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#169774 - 07/30/07 08:58 AM Monday
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Hate to sound so negative first thing on a Monday morning but... I give up, I'm tired of caring, feels like I'm just running around in a circle and the bullshit just doesn't end. So what if I just live my life the way I do... I don't see what the big deal is. I've managed to make it this long doing what I do so why bother to change now? I'm tired and I'm done with AA and I'm done with NA and I'm done with therapy and I'm just done trying to figure it out. Shit happens and it is what it is.


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#169775 - 07/30/07 09:04 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Jay...

You are on the down-swing of the rollercoaster....it sucks. I know its exhausting...I know you are tired but if you dont keep up the recovery process what kind of life will you continue to live? Continue being miserable...confused...angry...doing very dangerous things? What kind of life is that?

Dont you want to be happy? You deserve to be happy!! We are here to support you....we are here to listen...we are here to kick you in the rear (motivate you) when you get down about recovery!!

You are doing so good...you got away from your family...you are in a better place but that has to be exhausting and scarey....

(((((Jaysen)))))

Love ya man,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169776 - 07/30/07 09:06 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Jaysen,

wow ... have you taken the words right out of my journal this morning! "So what if I just live the life the way I do" ... I can understand that - after all, it's my life, right? But I want to say something about the rest of your post.

"I've managed to make it this long doing what I do so why bother to change now?" Yeah - I've made it pretty far too ... but it sure doesn't serve me. I mean, ok - I'm alive and all and I make it through each day, but I deserve better. AND SO DO YOU.

I fully hear that you're tired. Man, so am I. But tired isn't a reason to quit. To stop for a while, yeah. Rest - recoup. Just get away from the BS for a bit. Can't get away from our lives, but we CAN get away from the struggle.

Anyhoo, Jaysen, that's my recommendation to you. Step back and take a breather. Then read your own MS signature. You picked it cuz it's true...

If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see you through this tedious path you've chosen here, you certainly would have walked away by now ...

There is a reward. It's called life. YOUR life. Take a break, take a breather, pull back from the battle - but don't let them win the war. You are worth so much more.

M


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#169780 - 07/30/07 09:29 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Originally Posted By: pain4ever
what kind of life will you continue to live? Continue being miserable...confused...angry...doing very dangerous things? What kind of life is that?
Dont you want to be happy? You deserve to be happy!! Brian


What makes you think I'm not happy living the way that I do? What makes you think I don't like my life the way it is? Everyone is miserable, confused and angry at some point... don't have to be a survivor to feel those things, just human and very dangerous things? Well Brian.. that's your opinion.


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#169782 - 07/30/07 09:36 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Point taken....but why do you think that everyone is miserable in life??? I know you said at some point but I think we take it to the extremes sometimes.

And yes that is my opinion and we are allowed to voice it here...I am sorry if that disagrees with you. Sometimes we have to hear things we dont like.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169783 - 07/30/07 09:41 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Because shit doesn't always go your way. Yeah, you're right, we take it to the extreme sometimes and personally speaking I take everything to the extreme. But what does that have to do with anything? It's just what I do.


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#169784 - 07/30/07 09:45 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Right and shit wont always go your way...its how you handle it when shit blows up in your face that matters. Not going to the extremes is a way to minimize its effects.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169785 - 07/30/07 09:50 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Originally Posted By: pain4ever
And yes that is my opinion and we are allowed to voice it here...I am sorry if that disagrees with you. Sometimes we have to hear things we dont like.


Of course you're entitled to your opinion, why be sorry, who gives a shit if your opinion is different than mine? It doesn't really matter.


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#169787 - 07/30/07 09:58 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Jaysen
personally speaking I take everything to the extreme. But what does that have to do with anything? It's just what I do.

well, maybe i have no place to say this, but any chance your mood this morning is due (at least in part) to the fact you take everything to an extreme? meaning, is it really this bad, or does it feel this bad because you live at the extremes?

i ask because i am also a black-or-white, hot-or-cold kinda person - one extreme to another. it's part of the bi-polar blessing...

M


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#169790 - 07/30/07 10:04 AM Re: Monday [Re: MarkK]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Originally Posted By: MarkK
Originally Posted By: Jaysen
personally speaking I take everything to the extreme. But what does that have to do with anything? It's just what I do.

well, maybe i have no place to say this, but any chance your mood this morning is due (at least in part) to the fact you take everything to an extreme? meaning, is it really this bad, or does it feel this bad because you live at the extremes?

M


My point exactly.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169793 - 07/30/07 10:20 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Right. By the way how much do you guys charge an hour? Not sure if my insurance is gonna cover this...


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#169794 - 07/30/07 10:21 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Its all free man...thats what friends are for!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169795 - 07/30/07 10:25 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
You are really pissing me off


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#169796 - 07/30/07 10:27 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Ditto!!!!!!!!!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169797 - 07/30/07 10:32 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Good, we finally agree on something


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#169798 - 07/30/07 10:33 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Cant you accept that we want to help you and we want nothing back...we just care about you and you deserve that!!!

We just want to be...Well...NICE...deal with it.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169799 - 07/30/07 10:35 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
No, actually I can't just accept that. What did I do to deserve anyones help anyway?


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#169800 - 07/30/07 10:36 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
\:\( it is not my intention to make anyone upset. believe it or not, i was trying to actually do the opposite - i thought you might be upset enough.

maybe it would be best if i just pulled back and let you two go at it before i screw things up worse.

i'm sorry, Jaysen.

M

PS - it's not that you do or don't "deserve" anyone's help. or is that why you've been helping others? because you feel they deserve it? well, let me leave you with this - you "deserve" help as much as anyone else here, and I'm sorry if I aggrivated you any.


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#169801 - 07/30/07 10:38 AM Re: Monday [Re: MarkK]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Mark...your good....this is par for the course for me and Jay....we are confrontational people...you didnt do anything wrong!!!

I am trying to get through to him and its sometimes difficult cause he is friggin pushing!!

Hmmm...Imagine that!!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169803 - 07/30/07 10:39 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Originally Posted By: Jaysen
No, actually I can't just accept that. What did I do to deserve anyones help anyway?


Jay to be honest you have helped me...why is that??? Because you are a good person and I see that in you which is why i work so hard to get it through your thick skull!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169804 - 07/30/07 10:42 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
You are one unrelenting bastard you know that Brian?


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#169805 - 07/30/07 10:42 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Thank you very much...I take that as a compliment!!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169807 - 07/30/07 10:48 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
you're welcome


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#169809 - 07/30/07 10:52 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Love ya man!!

Thats why i am relentless....

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169812 - 07/30/07 11:01 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Well, I'm glad to see the thread is coming to some point of agreement...where have I seen this before? ;\) Too bad Trev isn't here to really jag you properly, but I will see what I can do in his absence.

I won't go into a lot of detail here, except to say that the very fact that you are here suggests you can already see what a dim reflection of real life we lead when we are just trying to cope and "get over it".

So much for the lie about not going into detail...

I would just ask you to look at how you feel right now and what you are proposing for yourself. Basically, what you're contemplating is a life in which you don't allow yourself to feel anything: no sense of fulfillment (because with that comes an awareness of loss), nothing of joy (because with that comes pain), and nothing of genuine happiness (because to feel happiness we must also be able to feel misery and sadness too), and nothing of strength (which comes with awareness of areas where we are weak and vulnerable).

This is why what you are suggesting isn't living real life at all. Real living is when we face whatever there is out there to confront; we accept life's joys and exult in them, but we also accept the bad stuff and figure out how to confront it and resolve it.

It's true that non-survivors suffer as well, but when they do they face it and work through it. When really bad things happen, that is when we most need to face things; that's the worst possible situation to turn away from and deny. Why? Because even if we deny what has happened and refuse to deal with it, it will still continue to harm us and hijack other things we want to do.

I think I gave you this example in a PM one time, but here it is again. Suppose I shatter my leg in a bad bike accident and the doctor tells me I need to go through physio; I check it out, but the physio hurts like hell and on top of that the physio nurse isn't the fox from the hospital but a sumo wrestler type with BO and an urge to reshape me into a preztel. So I say "Fuck this" and abandon physio; I figure it doesn't matter, I can manage. Can I really? If I am willing to deceive myself, does that change the fact that I am in pain and can't walk properly or do any of the things I used to like? What have I really gained from this strategy?

Like others have said above, Jay, dealing with this crap is rough and no one can promise you an easy ride. But from further down the road I can look back to you and hope you will stick it out. It does get a whole lot better, and seeing what I see now I can say it has been worth it. I wouldn't go back to the way things were for anything.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#169813 - 07/30/07 11:04 AM Re: Monday [Re: roadrunner]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Larry to the rescue huh?


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#169814 - 07/30/07 11:05 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
He has an eloquent way of describing things...its amazing...much better than my blunt approach!!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169815 - 07/30/07 11:07 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Just leave me alone... seriously... I know I posted first but just to speak my mind, not looking for help or answers


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#169816 - 07/30/07 11:08 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I am glad you posted...just to get it out...

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#169878 - 07/30/07 02:56 PM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Originally Posted By: Jaysen
Larry to the rescue huh?


As a matter of fact, bro, if I thought I could I would do it in a second. But experience has taught me I can't do that. No one of us can rescue another. All we can do is offer understanding and support, and maybe an idea here and there. I do understand what you are feeling, but only because I have been there and under somewhat similar circumstances.

As I keep telling you, whatever you feel, just let it out. Keep it real and it will be good for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#169881 - 07/30/07 03:28 PM Re: Monday [Re: roadrunner]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jay,

I am with Larry on this. I have tried to "rescue" my sister who was sexually abused by our uncle. I t almost tore me apart to the point where i felt like telling people. i did not.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#169886 - 07/30/07 03:58 PM Re: Monday [Re: duncanUK]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Thanks Duncan... and everyone, sorry for the fighting earlier.

J


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#169912 - 07/30/07 07:37 PM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
So Jay, with all this "mine is bigger than your's is" crap, let me ask you this; what did you do to NOT deserve this? I mean, everybody here lends a helping hand whenever they can. So why not you? What is it about you that DOESN'T deserve our help, our compassion, our empathy and our support???

I like you, buddy, and i've hardly even met you.. but we have serious shit in common. If you can help me, man, I'd be gratefull to accept your help. If I could possibly, in some small way help you out... well ,I'd be glad to do it, no questions asked.

Geeze, I never saw such a headstrong bunch of guys in my life! LOL Just take the advice for what it's worth; exactly what you paid for it...

Otherwise, you'll pay in a different fashion...

Just butting in, sorry, don't mind me...

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#169990 - 07/31/07 07:55 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Originally Posted By: Jaysen
Thanks Duncan... and everyone, sorry for the fighting earlier.


No apology is necessary bro. We all know how rough this stuff can be, and when a guy is in a bad spot that's the time he needs understanding and support the most.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#170001 - 07/31/07 08:45 AM Re: Monday [Re: roadrunner]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
It's not that I don't think I deserve help, it's just that sometimes you get caught up in the past, in the memories, get stuck there and it's hard to get out. So yeah I guess I spent a good part of the day yesterday feeling like that 12 year old who was only good for one thing. I'm feeling a lot better today.
Thanks....
J


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#170026 - 07/31/07 10:47 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Getting away from the mind f&*k is the hardest part!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#170035 - 07/31/07 11:28 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Yeah it is, I can take physical pain any day of the week but the psychological shit... well... glad I don't work in a high rise, I'd be diving off the roof!


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#170036 - 07/31/07 11:30 AM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
My old saying...this may be a little triggering!!!

F^&k me...abuse me...hit me...I can take it all but please stay out of my head. (Dont demean me)

I used to say that to perps....how sad.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#170043 - 07/31/07 11:44 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Exactly!


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#170044 - 07/31/07 12:06 PM Re: Monday [Re: Jaysen]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I actually seemed to be "okay" if they were just quiet. I preferred it that way....I used to keep ear plugs under my pillow.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#170045 - 07/31/07 12:08 PM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i must be totally wierd - i'm on the complete other end of the spectrum. say what you want, just don't touch me.

but then, i've never fit in.

M


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#170046 - 07/31/07 12:10 PM Re: Monday [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11046
Loc: Denver, CO
"but then, i've never fit in."

Mark,

If you didn't before, you do now.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#170047 - 07/31/07 12:12 PM Re: Monday [Re: FormerTexan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Thank you, Andy.

M


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#170054 - 07/31/07 12:24 PM Re: Monday [Re: MarkK]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Mark,

Here...we are bunch of self proclaimed square pegs trying to fit into a round hole...but the truth is...here..all of the "holes" are square!!

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#170152 - 07/31/07 04:21 PM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
no. some of the holes are rectangulr shaped to but squares can fit into rectangls if u push hard enuff

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#170226 - 08/01/07 08:01 AM Re: Monday [Re: pain4ever]
jaybee Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Florida
Hey Jaysen,
sorry ya got the blahs... it happens. i have found that taking a break now and again gives me a chance to try and use my new skills, and get used to the internal changes. after a while, something pokes me in the side and says "guess what? time to take a few more steps"... and then, here i am... i have come to terms with it being part of the healing cycle now. do i wanna be here? oh yea, sure... it's like being at a cemetary for me. i seem to only be in these places when i am sad. sometimes in order for me to ever be happy, i have to leave the cemetary. so, now i weep. i weep for myself and my brothers. as one moves forward to rejoin life, another steps out to take time to weep, time to hurt, time to heal. but in time, you look back and see the progress. then you know it works. after a few times you learn to trust the process, because it works. Please have a good day buddy... your new friend... Jaybee

_________________________
3+7+11+13+19+25+39/9-4 yep, were all somewhere...

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