Out doing some shopping in the city today. We have really large discount / grocery stores here with malls wrapped around them. I go in a little newstand looking for a new English-version Newsweek. Pornography is everywhere, but almost exclusively naked women. Then, BOOM, there is a magazine there in front of me with 6 naked men on it showing all except their penises. I'm frozen. Panic. Fear. Lust. Confusion. A million thoughts. How can I open it and look and how come my feet won't run like HELL out of this store!! I flipped it open and saw a glimpse of a man and closed it and walked out. YEAH! Victory. I spent about 30 minutes walking around, pulling it together. But, I DID pull it together.
I didn't dive into the magazine and absorb it (like I wanted to do). I didn't duck into the bathroom to jack off (like i really wanted to). I didn't fall head first into some fantasy (like I wanted to). I remembered the reality of what is true. I asked God to sort my emotions (and He did) and to settle them (and He did). He reminded me that what happened in that store was not my moral failure. I wasn't looking for it. He told me "it's like a man from out of no where screamed at you, called you names and slapped you" and you're simply reeling and then, responding, from the surprize of it all. A man, ,many years ago, made that particular scream one I'd always recognize. It will always get my attention but it doesn't have to control me once it does have my attention.
I finished what I came to the mall to do. I still got on the subway and I still came home. Later, my daughter and I are watching a movie on TV like she wanted and I am a winner today. One day at a time.