and pain. I was pursued and it was terrifying and caused me to shut down. So, the idea of pursuing her scares the shit out of me. I'll do it when my courage is up, but only then.

Several things trigger an erection for me that should not do so: fear will do it sometimes and physical closeness (like a safe hug) with a man. I was hugging a friend recently who was really suffering in a hospital and I was there to encourage him and then I got hard when we embraced... I was embarrassed, he never knew it because I knew how to stand and all, but still. There is no desire in me to be sexual with this guy.... it just simply sucks you know. If I touch a man, my brain screams 'get hard' because male touch means sex.

My biggest "fantasy" is to be able to be around another man without any clothes on and not be hard or not at least have to fight it. To just be "normal" whatever that is.

I did have one good experience in this area. Last year my wife and I went to a really nice hotel in Budapest, Hungary for a conference from my job. A 5 star deal. There was a huge spa there as is popular in europe. In the men's area, I walk in and almost all the guys are naked and I immediately paniced as it surprised me.

I decided to walk through it, to deal with it instead of running. I went to a small private shower and took a long shower and thought about it. I finally was able to come out of it and go into the sauna. Filled with men without bathing suits. I took some time and really gathered myself, prayed and took my suit off. Guess what happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No one even blinked. No one cared. I thought alarms would go off. No one noticed me at all.

I stayed a while and watched to see how to act (a common problem we all have I guess) and noticed guys would leave and jump into a cold pool and then return. So I did it. I was very aware of my need to "manage' my erection because it was instantaneous. But I did it somehow.

I stayed for awhile there and was overwelmed with the fact that i was not standing out to everyone, no one there could read the invisible sign on my head saying "I am powerless" and I survived and even enjoyed momnents of it due to the success it represented.

Now, while there I did some serious thinking and all. I realized a few things that helped me.

1. I was, by most probable accounts, surrounded by men who most of them had not had the experiences I'd had. They were doing something that was a common to them as brushing my teeth is to me. I will never have this experiece that commonly. I can have it, but it will always require work on my part.

2. As I looked at their bodies there that day, I saw so many different kinds, shapes, sizes and styles of everything (not just penises). Because no one pointed at me and laughed and called me names or ridiculed my penis, I felt a little normal that day. I think my abuse reinforced to me that my penis was a dangerous and destructive thing that only betrayed me and caused me heartache. Somehow my teenage years perp taught me that my penis was valuable to him but no one else would enjoy it and they'd reject it. His way, I see now, of instilling loyalty to him.

3. I left that spa feeling like a million dollars. I'd done the unimaginable and survived and was able to enjoy it for what it was, not without some hard work, but I did it.

4. My wife and i made love one afternoon while there, she took a nap and I went to the spa again. It was a lot easier the second time, especially after having bonded with her and relieved that sexual drive.

A different thought, but I remember the night my life began to spiral out of control. I'll share that at another time. Too much.

Once again, thanks for allowing me to get this all out.

OK... the first time that Jay pursued me was a night at his family's summer house. Some friends were there (me included) swimming and drinking. We were always drinking. On a side note, i'd probably never gotten into his web if I'd stayed sober, but I couldn't stay sober due to the pain of the abuse at age 3... a tangled web we weave. Anyway...

He arranged for us to sleep together in the same small bed with the others in different rooms. Everyone basically passed out and we went to bed. He'd been very sexual all night, took most of his clothes off, danced a lot with everyone and was touching me a lot. I never saw it coming.

After a few minutes in bed, he reaches over and slides his hand down into my underwear and starts fondling me slowly. I FREEZE. I know that feeling is burned into my head as I did a thousand times over in the future. I am still, frozen, very unresponsive. I wanted it somehow because I'd thought that night, "wonder if he'd touch me?" and I was terrified.

He whispered "I won't tell anybody." I was thinking he's doing me a favor, keeping my secret, a secret he created! Let the manipulation begin.

That was all there was, a little fondling, not reciprocated, no orgasm and he fell asleep holding my erect and scared penis. I did not sleep that night. Instead, I laid there letting him hold me like an idiot. I know I wasn't really one, but WOW!

Next morning, we all go home and that afternoon he wants me to ride back out the house to "get something he forgot." I go, of course. I desperately wanted to be wanted. He acts like NOTHING happened and I'm so ripped apart I could vomit. We arrive, alone, go inside and he looks around and then approaches me. More fondling, telling me how much he wants me. I'm FROZEN again and he takes me for the first time. No orgasm. After a while, he just stops and is ready to go. Leaves me standing there with an erect penis sticking out my pants and I'm so humiliated.

I was so sure he's really care about me. I didn't even care id he humiliated me as long as he wanted me also. This was the beginning of many more events that don't all need to be repeated. I've NEVER really told all of this. I am SO THANKFUL to have this place. It is all really coming out now.

About the counselor, I'm in Europe so I don't have that option. I have a lot of prior help and you guys, my faith and a profound and visible history of recovering. This is my next step.

Thanks again and keep encouraging me.

PS.... a MILLION times over I've wished I'd gotten up out of that bed that night and said, "No, you are not getting to be in control of me." I know I couldn't because my great stole that at age 3.

Hi East

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I want you to know that none of it was your fault. I can relate to some of the things you are saying.

take care,
Duncan

easterneurope,

You didn't say how old you were when this happened, but regardless of the age there are some things that still apply.

That "deer in the headlights" feeling is so common and I remember it myself - like feeling stunned and zoned out, difficult even to think about what's happening. And you also speak of being wanted: we all want that, bro, and that creates a situation that a predator can manipulate very easily.

I'm glad you can talk about all this now. That's important for so many reasons, and one of them is that it empowers us and let's us see that we can regain control of our lives. I hope you will keep posting and profit from being a part of the community here.

Much love,
Larry

This has been my place to get this story told. Thanks for letting it happen. One more part. I need to tell about the last time.

Jay and I started when I was around 18. High school was good, easy and fun for me. I was loved by all (teachers included) and I relished in the attention. Then I went to college. My father had died about 4 years before, my mother was a depressed, bumbling, self-absorbed person ...I was on my own.

College was hard. How do I plan my life when I can't plan my day. Too much open space. Too many choices. I drank more, not due to more freedom, just due to the stress. Drinking always led me to trouble. These times left me very vulnerable.

OK.... as I've told before, I plunged off the cliff and stayed there almost 10 years. Got through college, had a good job, even went to grad. school. It all looked very good from the outside. Inside, I was dying a slow death. Helped along by my own self-destruction, Jay sucked the life out of me.

Fastforward .....I ended it all. I knew it had to stop. I also knew I needed help. I dabbled in therapy but it wasn't so helpful (it was better later on). My therapist back then told me to "quit being so uptight about Jay and move in with him. Share his bed every night and just be his boyfriend." I wanted to escape and his best advice was that.

I heard and received God's call of love and forgiveness in my late 20's. It began a radical reformation that allowed me to break away, at least physically, from Jay.

It had been about 2 years since we'd touched each other at all. I took control, for the first time. I went to a party where he was there. Lots of old friends. I knew all night that i was going to drive him home and take matters into my own hands this time. When we left, he was drunk and very amourous. I was driving the car, STONE SOBER and in the driver's seat in so many ways. We got to his place and parked. He and I talked a while and then he went for it. I knew he would so I waited on it. He slid his hand onto my crotch and started the familiar rubbing. Saying he missed me, needed me, loved me....

I chose (what a tremendous feeling) to let him fondle me. I He took me out of my pants and I soon orgasmed. I simply enjoyed it. He waited and waited for me to do something and I said "I'm not touching you. It's over. This will never happen again." He tried to get me to go along and he grabbed my hand and tried to force me to fondle him and I pulled away. I knew him well ...he was manipulative, but no violent. So I told him "I planned this, i needed for you to masterbate me. I needed to know for sure I could chose this and that you werenot in control of my penis any more." He really didn't know what to say.

Maybe it was manipulation but it got him no where, he cried (that drunk cry like you're vulnerable)and he NEVER cried. He talked about his life and how miserable it was and how I'd moved on and he didn't know how. He never did move on and that was 12 years ago.

I knew that I had to have one more sexual encounter with him. I'm thankful for it. it proved that i could walk away. I'll always be thankful for it.