I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, maybe just need to vent or something..
But I guess it's all becoming a bit to much. When does it become to much? What is to much.. Anyway.
I just feel like, as the title, I'm about to go nuts or fall apart or something.

There's the nightmares every single night.
Flashbacks and panicattacks during the day.

My little brother which i still feel i should be able to protect, gets hit into the hospital by our biological father early this year (not my perp).. whit braindamage! For a few days we weren't sure if he would even make it. He will recover fully though, or so the doctors said... And he's doing better then like a month ago even... little steps forward... But I just saw this 11 year old full of energy, enthousiasm and always doing something or running or whatever... turn into a kid that has troubles tying his own shoes! I hurt when I see him struggling with stuff...

Now my father is in jail... thats the only good thing out all of this.
It gets me a few extra rough days whenever the cops want to talk to us about it...

I miss my adoptive father every day... he died in a car crash about 2,5 years ago.

I see my mothers pain... after all it was her husband who died and it hurts her too, to see any of us hurt and struggling.

I love my (adoptive) mom very much... but cant tell her about the csa. or not yet anyway.

Now this has become a me whining tread... but i'm posting it anyway or I will burst or something.
For a couple of years we had a perfect life.... To be exact in between me recovering from my bio. mother nearly stabbing me to death and my (adoptive) father dying... After he died everything came back again... I want that perfect life back again d*mnit! But i doubt i will ever have it again.
*deep breath* sorry for whining.

Xavier

Hi Xavier,

It's so hard to know what to say. I'm sorry for the hard time you're family is having.

What I can say in looking at my own life is that I have been through some pretty bad times. They have turned around and things have gotten much better...not perfect but very happy times.

I would also say that if you get back as much love as you seem to have to give, you'll have some happy times.

Take Care,
Keith

Could you clarify your situation for me please? I don't understand. What is different now than when you had your "perfect life" going? Who are you living with now that you weren't living with before? Was your step-father a good guy and your real father an abuser? Just kind of confused sorry.

Either way, I think it's good for you to put it into words because it can help you to see it from another angle, an angle of knowing that you're not alone anymore I guess.

Xavier.................you are never a whiner...........people need to get things out..............thats good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hang in there ..............steve

Xavier

You, your brother and you mom are in my thoughts.Take strength from our collective family. we are here if you need to talk more.

Duncan

Hauser,
until I was 8 me and my brothers lived with my biological mother. She almost stabbed me to death when I was 8. She was also the one who sold me for drugs and money etc to random guys.
After that my brothers and me came to live with who we consider our parents now, they also adopted us.
So for a couple of years things were great. We were just boys and had a childhood like it's supposed to be.
Then my (adoptive) father dies... And wham, suddenly I get all these memories back... From the stabbing and all the other physical violence we were used to before we were adopted... Until then I had done a good job of stashing all that away in a corner of my mind, I never really thought about it.
And then eventually also the memories of the s.abuse... Wich I had managed to completely forget about, probably because when it ended I still didn't really understood what it was.

My biological father is not my abuser. He used to hit us though, but left when I was about 5, to come back to stalk us when I was 14, on and of, resulting in giving my youngest brother braindamage earlier this year.

I have 2 brothers, one soon to be 12 and one is 14. I am 16 myself.

I hope this clears it up.

Xavier

Xavier, it's perfectly ok to feel lost or like it's to much to handle - after all so much happened and is still happening!
If you can not talk about it in real life, come here and talk about it in chat, or post on the boards.... For so many it has been the first step towards talking about it in 'real life'!

Take care,

Stefan

Thank you. There are a lot of shitty parents out there huh? I'm sorry your Dad was one of them.

Xavier,

You aren't whining, you are talking about serious stuff and you are allowing yourself to speak what you feel. That's courage, not whining.

I hope I don't sound like I am patronizing you or talking down to you when I say this, and I know that a 16-year-old isn't a little kid anymore and can do lots of things on his own. But coping with sexual abuse isn't one of them. I mean, hell, I started out working on my own issues when I was in my 50s, and one of the first things I realized was that I needed to talk to someone in real life - someone who would listen, look me in the eye, give me hugs, and tell me it's not my fault.

That's what I think you should aim for - talking to someone in real life. Your mother if you can, but if not, then how about a teacher you trust, a coach, a religious advisor, or an older friend?

I know what you will say: "I can't do that", and I understand that feeling. We all start out like that. But let's try talking about it, okay? Make it a goal to think about and aim for. Not with a firm schedule, just to see how things look. Talk to us here about that: what scares you about talking, what you would find difficult, and so on. And have you called any of the child abuse hotlines in the Netherlands? I know they have them, and those people will be a great way to get started.

Once you have safe people beside you who know what happened and can help you, believe me, it makes all the difference in the world!

Much love,
Larry

I don't trust people. I just don't do that.
I trust my mother and my brothers but I dont wanna add to what they already have to deal with it.
Just talking on here like this is hard enough.
No way, I'm not going to call such a hotline. I realise everyone says you have to talk about it, in real life, but I don't do that.
My youngest brother is like me he doesn't talk about stuff either, although I know he still remembers the day our bio. mother stabbed me, while my middle brother needs to talk about everything untill your ears are bleeding.
I guess maybe I'm still like it's my job to take care of my brothers.. So this last half year has been extra hard on me... I feel like I failed when I couldn't protect my youngest brother from getting hit into the hospital... I know everyone says it's not my responsibility but I can't help it.
I used to talk about stuff a lot with my father... when he died I didn't have anyone to talk to anymore, not like that. I guess cause he was always there when I was getting better the year after I got stabbed.. I learned to trust and talk to him first, only then to my mother... I mean I love her and everything but it's not the same.
I guess I've always had to do everything alone and then the one person I could really talk to dies, I guess I'm sorta on my own again.

Xavier