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#169581 - 07/28/07 10:18 PM Feeling like about to go nuts or something
Xavier91 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/11/07
Posts: 84
I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, maybe just need to vent or something..
But I guess it's all becoming a bit to much. When does it become to much? What is to much.. Anyway.
I just feel like, as the title, I'm about to go nuts or fall apart or something.

There's the nightmares every single night.
Flashbacks and panicattacks during the day.

My little brother which i still feel i should be able to protect, gets hit into the hospital by our biological father early this year (not my perp).. whit braindamage! For a few days we weren't sure if he would even make it. He will recover fully though, or so the doctors said... And he's doing better then like a month ago even... little steps forward... But I just saw this 11 year old full of energy, enthousiasm and always doing something or running or whatever... turn into a kid that has troubles tying his own shoes! I hurt when I see him struggling with stuff...

Now my father is in jail... thats the only good thing out all of this.
It gets me a few extra rough days whenever the cops want to talk to us about it...

I miss my adoptive father every day... he died in a car crash about 2,5 years ago.

I see my mothers pain... after all it was her husband who died and it hurts her too, to see any of us hurt and struggling.

I love my (adoptive) mom very much... but cant tell her about the csa. or not yet anyway.

Now this has become a me whining tread... but i'm posting it anyway or I will burst or something.
For a couple of years we had a perfect life.... To be exact in between me recovering from my bio. mother nearly stabbing me to death and my (adoptive) father dying... After he died everything came back again... I want that perfect life back again d*mnit! But i doubt i will ever have it again.
*deep breath* sorry for whining.

Xavier

_________________________
Rather laugh about what has been
Then fear what still comes, perhaps
Rather loving a big ghost
Then hating something that you canít see

You are gone, but closer then ever

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#169582 - 07/28/07 10:28 PM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Xavier91]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Hi Xavier,

It's so hard to know what to say. I'm sorry for the hard time you're family is having.

What I can say in looking at my own life is that I have been through some pretty bad times. They have turned around and things have gotten much better...not perfect but very happy times.

I would also say that if you get back as much love as you seem to have to give, you'll have some happy times.

Take Care,
Keith


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#169594 - 07/29/07 01:58 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: KeithR]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Could you clarify your situation for me please? I don't understand. What is different now than when you had your "perfect life" going? Who are you living with now that you weren't living with before? Was your step-father a good guy and your real father an abuser? Just kind of confused sorry.

Either way, I think it's good for you to put it into words because it can help you to see it from another angle, an angle of knowing that you're not alone anymore I guess.


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#169600 - 07/29/07 04:59 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Hauser]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Xavier.................you are never a whiner...........people need to get things out..............thats good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hang in there ..............steve


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#169602 - 07/29/07 05:15 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: sabata]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Xavier

You, your brother and you mom are in my thoughts.Take strength from our collective family. we are here if you need to talk more.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#169626 - 07/29/07 10:58 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: duncanUK]
Xavier91 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/11/07
Posts: 84
Hauser,
until I was 8 me and my brothers lived with my biological mother. She almost stabbed me to death when I was 8. She was also the one who sold me for drugs and money etc to random guys.
After that my brothers and me came to live with who we consider our parents now, they also adopted us.
So for a couple of years things were great. We were just boys and had a childhood like it's supposed to be.
Then my (adoptive) father dies... And wham, suddenly I get all these memories back... From the stabbing and all the other physical violence we were used to before we were adopted... Until then I had done a good job of stashing all that away in a corner of my mind, I never really thought about it.
And then eventually also the memories of the s.abuse... Wich I had managed to completely forget about, probably because when it ended I still didn't really understood what it was.

My biological father is not my abuser. He used to hit us though, but left when I was about 5, to come back to stalk us when I was 14, on and of, resulting in giving my youngest brother braindamage earlier this year.

I have 2 brothers, one soon to be 12 and one is 14. I am 16 myself.

I hope this clears it up.

Xavier

_________________________
Rather laugh about what has been
Then fear what still comes, perhaps
Rather loving a big ghost
Then hating something that you canít see

You are gone, but closer then ever

Top
#169705 - 07/29/07 10:46 PM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Xavier91]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Xavier, it's perfectly ok to feel lost or like it's to much to handle - after all so much happened and is still happening!
If you can not talk about it in real life, come here and talk about it in chat, or post on the boards.... For so many it has been the first step towards talking about it in 'real life'!

Take care,

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#169711 - 07/30/07 12:07 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Stefan012]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you. There are a lot of shitty parents out there huh? I'm sorry your Dad was one of them.


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#169750 - 07/30/07 06:44 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Hauser]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Xavier,

You aren't whining, you are talking about serious stuff and you are allowing yourself to speak what you feel. That's courage, not whining.

I hope I don't sound like I am patronizing you or talking down to you when I say this, and I know that a 16-year-old isn't a little kid anymore and can do lots of things on his own. But coping with sexual abuse isn't one of them. I mean, hell, I started out working on my own issues when I was in my 50s, and one of the first things I realized was that I needed to talk to someone in real life - someone who would listen, look me in the eye, give me hugs, and tell me it's not my fault.

That's what I think you should aim for - talking to someone in real life. Your mother if you can, but if not, then how about a teacher you trust, a coach, a religious advisor, or an older friend?

I know what you will say: "I can't do that", and I understand that feeling. We all start out like that. But let's try talking about it, okay? Make it a goal to think about and aim for. Not with a firm schedule, just to see how things look. Talk to us here about that: what scares you about talking, what you would find difficult, and so on. And have you called any of the child abuse hotlines in the Netherlands? I know they have them, and those people will be a great way to get started.

Once you have safe people beside you who know what happened and can help you, believe me, it makes all the difference in the world! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#169802 - 07/30/07 10:39 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: roadrunner]
Xavier91 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/11/07
Posts: 84
I don't trust people. I just don't do that.
I trust my mother and my brothers but I dont wanna add to what they already have to deal with it.
Just talking on here like this is hard enough.
No way, I'm not going to call such a hotline. I realise everyone says you have to talk about it, in real life, but I don't do that.
My youngest brother is like me he doesn't talk about stuff either, although I know he still remembers the day our bio. mother stabbed me, while my middle brother needs to talk about everything untill your ears are bleeding.
I guess maybe I'm still like it's my job to take care of my brothers.. So this last half year has been extra hard on me... I feel like I failed when I couldn't protect my youngest brother from getting hit into the hospital... I know everyone says it's not my responsibility but I can't help it.
I used to talk about stuff a lot with my father... when he died I didn't have anyone to talk to anymore, not like that. I guess cause he was always there when I was getting better the year after I got stabbed.. I learned to trust and talk to him first, only then to my mother... I mean I love her and everything but it's not the same.
I guess I've always had to do everything alone and then the one person I could really talk to dies, I guess I'm sorta on my own again.

Xavier



Edited by Xavier91 (07/30/07 10:52 AM)
_________________________
Rather laugh about what has been
Then fear what still comes, perhaps
Rather loving a big ghost
Then hating something that you canít see

You are gone, but closer then ever

Top
#169825 - 07/30/07 11:26 AM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: Xavier91]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Xavier,

Originally Posted By: Xavier91
I don't trust people. I just don't do that....I guess I've always had to do everything alone and then the one person I could really talk to dies, I guess I'm sorta on my own again.


This is exactly what you need to do, bro - talk about how you feel. And the stuff I picked out of your post kind of sums it up, doesn't it? What you are saying reminds me of how I felt some time after the abuse ended (I was younger, 14).

I was just sick with confusion, fear, shame, guilt, whatever, and I felt like the world was collapsing around my ears. I didn't feel better because the abuse had stopped, I felt worse because now I could look back over the whole thing and what I saw really made me sick. I could never tell anyone about that.

But pretty soon I started thinking I would tell my grandfather; I loved him to bits and he was the coolest grandfather in the world - I knew he loved me too. I figured I would tell him, then he would go talk to my Dad and fix everything (the abuser lied to me a lot and told me my Dad would throw me out). What the "fixing" would be like I had no idea, but anything would be better than how I was feeling right then. The only time I felt okay in my own skin was when I was drunk, and even my bed felt dirty with me in it.

What I didn't know was that my grandfather had cancer. I got told later that fall and he died a few weeks before Christmas. I will never forget that feeling. I had lost my only hope. Now things would never get better.

But I was wrong, Xavier. What I was feeling was what a lot of abused teens feel - that good things can't happen to me, or if they do, they will just be taken away and then I will feel worse. That's one of the terrible false lessons we learn from abuse.

Yes, in a way you are on your own again, but it doesn't have to stay this way. And it won't stay this way. I'm not trying to convince you; only you can take decisions for yourself, and you have to believe in them before you can agree to do them. But I can tell you that in life almost all worthwhile things involve risk - maybe not risk as intensely felt as this kind of risk, but risk all the same.

The reality is that we can all do what we need to do to recover. That ability to act can come if we encourage it and allow it to come. If someone had told me three and a half years ago, when I first disclosed to someone, that in July 2007 I would have 10,000 posts on a child abuse website I would have laughed and thought no way I would ever be able to do that. I was too ashamed and mixed up and I would have felt I had nothing to say. Yet here I am. And I have achieved so many other things, and so have a lot of the other guys here.

You can do that too. Not today, okay. But sometime, and sooner than you think. Hanging around here has a way of teaching us the art of the impossible, as I like to call it. One day you will take the big step, and when you do, I will be hanging around to grin and remind you: "I told you so!" ;\)

Just keep talking. Whatever it is, however you feel - just say it. That's how we make things happen - by keeping it real. You've seen this before, but here it is again: Stand tall, be proud; always be you!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#170195 - 07/31/07 09:44 PM Re: Feeling like about to go nuts or something [Re: roadrunner]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Xavier,

I know it's hard to trust people.... Or to talk about what happened... To this day I don't really fully trust anyone, in real life. I guess that would need some time.
It's not so weird after what we all have been trough.
I'm glad you have your brothers and mom and I'm sure your mom will be glad you told her whenever you're ready. I'm sure she will support you all the way.
Just take some more time to talk about it a bit here first, i guess.
I understand the feeling of being alone, but like Larry says I like to think/hope that it doesnt have to be that way forever.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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