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#169641 - 07/29/07 01:49 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
thewife,

My partner of 11 years was raped by a female when he was a teen. He was single and in a very typical high school environment where anyone would assume that a boy who'd "gotten some" was lucky- he had no reason to claim that their encounter was anything that he didn't want or enjoy and in fact it just made things difficult for him as he was not believed.

In his case there was prior childhood abuse that probably contributed to the situation with the female perp.-- a general lack of boundaries that he had and an inability to recognize and remove himself from a situation that was escalating and potentially dangerous to him. It sounds like your husband is also talking about some of his beliefs and how the person he is has affected his reaction to the assault. Based on my observations this is very helpful for survivors. It is important to avoid self-blame and more shame though.

I hope things continue improving for the both of you.

SAR


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#169656 - 07/29/07 05:05 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: SAR]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Ugh!! This is SO hard! On the one hand, I want to help him, as I KNOW he is hurting over this. On the other hand, I cannot help thinking that in some small part of him he was excited and willingly participated in the act. He has said from the beginniing that he didn't, and that in the immediate days after he was in total disbelief about the entire thing. Never knew that what happened could be rape, but knew that he didn't want it, or thought he didn't. He just tried his best to put it out of his mind. Is that normal? I mean, he went back to business as usual, including working with (and talking to and continuing to flirt with) her every day. I'm just so confused! He is too, still keeps saying that although everyhting he's learnerd about his reactions and feelings lead him to think it was rape, he keeps coming back to the fact that he is twice her size and could have easily thrown her off. Did he check out too soon to do that, or did a small part of him want to be there? I feel TERRIBLE for even thinking it, but I'm human, and I can't help it.


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#169658 - 07/29/07 05:28 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
No matter what you feel because your human... May not make any sense. Your mind may not be able to comprehend it. But, as i see it - it boils down to one thing.

Do you love him enough to accept his word?


M


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#169676 - 07/29/07 07:18 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
One word, yes.


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#169679 - 07/29/07 08:02 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Then you know - he was raped.


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#169701 - 07/29/07 10:05 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey wife, I would like to assure you further but I can't really do this because obviously I don't know your husband. But I will assure you again that his situation, reactions and after affects are quite similar to mine. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I have no one to answer to except myself, so I hope that you understand that I'm here because of the problems it did cause in my life, a life sentence in my opinion.

It would be upsetting if your husband was lying to you but I would find this very hard to believe. I've spent my life feeling like no one understands and your husbands reactions hit much to close too home to me to be a fabrication. It would be in my opinion an impossibility for him to come up with these feelings unless he really was raped.

I could never be 100% sure but I would press you again to accept him at his word. It would be such a horrible shame if your husband did not recieve the support from you that he needs, something I have longed for my entire life. Please, I believe your husband was victimized by this women and he will need your support. Imagine a role reversal and it was you instead of him, the last thing your H needs right now is to have you questioning his commitment to you. Please try wife, I will say it again, I know! It does happen.

I wish you and your H the best. You and your husband are in my thoughts. Take care, it will be hard, but you and he are not alone. If you can step outside the box you'll know that your H was victimized. He needs you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#170061 - 07/31/07 12:43 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: mogigo]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
I admit, I am weak. I cannot deal with this, it's too much. I love him more than anything, and at this point, I believe that he believes what he's telling me, I'm just not sure it's true. He kept this secret for a long time, had a lot of time to twist it in his mind to shift the blame.

So, either I'm doubting that he was a victim and he was, which makes me a monster, or he has concocted this whole story to get himself off the hook, which makes him one. Either way, I think we are doomed. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, but I think that some things simply can't be overcome. Best of luck to everyone.


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#170107 - 07/31/07 02:25 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear thewife:

Whoa, hold on...take some deep breaths. Someone once said what is truly worth anything in life deserves fighting for.

I know this will probably sound trite but sometimes a bit of time does a world of good. Step back from this for a while and just take a breather.

It took a good year after I found how my H was looking to act out before I started to feel like my old self again. The way I see it, this sort of experience is the ultimate test of love and in the end it enables us to realize what each of us are made of. NO it is not easy, often times you just feel like punching a wall and that feeling sends grief all the way to the center of your being...

NO one said life was easy and these issues fall into that particular category. I urge you to reconsider giving up. I am not that familiar with the details of your story...did you and your husband speak with a therapist regarding this? If not, I strongly recommend it.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#170108 - 07/31/07 02:27 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
oh god wife, I don't know what to say, I am so sorry. There are no monsters in you or him, only loss. Some things are beyond what we can endure, that does not make you a monster, only human.

The pain of being, is real and true and honest. At this point it doesn't matter wife. If it is unbarable then that's what it is. I wish it could be different, I truely do, but there are two people involved. You are just as much a part of this as he, you are a victim as well. Do what you need to survive, to move on. His road will be harder because of your decision but that doesn't make you a monster. We can't all make that choice as many here will tell you.

You are no monster wife, I understand and so will many.

I wish you love and peace and closure. Stay strong

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#170109 - 07/31/07 02:28 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: thewife
So, either I'm doubting that he was a victim and he was, which makes me a monster, or he has concocted this whole story to get himself off the hook, which makes him one. Either way, I think we are doomed. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, but I think that some things simply can't be overcome. Best of luck to everyone.

I believe there is another possibility. You've mentioned two - both extremes. If you doubt he was a victim - that does NOT make you a monster - that makes you a wife in shock. Kinda like where you'd expect someone to be with what's just been happening...

M


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